Quote: I am more depressed now then I was before. I truly miss her and just wish this whole mess would just come to an end. It scares me when she seems so confident when I am secretly hoping that she is miserable. I know she probably is behind closed doors. I just wish I could get a better read.
WAW's have an amazing ability to "act as if" right from the beginning. They do a really good job of it too! This is because they are normally months (if not years) ahead of us on the scale - they have been contemplating D for a while. She most likely puts on a good show for you, so you don't know what is really going on. Remember, it just "seems" like she is confident. The eyes are a good indicator of how someone feels though. That's why a lot of the time, the WA doesn't make eye contact. It gives them away. I actually made eye contact the other day with my WAW - and I could see in her eyes the love was still there, along with hurt and guilt. I've known her for nearly 18 years, and I always know that I can look in her eyes to see how she really feels...anyway, I'm rambling. Keep up the good work and the PMA! Baby steps, baby steps!!!
Bryan
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Next, it's like what lbhofwaw said. In most cases, I don't believe it's real. WAS are so good at hiding how they really feel from us most of the time. They want us to see them as happy and doing well, I think it's mostly because they don't want us to see and know how bad they really feel 1. so we don't feel bad and 2. we can't go "told you so" and make them be wrong in their choice.
I know it's hard, but try to stay positive. You do have the kids for two days. Forget about you W as much as you can and enjoy the kids.
Walkingback, Welcome. I am going to take advantage of your sitch in order to gain some insight for me and other LBSs (Left behind spouses) that are trying to save our marriages. Please take a look at these questions and do your best to give us your best answers. The first four are from a thread a couple years ago and I threw the last two in myself.
This is not, however, a one way street. You said that it may be too late for you. Please get your thread going and let us know what your sitch is so we in turn can help you. Already going? Let us know where.
Thanks a million from not only me but dozens more on here.
Questions for the WAS
1. Is it possible that the WAS just really doesn't have a clue how they feel?
2. Is it possible that the WAS could feel that they don't have any intentions of working things out, and then change their mind?
3. What goes through the head of the WAS once they are out on their own?
4. What is the most effective way of dealing with the WAS, in helping restore the R, and not scaring them off, or causing further damage?
5. What kind of face did you put on in front of your S when you saw him? Was it all an act? In other words, did you act confident with him but were sad and depressed behind closed doors?
6. If and when you saw him and ended up having a good time, did you soon after distance yourself?
I'm just one recovering WAW so I can't speak definitively about how all WAWs feel. However I've been reading your posts for a while and see some similarities between your WAW and me. Especially some stuff she said earlier about that she feared 'going nowhere always' and the stuff about being confused and telling your friends she 'had no idea what she was doing'. I can really relate to all of that.
So, with that in mind, and only speaking on my own behalf (these are the views of the author and should not be considered to represent the views of all WAWs!!) I'll have a go at your questions...
Quote: 1. Is it possible that the WAS just really doesn't have a clue how they feel?
It is not only possible, it is highly likely the WAS has no clue how they feel about their marriage. What they do know is that they are sad. They are sad about a whole heap of things and they think the only thing they have any power to change is their marital status. In my case I think I was depressed for around a year before I left - for heaps of reasons - but rather than deal with my reasons, I blamed my husband - especially when he couldn't fix my problems. I honestly thought I'd be happy if I could just move out and be on my own. I didn't understand then that since my depression and "issues" were of my making, I'd be taking them with me and I'd be just as miserable, if not more so, when I was living alone with them.
Quote: 2. Is it possible that the WAS could feel that they don't have any intentions of working things out, and then change their mind?
Absolutely. I thought about leaving and made plans to leave over at least 3 months. I was well and truely out of the relationship. I was never going back. Here I am, 9 months later.
Quote: 3. What goes through the head of the WAS once they are out on their own?
