Brief review: Me: 38 W: 34 5yr Son Separated since 10/28/04. Signed D Papers 3/24/05 D finalized 5/2/05.
Prior to June, the sitch had much improvement, with increased friendliness and trust. Then during June, a sizable dose of MLC kicked in, with W growing cold, distant, angry again. I responded in past week with several boundary setting behaviors, leading to W asking me to "back off a little."
Was friendly in latter convo about my father and S5.
I'm tweaking my approach to include greater gentleness and improved listening, less reactivity to her MLC-type behaviors, and yet firm boundaries. Ramping up my GAL work again as well.
Setting boundaries is difficult but necessary; I know sometimes it angers them, but I believe we are better off not allowing them free-reign as I know I did early on.
W called very friendly on Wed morn and has been checking in regarding my Dad. I have told her 'thank you' but haven't used the contacts to use her as support. I have a very strong impression that she can't do that right now, and that it would not be welcome. His news isn't the best. It spread to his lymph nodes. So surgery, then chemo. Still a decent chance, and he's a fighter.
W is definitely in MLC mode. Right after checking in w/me about him, she asked me to watch S5 Wed and Fri nights, as she planned to go out. We're back to "if you don't want to, I could get a babysitter... (drawn out pause)." Figured I was peace-making this week, then I'll shift to some unavailability starting next.
I couldn't sleep last night, so woke up at 3am to get work done. S5 started talking in his sleep, about "our family back together", laughing, giggling. I walked over to kiss him on the head and thought "sleep well and long, little one."
After dropping off S5's board Tues am, I noticed 3 scrapbooks that W had made up off our first years of marriage in the garage. It was marked "College Memories" and set with other things she intended to store.
Keeping quietly at work and GAL stuff over here. Way less contact than in the past from her. I'm sitting tight, not wanting to give the impression of pursuit or neediness.
I'm sorry about your dad. Don't want to be a downer, but chemo killed my dad. It destroyed his immune system so much he didn't live and he'd been fighting it for 4 years prior to the chemo.
Have you tried esiac? (anti-cancer remedy) - also green tea, just pure green tea with nothing in it, tastes foul but that is anti-cancer and fights free radicals which destroy human tissue.
Also megadose vitamin C to build up his immune system, especially if he wants the surgery and chemo.
In animal tests, the rats who were given megadose vitamin C always survived and the ones who weren't supplemented didn't.
I know people are different to rats but its worth knowing.
I hope this doesn't offend - just meant to be friendly advice from someone who lost her dad at age 18.
No offense taken. His odds are tough, but as I noted before, he's beaten C before. I'm helping him look into a variety of options, with surgery coming first.
Went to work out at the gym this afternoon. After lifting weights for some time, I noticed W on a stair machine. I went over to say hi, taking Wes' "friend" attitude with me. She bristled, and seemed to want to not talk, doing the high schooler, eye-rolling thing. In the recent past, she's spoken with resentment about my self-care efforts. This is similar to our M, where good things that happened to me often were used by W to either beat herself up or to get on me about not attending to her enough.
I kept a semi-positive attitude and said goodbye and continued with my workout. When I left, W was still there. Even tho the interaction wasn't the best, I was glad I approached her, as now she has my friendly approach to think about. My one regret was that I mentioned a convo I had with my Dad, briefly noting my concern, with W minimizing "Oh, it's not that bad. At least he doesn't have just a 5% chance." Wow. I will not be bringing him up to her again. That one cut deep. Yet I know it was the selfish WAS talk that I should have expected.
Ouch. These WA can cut right where it hurts huh? Yes, it sounds like her selfishness combined w/you catching her at an unprepared moment and being nice and friendly about it!
You did good w/the moment tho. Sounds like you had the adult behavior here and she had the childish side going!
And as for her comment. Even people w/only a 5% chance can bounce back. My s17's dad had only that much of a chance the first year he was diagnosed (different C than your dad's tho) and he not only bounced back, but came off dialysis (which I never knew could be done!) and lived 5 years longer than they said he would. (his bad habits got to him, not the chemo. he was a chronic smoker until he passed, not good when C has spread to the lungs)
Quote: with W minimizing "Oh, it's not that bad. At least he doesn't have just a 5% chance."
You know - that seems to be one pretty consistent thing about this WAS disease - the loss of empathy, even in people who were formerly quite caring. I have a half-baked theory about it - I noticed that one of the side-effects of my D14 taking high-dose Prozac for her bulimia was a similar loss of empathy (and she used to be SO empathic!). High dose Prozac raises the serotonin but can cause a fall in dopamine - resulting in attention problems, lack of motivation - and, apparently, loss of empathy in my D's case! So, I think whatever neurotransmitter imbalance the WASs are experiencing does seem to rob them of their ability to empathize with the pain of others.
You handled that well. Maybe she was "bristling" or maybe it was something else. I'm glad you could ignore it. Or at least I hope you could. I think the message would have been worse if you had seen her and not gone over.
Maybe your wife was actually trying in a really really bad way to make you feel better about your dad's chances? I wouldn't give mentioning your dad's illness a second thought...she's your friend and used to be his daughter in law (for quite a few years), it is completely natural to talk about your father to her. I would be worried if you didn't. But yeah, she's probably self-centered and lacks empathy....or perhaps you'll feel better about the whole interaction if you think that maybe she was struggling so hard not to show her feelings for you that she came across as a little snooty.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
T, his chances are actually much better - probably in the 60-40% range. I'm staying positive.
Ellie, that neurotransmitter idea is fascinating. Never thought about it that way. She did a round of zoloft about 2 yrs ago in our M, and I thought I saw an artificial "kick" to her mood last Jan-Feb that suggested a new round of anti-depressants, but nothing ever came up with my insurance, so I doubt it. Sounds like you're saying this might be a typical imbalance found in WAS, similar to depression but more complex, with dopamine influencing learning, attention, and emotion. Hmmmm - very interesting!
Regardless, just expecting her to be self-centered helped me deaden the blow a bit. It was more of registered, "Oh yeah. Gotta protect that part of my heart from her." I do the same with key interactions, activities, and the spiritual beliefs that I'm trying to impart to S5. I know she'll discount/attack/minimize on certain topics, so why put it out there.
Eventually, it will come back to taking yet another chance at being vulnerable, but I'm much more comfortable doing that regarding only me, as opposed to bringing in other loved ones.
