Thanks for your compliment, Ellie. It was a bittersweet feature in our R. I truly was so attracted to her, yet my compliments to her often were readily dismissed, as her depressive thinking was just opposite - that she was ugly, etc... Very painful to see that in the beautiful woman that I love. The idea that I was entranced just by her also was rejected, with her constantly assuming that I was about to leave her or have an affair.
It must be a bit of a relief for her to not have that possibility to worry about anymore, as she left me first. Yet, I wonder if she's puzzled by my not living as she predicted - not jumping into dating or new Rs.
Ellie, maybe if you just said that "It hurts me when you point out my flaws. Don't you know that I'm way harder on myself than you'll ever be? I want my man to love me and hunger for me and ravish me just as I am." In hindsight, I would have given just about anything for such direct communications from my W. Even in my idiocy, I think I could have heard and learned from that.
UD, the synthesis or combining of the hidden and public selves is a big task for W as well. She is going to have to swallow tons of false pride for this to be possible. I saw her admit fault 3x in our 11 yrs, so admitting to needs or flaws in order to grow would be huge. If anything, I became skewed to the opposite, admitting fault or claiming too much responsibility for the R probs as if to keep the peace, or come up with some rationale for our sitch, or to try to win her over. Not very healthy for me.
Quote: Don't you know that I'm way harder on myself than you'll ever be?
Oh, but you misunderstood me - I'm NOT. I actually think I'm quite okay! It's H who is much harder on himself - the rest of us just get the peripheral fallout of his own internal critic.
I get it. Believe me, your self-confidence is likely very attractive for most men! Its sad to see the internal troubles of a loved one throwing off such a reality-based gift (your self-assurance).
W was the first woman I'd ever been in an R with that had such trouble with that. I didn't notice it 'til later, perhaps b/c she was on a 'high' from the early part of our R, or b/c I was better at loving her then, or b/c of her great acting skills (she was great in drama/plays in high school/college) or worsening depression.
Regardless, I'd love to see her more confident again.
Wow! Had an interesting convo with W tonight: I decided to pull a Wes and throw caution to the wind (somewhat) and give her a call. And we had a semi-R talk.
W and I talked about our changes. I told her I found her beautiful the first time I laid eyes on her, and still when I saw her working out in the gym last Fri. Boy, did she get quiet with that! Then she really brightened.
She told me that she found my 'accusation' that she was pursuing another R insulting (a past convo). "Don't keep assuming the worst of me." I agreed to not do so.
I told her in turn that I would like to be thought of optimistically, that I was very hurt by her keeping books on infidelity and porn use near her nightstand for the last 5 yrs despite my having outgrown that nonsense approx 4 yrs ago. I talked about worrying about this label upon facing S from her in Nov 04, then proving myself to be right - that I'd overcome that bump in my history - by my behavior since then. I basically noted that I've been true to her. And W weakly apologized for keeping the books.
Important: W did not say "We're D'd. Get over it. There's no chance." Or any number of things that she could have.
Instead, she brightened and stayed on the phone for 1 hr, talking about S5 and basically noting what she has attempted to do to mother him (lots of validating on my part). We laughed together, I could hear her sighing and relaxing, and it was a lighter convo toward the end. She talked about the house, and what I might do to improve it, using 'we' several times.
I know. I know. Tomorrow will tell. But until then, I'm enjoying the dreams and sleep I'll have tonight.
Quote: I decided to pull a Wes and throw caution to the wind (somewhat) and give her a call.
Excellent. Sounds like it went over very well. Glad you had the opportunity to have a decent convo with your W. Pulling a Wes isn't always a bad thing.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Hmmm..."pulling a Wes", huh? I am glad that it turned out well. There were several positives in that report, not the least being that your W backed off somewhat and also came forward with some of her irritation.
Of course, the improvement will take place in fits and starts....
BTW, my WAW never admitted her faults during our approx 10 year R also. But lately she has been doing that on occasion....
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
I forgot to add that in last nights convo, W asked for her scrapbooks back and noted that she had no intention of throwing them out. I looked them over last night, and again noted tons of pics, but also page after page of my early love letters to her, and emails. Noticed that I was quite the romantic at that time in our R. Also, with shame, I reflected how little of that effort I put forth since the birth of S5. I definitely was not filling her lovebank well.
Its so easy to let the day-to-day tasks and worries distract one from maintaining one's R well.
W asked me to help transport S5 to Zoo camp this week, and I agreed. I realized that more frequent contact seems to work better for both of us (most of the time), improving our friendliness.
W greeted me at the door with a plate of cinammon rolls for me and a great smile. Keeping my expectations low, but that was sweet.
Poor S5 was scared about attending Zoo camp. He brightened when they gave him his camp T-shirt.
It's interesting you say that because X was tons more romantic at the beginning and as the years went on, he just said that people don't do that so much when they're not 'dating' anymore.
Well, it's what made me fall head over heels in love with him and my memories of that are a large reason why I still love him, so if you get the chance to do it again, go for it.
There would be no WAW's in this world if there was more romance.
It's H who is much harder on himself - the rest of us just get the peripheral fallout of his own internal critic.