I will never let the romance slip again in my R with W. I just hope I get the chance to prove it. I will be looking for ways to sneak it in with her as a friend, but always under the radar until I'm sure the coast is clear. Maybe after a first official date.
Two steps forward, one step back. Had a friend who is a notary public come over the house to have W sign a quit claim form regarding rights to the house (finally, 4 months after I paid her the share of equity due). It was tense, w/ W frowning her brow and seeming agitated. I stayed loose, and was able to check in with her, "Are you okay with everything, W? How is that with you?..." Afterward, I stayed and talked for a bit, and when I asked if she was alright, she was able to note that she was just tired.
I brough over a pack of double-stuff Oreo cookies (that's twice the yummy white filling I tried to describe before, Jo!), and W laughed and rolled her eyes, saying, "Oh no! We just finished off MIL's cake, and now we'll have to polish these off!" She still loves sweets.
Its really interesting. I used to be a big eater. Loved great food. Now, I almost don't have an appetite. I eat b/c I need to, with most stuff having lost it's 'pop' for me. Same thing with sleep.
Anyway, it was a good eve, with me able to spend time with S5, practicing "Hooked on Phonics" and playing a bit, reassuring and calming him about me being there (poor lil' guy gets so nervous, as if its a test). He certainly is our glue, with W able to laugh/take interest in his day at Zoo camp, and talking to me a bit about politics (loves to complain about conservatives, as if their demise would make her happy).
Romance is so very important. It is hard to keep up with it when one is not being fed in return. I think this becomes a big issue if one's spouse gets depressed. Yet it likely would really help things if the partner returned to it periodically to see how it improved things.
On the phone, W vented to me about $ issues, talking about med insurance probs causing her to pay for stuff out of pocket when she's "broke." I don't think she's broke, as it would be hard for her to have spent all the settlement I paid her in so short a time, but she's likely saving it as a down payment on her condo. Anyway I validated, prob inappropriately asked if she needed any $, and she said "no." She went on how she and S5 are eating lots of mac&cheese, to which I replied "I don't want my S5 and you living on that stuff. That's not okay. If things are that bad, we need to talk about it." She declined (I blew just validating, I know. One of these days I'll get it). Anyway when I called later, S5 was cheery, told me they went to the grocery store, and triumphantly told me that W bought him the Batman toy I had said no to a few days prior.
Had a run-in with W this morn. At pick-up, W brought up in the kitchen in a 'business-partner' air that she'd like to expand my time with S5 starting this weekend, alternating with me having him Fri-thru Sun afternoons one week, then overnight Fri the next (eves during the week as always), starting in two days. I told her that this was a change and asked why? She said b/c it would be best for S5. I got a bit jealous, and said "Why don't you just be honest w/me and tell me what is behind this?" (I'm assuming that she's focused on nightlife/dating). She responded, "My life is none of your business. I'm only thinking of S5." Then She escalated, said "You're not free on a Fri night? Why would you be busy?" and asked me to wait outside. When S5 came out, I put him in the car, then told her this week would be okay, but we'd need to negotiate his schedule. She responded, "Nope, you can't have him. That's not a good idea."
I sent her in email form and by letter a visitation revision that would be the same except for the long weekend consisting of Sat & Sun overnights, allowing me to drop him off at school.
Ouch. More than a bit of backsliding here. I really felt the jealousy for a bit. From her, I don't think the anger about me being out on Fri was the same jealousy/interest, but seemed more like a competitive MLCer take.
I looked good at pickup, had a nice new shirt on, and I think this helped to triggered s/t in her.
Sounds like she is having some difficulty finding the balance in her life now. The trials of being a single mom!
I think you're doing it right, approach the visitation changes w/business like attitude, don't just let her change her mind every week. Your s needs more stability than that. She may be struggling to find that happiness/balance to her life right now and more nightclubbing isn't going to get it.
Don't worry about getting bit by the jealousy bug. It'll pass. I'm still chuckling over her reaction tho. It was like, 'Since when did you get a life, Gabriel?'
I agree with dejavu. My W has done this to me for the past two years, trying to horse-trade time with D3. Initially I reacted just the way that you did in the convo, i.e. ask the wherefores and whatfors etc. Maybe your W is feeling that you are having too much fun and GAL at her expense. her money issues are reality biting her. I have learnt over time that it is far better to simply agree with whatever the WAW says. Eventually they run out of things to fight about and then they face up to all the crap that they "planned" turning out to be crap. Unfortunately, highly educated women (and men) somehow think that just because they are smart in school, they automatically make smart decisions about their lives. We all know that history clearly shows there is absolutely no correlation between ability to solve math problems and wisdom in one's life. As far as I know, neither Christ nor Buddha nor Gandhi could ever have figured out the theory of black holes even if they wanted to. And the lives of Einstein and Newton do not indicate that they made the best life-decisions. Ah, but I digress.....The point I am making is that with highly educated women (and men) the process of unmasking for them the sh!tty decisions that they are making in their MLC state is doubly difficult.
