Sorry to SahDaddy and Burg....not trying P.O. anybody, its just a sour subject with me and should have kept that opinion to my self. I put up with 3 separate affairs with my wife one before marriage and two after and often felt that if I had just stopped conflict avoiding I could have stopped it sooner. Ironic thing is that we divorced after the last and 4-5 months later got back and been back almost 5 years. Her being a military wife wasn't easy and now we are fine. Everyone has to find their own way...again sorry!!
I see where you're coming from. I don't see a problem in bringing up your side of things, I just read how you did it as kind of pulling a scab off a fresh wound. Sorry I snapped.
It sounds like your M is doing well now; what brings you here? Have you got any secrets (or not-so-secrets) you'd like to share? Have you got a thread going somewhere?
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
I find myself switching theories regarding my situation as mush as I change socks, and sometimes I frustrate myself. I am however starting to believe in something here and would like to get your opinions.
I had previously posted that W had started drinking alcohol quite a bit as the onset of this situation. That is not quite accurate. She has always drank and before would go through periods of doing more than less and less than more. Before her mom’s death earlier this year, however, she had really cut down.
Since her mom’s passing and the EA/PA, she started drinking quite a bit again. I think I mentioned earlier that before she moved out she was doing a shot at 5:30 in the morning the minute she got up. I also discovered her hiding a bottle in a glove in her bag. I know that this is real serious stuff. Although she has moved out, I know for a fact that nothing has changed in that area. As recently as last night, she became intoxicated in her apartment while Ks were with her.
Today, I had the opportunity to speak with a lady at my office who told me that she was a recovering alcoholic who had been sober for 18 years. She said that she had lost her husband and job and was homeless living under a bridge when her H came to her and suggested that she might need some help. She checked herself into a 90 day program and has been dry since.
I explained my sitch to her and she believes wholeheartedly that 99.9% of these issues are caused by her alcoholism, not that her alcoholism is not caused by the issues. She believes that if W were to get help and stop drinking, the A would end and there would be a very good possibility that she would end up back home with me. We discussed intervention and other possible scenarios to prompt something to happen.
I would love to hear from anyone having similar issues or experience as to what might be done. Perhaps between all of us, we can think of something “outside the box.” Thanks for indulging in my long post.
No need to apologize. I ask myself the same questions, and your comments gave me pause to reply with a well-thought answer which I felt good about.
I have continued to chat with W twice a day while she is on her vacation with OM. It's impossible to manage phone calls with a 1 yr old without some adult intervention, and I'm sure if we didn't speak, S4 would wonder why. It's part of the new paradigm, I suppose.
Like BBUd, I'd be interested in knowing more about your split and eventual reconciliation. How do we find out?
I somehow missed this post until just now when I was wondering how you were getting on WAWF.
Alcohol is such a dodgy issue for women and I suspect that it's a bigger problem than most people understand. I think I've said to you before that I'm not adverse to a tipple myself and I know that my drinking during the past 12 months of our marriage contributed signficantly to my problems and especially my depression.
The problem with alcohol though is, despite the inspiring story you heard from your colleague, it is very difficult to get someone to stop drinking, or limit their drinking, until they are ready to do it themselves. I can guarantee you that if you go to her and suggest she needs help with a drinking problem she will resent it and it will give her one more excuse for walking away (that old husband of mine was so disrespectful he accused me of being an alcoholic ...) you don't want that.
How are you anyway. Thinking of you.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thanks WWB, I really did not take her advice as being inspiring, I just took it as a different view in the situation. It’s kind of gets to the chicken or the egg argument; is the alcoholism creating these issues or are the issues leading to the alcoholism. It really does not make any difference except that she and I can never reconcile until she admits the problem and does something about it. Just one more f***** obstacle that I have to overcome. This just sucks!
In reading my sitch, this is not a “Tipple” issue. (Hell, WWB, next time you’re in the states call me and we’ll have a tipple together!) This is serious morning, noon, night, and hiding issue. You are absolutely right that any suggestion by me would just p*ss her off more and hurt the sitch. As my C said yesterday, I have to give this one to God and hope that she hits bottom soon and safely.
Regardless, I am still planning on going to the “after the last resort technique” on December 1 if nothing changes by then, including of course my mind. At that time, I will tell her that we are completely done and shut off all contact.
Anyway, thanks for your post, and keep them coming!
Just journaling… Walked to the bank this afternoon and then as I was heading toward the gym, who do I spy but my W walking out of a Mexican restaurant with lunch. (She is near my office every other Wed to get her nails done.) Walked behind her for a few steps and then said, “Are you lost little girl?” We both laughed and walked and talked for a while until I reached the gym.
Later I received an email from her asking, “Are you dying your hair?” (No, I am not.) I called her and left a message saying that her question required an immediate response, not just an email, and no, I was not dying my hair, just styling it a bit different (180 noticed!) She later emailed back, “Me thinks thou dost protest too much.” See folks, this is the kind of banter that she and I have shared for the last 15 years and we both enjoyed it immensely. That is why I get so happy, then depressed, after exchanges like this.
As an aside, after working out, I did not put my wedding ring back on. I have not not worn it since the day we were married 11+ years ago. I just feel that if she is out there with OM, maybe it’s time I started enjoying myself, even though I swore to myself I wouldn’t take it off until the day the divorce was final. Who knows, maybe this is a 180 that she will take note of.
I am around. I continue to read your post, but haven't had a whole lot to say. I'm so sorry that you and your children are apart of this ride. I also sorry that your wife is apart of it. I always wondered what it was like for my H while we where having problems, and today I can say that if it's hard for us, Its twice as hard for them. Think about it, every day having to look in the mirror at the decisions one has made and the hurt one has caused.
In Alberta we have an AA meeting, and they provide C for those with addictions and for the families. Is there any programs around you that can help you get through this?
I suggest learning as much as you can on the drinking disease. Intervention may be something that is needed. Is there anyone that your W trusts who could help you out on this issue? Someone she'll listen to?
Hang in there. I'm thinking about. I did post my update over in piecing. By the way... 4 more weeks till I'm no longer fat and pregnant!!!! I'm getting so excited to meet my new little man.
PLW
I saved my marriage and so can you....Its all about positive thinking...
Yes, PPL, there are programs here and she does have a couple of friends that I would trust to intervene, but that aint gonna happen for a while. Unfortunately, I have realized that she needs to discover for herself the issue, and that will require her hitting bottom. As I said before, I just pray it can and will happen before she and I are done.
Also as I said before, please stay in touch, and for gosh sake, let us know when the new one joins you (us).
Do you think she's close to hitting rock bottom? I'm gald the detaching part is working for you, and you can sit back and be a friend for her. She needs that the most right now. I will for sure tell you when the baby is born. I am looking so forward to having my body back.
I saved my marriage and so can you....Its all about positive thinking...
