I think you are doing great in your convos. You know what, I feel that it is better to have an R convo where you validate and DB well than to not have an R talk. The bad thing about having an R talk is that you will hear things from your WAS that you dont want to hear. Now, if you have a meltdown due to that, then the R talks are bad. But if you can maintain composure and validate then actually R talks are very useful. I personally believe that the road to reconciliation is paved with R-talks, some are bad, but with time and DB knowledge they get better. And then the R gets better (one hopes). There is no other way to clear the air really.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Met w/ a good friend who 'came out' to me in terms of his homosexuality. We met to talk about our parallel efforts to improve/transform our lives after hard times. He learned of my S/D 3-4 mo ago, and he noted that he saw in me a commitment to change positively that he'd not seen in anyone but himself. I felt humbled by his compliment, and told him so. It was fascinating to hear about the need to push for growth in all areas, and that it was so easy to let one area slip if one overfocused on another.
Had a great time with S5. As I noted earlier, I negotiated w/ W to increase my overnights w/him from 2/month to 6! This is wonderful. S5 was anxious at first, asking me about how many nights he got to stay etc... then we got into our routine. We did a lot of nothing this weekend - to a museum to see dinosaurs, to a record store to listen to music, to a movie (saw "Chocolate Factory" - very cool!), church, and lots of superhero play at my place.
My older sister called and noted that she was proud to see how I have responded to the S/D, saying that I look healthy and seem mentally/spirtually strong. She doesn't know all the 'meltdowns' or backslides I've shared here on the BB, but I do feel measurably better than I did pre-bomb. Unlike in the past, I smiled, breathed deeply, and thanked her for the gift of her compliment.
At dropoff, S5 raced in and told W that he hadn't wet the bed. W looked rough, like she'd been holed up for most of the weekend. She didn't want to talk w/me taking things from my hand at the door, as if to close it on me, then caught herself, and invited me to get my mail. She likely was PMSing as it is about the right time. I shared w/ her how I got S5 up to use the restroom everytime I had to go, and that this seemed to do the trick. W rolled her eyes and said "yeah-yeah." She's using 'pull-ups w/him despite his 6yr BDay in one mo. S5 has shared w/me that he doesn't want to wear "diapers" and I agreed to hel him re-learn his nighttime toilet training. I also began to teach him how to tie his shoes when he's w/me. I figure, rather than say, "Well, I only have him for X number of days, can't be done", I'll press on with him, and do what I can, letting him experience patient, loving instruction.
Anyway, looks like there's a need to give her space and work at staying positive and upbeat myself.
Woo-hoo! This GAL work is paying off. Kind of morbid, but I just saved 30% off a large life insurance policy I took out to solidify my planning for S5's future. I still have W as the beneficiary, as I trust her with him. Anyway my insurance agent said "Apparently, you're the healthiest prof on campus. No one gets this, and you got it." Yes! A nice way to start a Monday.
Ha ha ha! My insurance agent just paid me a visit on Friday too--with a reimbursement check for being in stellar shape! Too funny... and he congratulated me for being in such good condition, especially for an old broad.
Like you, Mr. Wonderful is my beneficiary. Of course, our D decree indicates that we will keep it that way until either one of us remarries. I guess I just need to make sure that I'm not standing behind his truck on a hill or anything.
Be well!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hey Betsey! Too funny! I had similar thoughts about a suspicious demise...
Saw W at the gym this afternoon, as she rushed by w/ no hello. I had my back to her (she had to have seen me), but I didnt see her until she raced past. Could she be communicating the need for space? My insurance agent walked in as I was leaving and we joked about my policy rating. Bumped into another friend who asked me to play some BBall w/ him some time. Nice simple but positive interactions that helped to boost the PMA after W's brushoff.
I tried to communicate a need to cooperatively work on S5's bedwetting, and other things last night, but she merely got angry. She got defensive about my statement that diapers aren't a solution, and claimed that S5 is "lazy, unmotivated, and doesn't care. What's wrong with him?" (loudly, I'm sure he could hear). I find it hard to validate her upset when she's tearing him up verbally in my absence within 90 min of me returning him home. I'm also at a loss for how to cooperatively parent with her in this state.
Do I just do my own thing with him? And assume she'll do otherwise?
Also, could this be related to my telling her that I still loved her in the prior week and her time alone this weekend?
Quote: She got defensive about my statement that diapers aren't a solution, and claimed that S5 is "lazy, unmotivated, and doesn't care. What's wrong with him?" (loudly, I'm sure he could hear). I find it hard to validate her upset when she's tearing him up verbally in my absence within 90 min of me returning him home. I'm also at a loss for how to cooperatively parent with her in this state.
You can't be cooperative if she's hurting him that way. Those kinds of words will cut into him, coming from his Mom.
Just keep reassuring him of your love for him. Keep boosting him for who he is, and try to keep him from worrying about what he does or doesn't do. He needs to know that it's who he is that counts, and you're just the guy to do that for him.
Prayers,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
I reread my post and I painted her harshly (again). I think W is very loving to S5, and we just need to finesse how/when she can vent about parenting frustrations. W is tired and stressed, but I doubt she'd ever purposefully be mean or cruel to S5.
I've found that when I remind him about how much she loves him within earshot of her, she softens and seems to release a good part of her pent-up anger. I know its not my job to regulate her emotion, as she's an adult who does that pretty well already. However, as Jo, Wes, UD and others have pointed out, S5's the glue that holds us together in some sense of an R, and I need to respect her mothering as much as I can, even if its different from my version of parenting.
When I called S5 to say g'night, W answered and was pleasant, and asked "Where are you?" (usually she just calls my cell phone, as location doesn't matter then). She asked to call back as S5 was in the tub, and made the call herself later on (S5 knows how to call me himself). Her voice was more relaxed, even pleasant. S5 pointed out that W called me each time, and I asked him to thank her for doing that.
Hopefully, the rollercoaster is heading up...
This weeks goals:
1) Absolutely no defending of myself - listen & validate only!
When you have S5 just do whatever it is that YOU think is best for him at that time. W thinks that she is doing the same when he is with her and it is not going to help if you argue with her on this. It will just stress the 3 of you out.
H tends to try (I know he means well) to tell me things sometimes that he thinks D4 should or should not do and I just listen. I don't always agree but I do listen. Of course in my mind I am thinking "who are you to tell me...blah blah blah when you don't even live here." But I don't go there
Again, W is going to try anytime she can to push your buttons. It then gives her the feeling that what she is doing to the family is right when it gets you all fired up. Don't give her that.
I am beginning to ramble so I am off to bed. Hang in there Gabriel
Sounds like you're still moving in a good direction. These little bumps that you go through w/her (avoidance at gym, parenting issues) aren't damaging your PMA. Great job!
I like your goals you listed for the week, I need to work on #1 more also. Hmm. Seeing as I haven't posted my weekly goals, maybe I should plagairize yours!!!???
Betsey 
My insurance agent walked in as I was leaving and we joked about my policy rating. Bumped into another friend who asked me to play some BBall w/ him some time. Nice simple but positive interactions that helped to boost the PMA after W's brushoff. 