Gabriel, I think you already feel that previous conversation was not A+ in DBing. Let me give you my experience in sharing time with D3 with my WAW. Initially, the way it worked out, I had her for more time than WAW. She wanted it that way I think because she was stressed out. That did not make her happy of course. Then, about six months ago, she wanted more time with D3. I had two choices - oppose it and put negative energy in the R and fight over two or three hours with D3 of give her those hours and perhaps gain some advantage in the R. I did the latter. It made things much better between WAW and me. In your case your W is doing the opposite. Perhaps she is feeling single mothering burdensome or maybe it is just competing with you to GAL. Either way, go with the flow. Eventually the truth will hit her in the face, that there are severe consequences for HER in walking away from an R.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
T, I think you're right on with her reaction - she'd rather have my trapped at home as Mr. Mom than out on the town setting up a new life!
UD, she may be competing with me regarding GAL work, but that's too bad if so, cause once again it would be an external focus rather than a pursuit of a discovered passion of hers.
I just got Finley's The Secret of Letting Go. Hopefully it sheds some light on the whole dropping of the rope so that my DBing isn't affected by jealousy much anymore. Just received Awakening at Midlife, UD. Hopefully this helps me with me, as well as understanding W.
Had another read-thru of my old love letters to her (not so painful, actually felt good). Boy, was I a great romantic then! Need to brush up on that hopeful, trusting, risk-taking 'tude.
Ran into a very attractive colleague that I experience a brief mutual attraction to earlier in the year at a meeting today. Wow, she looked even better. We chatted for a bit, but I didn't feel the same vibe b/t us as before. I'm feeling lots of neg energy from run-in with W this am. Need to turn myself around, and stay focused on S5 and myself.
Actually, if you take your S5 more often and your W loses time with him, here are the positives: 1. You spend more time with S5. 2. Your W will now have to find things to do to fill the time and she is most likely going to (at least in a couple of months) find that she is lonely. 3. Your WAW may actually lighten up due to the relief and if you maintain your PMA it may result in a better R. 4. Your WAW may get time and space to do the "internal work" necessary for her to get out of the tunnel and see the light. Of course the minuses are obvious
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
Gabe, I didn't read anything good in that or at least not much. It sounded like the "not available on Friday" is a cut to me...like "you know you have no life". I think she expected an okay from you and when she didn't get it she got snappy. But I could have misinterpreted. I personally think you should have gladly accepted the increased time and shown that you can easily be Mr. Mom. She's struggling apparently with being Mrs Mom. It would also have shown the level of commitment to your son. Although it already sounds like a ton of time you get. Just realize that she'll never find anyone out there that loves your son...not like a dad.
And it sounds like she really didn't take the inquisition well. Obviously inquiring minds would like to know if her reasons are to increase availability for dating or if she just needs more down time. I agree with UD that after a while without your son she'll start to feel lonely. Hopefully that's not easily filled with dates. It hasn't for my ex yet as far as I know.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
The sad part is that our kids are always caught in the middle one way or the other. And it sucks!
You do spend a lot of quality time with S5 because you are such a great dad. That is the best thing that you can give S5
On the flip side, you have to have time for YOU as well. Of course we all love our kids more than anything but even if you were back together wouldn't you still find at least some time to yourself? We all do.
IMO W is trying her best to keep time to YOURSELF cut as short as possible. Not to mention it probably shocked her a bit in you not going along with every "demand" that she wanted. She figures you are doing nothing but idly sitting by waiting for her or deciding to forever be alone.
That is where you have to make her wonder! And you have that started. You just have to take it maybe one step further.
You have to get HER crazymaker going for a change. That is what is so great about adding mystery every chance you get.
Very insightful advice. UD and Wes, I see your point about giving her space and time to do her self-work, and letting go to the point of not intruding on whatever that might consist of. In the past two months, I will have had S5 a total of 24 of 60 such 'free' days. This is a good amount of time, considering that I work about 70 hrs/wk to her 40.
Lost, as you point out, I think she is trying to keep my hands full. Consciously or not, she is attempting this. I could take joy in that, A$$uming that this means that she cares. But in the past few days, I have received a ricochet from my disclosure of care early this week, with her presenting herself as merely trying to be "better."
S5 told me that MIL/FIL and W told him that she was 'stronger' than me the prior weekend. He took it that they meant physically, but I gather that it was intended allude to character strength. Perhaps I need to further my GAL work for her to notice more?