Sadly, not much improves. I had this amazing idea that as soon as I was independent and didn't have to make dinner for the family or deal with his family or put up with what I perceived were his limited ambitions my life would be perfect. Then I found out that it wasn't. I was lonely, I missed him and my life. Interestingly some of the things that kept me from going home early on were well meaning third parties. My family, my friends. They just wanted to see me happy again and they'd bought my story that all my problems had to do with him. So I got a lot of support to stay away from him because heaps of people who loved me thought that would be the best way for me to 'get happy' again. So it was a double edged sword - I was putting on a brave face so everyone would think I was OK, friends and family were encouraging me to be OK - and all the time I was just thinking "If anyone had have told me how awful this would be there is no way I would have separated from my husband." I said to my sister a little while ago that I think divorce is like childbirth - you never know how painful it's going to be until you are half way through it.
Quote: 4. What is the most effective way of dealing with the WAS, in helping restore the R, and not scaring them off, or causing further damage?
Follow DB to a T. GAL, show that you are happy and content. Make her scared that she could lose you. As soon as my H did that (more through good luck than good planning I think) I realised what I was going to be giving up and the universe finally knocked some sense into me.
Quote: 5. What kind of face did you put on in front of your S when you saw him? Was it all an act? In other words, did you act confident with him but were sad and depressed behind closed doors?
Like I said - I was confused. Sometimes I was happy and put on a happy face (I was happiest when he was miserable) sometimes I was sad and depressed and cried and was generally disgusting to be around (generally when he was upbeat and doing OK). I have spent a lot of time crying behind closed doors these past 9 months though. When you do something as radical as leaving your family you don't want people to know how scared you are.
Quote: 6. If and when you saw him and ended up having a good time, did you soon after distance yourself?
Yes. Although I hadn't noticed it myself until I thought about it reading here. I'm not sure why. Perhaps again it's the fear that you've made this huge decision and uprooted your whole family - and there is some evidence that perhaps it's the wrong decision. I don't know.
I've just started posting (I've been a lurker for a long time), but I'm ready to put myself on the line ... a kind of 180 for me. Walkingback?
Take care. You are doing well - although my advice to you would be to detach even more and give her a bit of a fright that you might not be waiting around for ever ... you might notice a difference in her attitude towards you.
Cheers, Walkingback?
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Yes. Although I hadn't noticed it myself until I thought about it reading here. I'm not sure why. Perhaps again it's the fear that you've made this huge decision and uprooted your whole family - and there is some evidence that perhaps it's the wrong decision. I don't know.
Wlakingback!
Thank you so much for trying to help us understand. Just today I was trying to figure out #6. We'd have a good day together and then the next two he'd act like he couldn't stand me.
But thank you so much. Your insite means more than you'll know.
Walkingback, I can’t thank you enough for following my sitch and for replying so honestly. You mentioned that you saw some similarities with you and my W. Please keep reading my posts and relate ANY advice you can.
A couple of more things about my W: Her mom passed away in January and I truly believe that was 90% of what brought all of this on. There were several issues there and to date she has not dealt with them. Within just a couple of weeks, she met the OM and began the affair. Unfortunately, I believe it is a full blown EA as well as PA. Although she might have broken off with him for a very short time a few months ago, it is back on big time. When she told me she had filed for divorce last week, I said, “I know you have developed strong feelings for him.” She replied, “No, not really.” I do not know if that is true or she is trying to fool herself. Also, I truly believe that she has re-written our marital history in order to justify her affair, not that our marital history caused it. The fact is, overall, we did have a very good marriage.
Another factor that I am facing is the fact that her alcohol intake has increased dramatically to the point where I saw her doing shots when she woke up first thing in the morning and discovered she was hiding a bottle in her bag. Granted, this was before she moved out in June, but I do not believe someone that has developed that kind of problem can simply stop at will. Also, I have been with her in the last few weeks when she was bombed off her gourd, (on a Monday night.)
You also mentioned being depressed. I believe my W is in full depression.
Regarding the divorce, she emailed me last week that at one point “we were exceptional, and I hope we can be again.” She meant after our divorce. Truly a case of having one’s cake and eating it to.
