Very insightful advice. UD and Wes, I see your point about giving her space and time to do her self-work, and letting go to the point of not intruding on whatever that might consist of. In the past two months, I will have had S5 a total of 24 of 60 such 'free' days. This is a good amount of time, considering that I work about 70 hrs/wk to her 40.
Lost, as you point out, I think she is trying to keep my hands full. Consciously or not, she is attempting this. I could take joy in that, A$$uming that this means that she cares. But in the past few days, I have received a ricochet from my disclosure of care early this week, with her presenting herself as merely trying to be "better."
S5 told me that MIL/FIL and W told him that she was 'stronger' than me the prior weekend. He took it that they meant physically, but I gather that it was intended allude to character strength. Perhaps I need to further my GAL work for her to notice more?
At dropoff tonight, W furthered this view, but asking how dare I try to 'indoctrinate' S5 in Catholicism (I'm Catholic), accusing me of attacking her beliefs. I said quite frankly, "W, I don't even know what you believe. All I know is that you've attended at least 3 different faiths, and I know that I will be teaching S5 what it means to be Catholic. I will do that. Just as you are teaching him what you like."
She also got angry b/c S5 told FIL that he doesn't have to listen to him. She took it that I am insulting her family, but I said (as neutrally as I could), "I told S5 that he must listen to his mother and his father, and his teachers. If he has a disagreement with anyone else, I told him to take it back to you or me, since we are his parents." MIL abused W and my 2 BILs, and FIL knew and let it happen over 2 decades. So I trust them about as far as I can throw them, and am glad S5 is insisting that W make the final call if I'm not there. This is very delicate boundary-setting, but s/t that I believe has to be done.
Finally, she accused me of bad-mouthing her to S5 (not true), as he told her that she needed to say she was sorry. He is a smart kid, and learned in his parochial school that when someone hurts you by accident or no, but apologizes, you say 'I forgive you' and let it go. Simplistic yet a starting point. He sees W as not being able to forgive and let go, and (I take it from her) has brought it up to her. He may have meant for her to say that - "I forgive you" in order for her heart to soften and his family to have a chance at reuniting.
Boy, did this make her p/o'd! Again, she asked me to leave the house.
Yet, she called me just now 'by accident' and we talked briefly, with her saying "You can't do what you did (didn't ask her to explain, as this would have gotten a "You know what you did!") and expect someone to stay married." Then she agreed to my schedule changes. She made sure to point out that "This isn't about me. I could handle him every day. This is about him. Stop making it about me." (I mentioned that it would give her a chance to rest). Finally, and here's the ouch, she insinuated that I have been planting "false hope" in S5 about our family reuniting. Her voice softened as she said this (and I'm reaching here) she did not say, "We have no chance in h2!!" I have admitted S5 that I love his mother on 2 occasions, but I have insisted that he just know that he is loved, and that he leave this 'being apart stuff' to his parents.
Very busy couple of days. I'd like to run off this stress, but it's lightening out... maybe later.
She made sure to point out that "This isn't about me. I could handle him every day. This is about him. Stop making it about me." (I mentioned that it would give her a chance to rest). Finally, and here's the ouch, she insinuated that I have been planting "false hope" in S5 about our family reuniting. Her voice softened as she said this (and I'm reaching here) she did not say, "We have no chance in h2!!" I have admitted S5 that I love his mother on 2 occasions, but I have insisted that he just know that he is loved, and that he leave this 'being apart stuff' to his parents.