At dropoff tonight, W furthered this view, but asking how dare I try to 'indoctrinate' S5 in Catholicism (I'm Catholic), accusing me of attacking her beliefs. I said quite frankly, "W, I don't even know what you believe. All I know is that you've attended at least 3 different faiths, and I know that I will be teaching S5 what it means to be Catholic. I will do that. Just as you are teaching him what you like."
She also got angry b/c S5 told FIL that he doesn't have to listen to him. She took it that I am insulting her family, but I said (as neutrally as I could), "I told S5 that he must listen to his mother and his father, and his teachers. If he has a disagreement with anyone else, I told him to take it back to you or me, since we are his parents." MIL abused W and my 2 BILs, and FIL knew and let it happen over 2 decades. So I trust them about as far as I can throw them, and am glad S5 is insisting that W make the final call if I'm not there. This is very delicate boundary-setting, but s/t that I believe has to be done.
Finally, she accused me of bad-mouthing her to S5 (not true), as he told her that she needed to say she was sorry. He is a smart kid, and learned in his parochial school that when someone hurts you by accident or no, but apologizes, you say 'I forgive you' and let it go. Simplistic yet a starting point. He sees W as not being able to forgive and let go, and (I take it from her) has brought it up to her. He may have meant for her to say that - "I forgive you" in order for her heart to soften and his family to have a chance at reuniting.
Boy, did this make her p/o'd! Again, she asked me to leave the house.
Yet, she called me just now 'by accident' and we talked briefly, with her saying "You can't do what you did (didn't ask her to explain, as this would have gotten a "You know what you did!") and expect someone to stay married." Then she agreed to my schedule changes. She made sure to point out that "This isn't about me. I could handle him every day. This is about him. Stop making it about me." (I mentioned that it would give her a chance to rest). Finally, and here's the ouch, she insinuated that I have been planting "false hope" in S5 about our family reuniting. Her voice softened as she said this (and I'm reaching here) she did not say, "We have no chance in h2!!" I have admitted S5 that I love his mother on 2 occasions, but I have insisted that he just know that he is loved, and that he leave this 'being apart stuff' to his parents.
Very busy couple of days. I'd like to run off this stress, but it's lightening out... maybe later.
Dude, you are my hero! I work about half that much, with the kids' schedules and the commute from, well, you know, that hot place.
Quote: W furthered this view, but asking how dare I try to 'indoctrinate' S5 in Catholicism (I'm Catholic), accusing me of attacking her beliefs. I said quite frankly, "W, I don't even know what you believe. All I know is that you've attended at least 3 different faiths, and I know that I will be teaching S5 what it means to be Catholic. I will do that. Just as you are teaching him what you like."
I used to thank W because as I saw it, she was doing more than she had promised. She had promised not to interfere with me teaching the kids about Catholicism. She accompanied us to Mass for several years, though she always visibly "tuned out" during the readings and the homily. But Mrs. Angel Neighbor told me last month she once mistook W for Catholic when they moved next to us five years ago, and W told her, "I only go so I can find out what the Catholic Church is teaching my kids and then undo it."
W has never been a member of any congregation of any faith in all the time I've known her. We were married at the Presbyterean church in SC where MIL was a member.
Sticking up for S5 that way is definitely taking the high road. When your W has some idea how she wants to worship, S5 needs to know about that, too. In the meantime, he's better off learning from someone who has a faith to share.
Quote: MIL abused W and my 2 BILs, and FIL knew and let it happen over 2 decades. So I trust them about as far as I can throw them, and am glad S5 is insisting that W make the final call if I'm not there. This is very delicate boundary-setting, but s/t that I believe has to be done.
I'm not joking in the least. You are a hero.
Quote: Yet, she called me just now 'by accident'
The woman knows that her R with you is the best R of her life. Who else cares for her the way you do? Who else could ever love her son the way you do? She's confused and in pain, but she's not stupid.
You're doing great.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
At pick-up, W brought up in the kitchen in a 'business-partner' air that she'd like to expand my time with S5 starting this weekend, alternating with me having him Fri-thru Sun afternoons one week, then overnight Fri the next (eves during the week as always), starting in two days. I told her that this was a change and asked why? She said b/c it would be best for S5. I got a bit jealous, and said "Why don't you just be honest w/me and tell me what is behind this?" (I'm assuming that she's focused on nightlife/dating). She responded, "My life is none of your business. I'm only thinking of S5." Then She escalated, said "You're not free on a Fri night? Why would you be busy?" and asked me to wait outside. When S5 came out, I put him in the car, then told her this week would be okay, but we'd need to negotiate his schedule. She responded, "Nope, you can't have him. That's not a good idea." 
