Great, I've got Don Rickles telling me how to validate!!! (I was so pi**ed off tonight, thanks for cracking me up)
The truth is, becasue of the law here, I will be able to buy her out of the house, all of our debts will be paid off, and she will NOT have nearly enough to get a house. My C was right, this is going to get a hell of a lot worse before it gets better once W realizes that. I am actually glad she has an attorney so her attorney can break the bad news, not me.
What does concern me greatly, though, is the fact that I don't want my WAW to come back because of money, but because she really wants to.
Fighter The death of a parent is a big thing to WAW. My trouble started after the death of W's father. A old boy friend came to the funeral. Six months later she satarted EA by mailing him a birthday card. I was able to keep it an EA by calling his W. But didn't deal with the situation in the way to make it better. W is probably a serial cheater. Has had other EA's and in all probablity PA's. I still get blamed for not letting her be there for her mom and greive her father after the death. Stupid me, I wanted to get her away from the pain and bring her back home with the 4kids. Should have went home with the kids and left her there. But should of's don't count.
I just returned from my kids' first day of school. W was there before me and I did not see her. It was really depressing to see all the happy families and to know that we may not be able to afford to keep them at this school, which they love, if the D goes through.
OK, so I spent an hour with DB Coach Chuck this morning and I calmed down quite a bit. I will not yet do the after the last resort technique, but will still consider it in December.
I will continue to DB, to stand strong even in the face of her attacks and mood swings, and continue to pray that one day she will wake up and realize what she is missing.
I will also share all of our financial info with her and be prepared for her to blow her top. Might as well get it over with sooner than later.
A big issue that has come up since the bomb dropped was our financial status. I have always done the books and bills. W’s paycheck, (pretty good one, by the way) was always direct deposited into our account and I would pay the bills. We have one CC that has gotten pretty high and two equity lines that have gotten up there as well. Overall, our assets still greatly outnumber our liabilities and our bills are always paid on time. Therefore, I never thought it was that big a deal. My W, on the other hand…
When all of this came up, she asked to look at all of our statements and became outraged at our debt. (Now, a lot of it was her purchases, but I never discussed with her the bottom line.) She has now focused on this “huge financial burden.” Again, I know, or at least think, that this is a typical diversion away from the real issue (Can you saw her EA/PA), but, I also know that I was totally wrong in not being open with her about our finances. In my own defense, I never gambled money away; I was just doing what I though was best for our family, wrong or right. (As an aside, since then, I have moved all of the books, including my business bills, to home and the home computer. I now do all the bills from home, even though she doesn’t live here now. Hey, I’m trying.)
She recently asked me for copies of the last few years’ statements so she can see where the money went. At first, I was hesitant, and asked her for a couple of weeks to get everything together. After speaking with Chuck this morning, I have instead decided to turn this into a 180.
I will copy everything she wants and give it to her. Along with it I will enclose a short note saying, “I can’t change the way things were done in the past, I can only change the way things are done now and in the future.” Note that I am not being defensive nor apologetic, bit simply stating a fact. She will no doubt find a reason to get mad about the statements, but at least I am now being open, and, better to get it over with sooner than later.
Yep, get it all out there now, during a time when you're pretty sure she's not coming back tomorrow anyway. If she does get really upset at least she'll have time to get over it. You'd hate to be in the scenario where she starts leaning back to you and then something like this crops up and makes her doubt her new direction.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
I made money one of the issues in my head when I walked. I was making good money but it just seemed to be going into a black hole (my H did all the $$ too). One of the things I thought would be better about living alone was that I'd have more money ...
She knows in her heart that she is spending as much as anyone and she knows she abdicated her responsibility to you so she is responsible for that ... just give it all to her and let her make a judgement.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Burgbud & WB, thanks for the input. I think you are both correct. Golly WB, you and my sitch really do have a lot in common. And Burg, I saw one of your other responses today on another sitch, are you doing o.k.? Seriously, let me know. I think we all know about stress, (most effective weight loss program in the world, huh?) Anyway, I will get all the finances together and write the note I talked about and get them to W next week. If money issues end up causing us to D, then I really don’t want her back anyway, know what I mean?
Beside that, how about a little journaling:
Tonight was kids’ back to school night. W emailed me this morning and asked me if I was going. I am the school “Historian” so I am supposed to go to these functions and take photographs. I responded that I was. But, had no idea if she was or not.
I got there and she was in fact there. She had the kids tonight so she must have either gotten a sitter or OM was there. (I know, I shouldn’t assume that.) She was also sporting a new fancy bracelet, again, OM? (As an aside, my W’s love language is gifts, and I have never failed to shower her with them!)
We spoke only briefly as I was hanging with some other school parents that she no longer likes. She no longer likes them because when she told them last May that she was leaving me they thought she was insane and basically told her so. Oh well, everyone is entitled to their opinion.
She did not hang out for the classroom talks, but asked me to. I left very depressed. I really miss her and I continue to pray that we can turn this around.
As always, any support or advice would be greatly appreciated.
No advice, WAWF, just support. Remember that the 90% of affair partners never marry, and most of them fail eventually. Time. Patience. Prayers. And keep working on yourself.
And Burg, I saw one of your other responses today on another sitch, are you doing o.k.?
Yeah, I'm good. I appreciate the concern. I assume you're referring to my response to ILF in SAHd's thread. I read that thing five times and it just seemed so the opposite of helpful. Maybe I snapped a little, but it felt right!
I also wanted to let you know, you inspired me yesterday. The mediator had told us to get a budget put together. W immediately turned to me because I've been handling the finances (loosely speaking) for awhile now. The mediator told her that it's important in this process, for her own dignity and self-worth, that she do her own budget and get everything figured out for herself, and that I should do my own as well. She agreed. But a couple of days ago she asked if I'd done the budget yet. Me: "No. But you're supposed to do your own, right?" W: "Yes, but you are too." I really didn't want to until she'd gone through it herself to find out where we really are. But who knows when that would happen? So following your lead, I went ahead and put together a first cut last night and let her know. We'll see how long it takes her to do something with it, but I'm glad it's out of the way.
So thank you!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