Walkingback, was it then your H started seeing the OW that you started thinking about going back, or was it something else? I guess me, and several others here, are looking for a miracle answer. Any more help you can give would be appreciated.
As I said before, please throw some questions at us guys about your sitch. We will do our best to help you out as well.
Loss of a parent, drinking and depression have all been factors in my marriage break down. Unfortunately the problem with drinking is that while some of us "wise" women use it to get through the depression - it infact makes the symptoms worse. The bad news about that though is that you can't do anything about it. Your wife has to realise that for herself.
The thing that really struck me about your wife was that she said something along the lines that she perceived you/she were going along and getting nowhere - and your post was like what? we have a beautiful home beautiful children, we've worked hard for what we have and she reckons it's getting nowhere?
I can't explain where that feeling comes from but it was the one I was responding to when I left. It's like one day you wake up and you think to yourself "is this all there is?" Regardless of ALL that you have (and like you I have a beautiful home, a great job, my h has a great job, we enjoy fantastic holidays most years, fab friends, close family etc etc) but something snaps in you (probably as a result of depression) and for some bizarre reason you think that you have better chance of 'getting more' or 'being happier' if you can dump this old bozo you fell for when you were a child and move on ...
I've just spent the weekend with 8 other women and one of them is in a situation v. similar to mine. She and her husband separated 18 months ago after he discovered she'd been having an affair. I asked her why she had the affair and she said she didn't know, just that she didn't feel she was getting enough from her relationship with her husband, that she was doing all the work, they were existing in parralle lives rather than connected ones and she wanted more than that from a marriage. I understood and agreed with that too. Women want different things from relationships and after a while we get sick of trying to explain what they are (all the stuff we dbers have read in His Needs/Her Needs, 5LL etc). Anyway the good news in that relationship is that they recently went to a mutual friends wedding (separately) and got to talking and realised how much they've been missing each other. Now they are seriously discussing the options for reconciling.
Quote: Walkingback, was it then your H started seeing the OW that you started thinking about going back, or was it something else? I guess me, and several others here, are looking for a miracle answer. Any more help you can give would be appreciated.
Interestingly I didn't know my husband was seeing someone else until I decided to talk to him about the possibility of me coming home. For about a month he'd been so happy and nice to be around, he was getting a life and not calling me all the time - now I realise it was because he was in the v. romantic period of a new relationship - but then I thought he'd morphed into this fantastic bloke - just like the one I'd fallen in love with.
I called him and arranged to meet. We met, I said my piece and he just shook his head and told me that he was seeing someone else and that I'd left him and he wouldn't put himself through that again.
So there is proof that the psychology of DBing really works. I don't think you necessarily have to get a new lover (although that obviously helped my H to have a frame of mind where he detached/got a life etc) - but his changes, where he just 100% accepted that I'd made my decision and I wasn't coming home, and he loving let me get on with my life (because he was happy and occupied) made me realise that I loved him and missed him and wanted to be with him. For what it's worth ...
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
WB, It is worth a fortune. I am detaching and getting a life, so far without another woman. I do have to say though, I have pretty much made up my mind to keep this strategy going until December 1. At that time, if nothing has changed, I will send WAW a letter stating my itentions of going completely dark, no friendship, no communication except for kids issues, etc. Our D will be final in mid February if things keep going this route. That will give her 2 1/2 mos to think if that is what she really wants. (The fact that it is the holidays come in to play as well.
And to be honest, and you may not understand this, but I love this WAW so much, that the thought of merely standing by as a friend or acquaintance for the rest of our lives, well, I am just not that strong.
Granted, many things can happen between now and then. I'll juts have to wait and see.
WWB, what about mood swings? My W called this morning and we had a very fun, light conversation about different fun things. Within 10 minutes, she emailed me and left three messages really pi**ed about financial matters. It really takes away a lot of hope and destroys what confidence I have as to reconciling.
