I'm just one recovering WAW so I can't speak definitively about how all WAWs feel. However I've been reading your posts for a while and see some similarities between your WAW and me. Especially some stuff she said earlier about that she feared 'going nowhere always' and the stuff about being confused and telling your friends she 'had no idea what she was doing'. I can really relate to all of that.
So, with that in mind, and only speaking on my own behalf (these are the views of the author and should not be considered to represent the views of all WAWs!!) I'll have a go at your questions...
Quote: 1. Is it possible that the WAS just really doesn't have a clue how they feel?
It is not only possible, it is highly likely the WAS has no clue how they feel about their marriage. What they do know is that they are sad. They are sad about a whole heap of things and they think the only thing they have any power to change is their marital status. In my case I think I was depressed for around a year before I left - for heaps of reasons - but rather than deal with my reasons, I blamed my husband - especially when he couldn't fix my problems. I honestly thought I'd be happy if I could just move out and be on my own. I didn't understand then that since my depression and "issues" were of my making, I'd be taking them with me and I'd be just as miserable, if not more so, when I was living alone with them.
Quote: 2. Is it possible that the WAS could feel that they don't have any intentions of working things out, and then change their mind?
Absolutely. I thought about leaving and made plans to leave over at least 3 months. I was well and truely out of the relationship. I was never going back. Here I am, 9 months later.
Quote: 3. What goes through the head of the WAS once they are out on their own?
Sadly, not much improves. I had this amazing idea that as soon as I was independent and didn't have to make dinner for the family or deal with his family or put up with what I perceived were his limited ambitions my life would be perfect. Then I found out that it wasn't. I was lonely, I missed him and my life. Interestingly some of the things that kept me from going home early on were well meaning third parties. My family, my friends. They just wanted to see me happy again and they'd bought my story that all my problems had to do with him. So I got a lot of support to stay away from him because heaps of people who loved me thought that would be the best way for me to 'get happy' again. So it was a double edged sword - I was putting on a brave face so everyone would think I was OK, friends and family were encouraging me to be OK - and all the time I was just thinking "If anyone had have told me how awful this would be there is no way I would have separated from my husband." I said to my sister a little while ago that I think divorce is like childbirth - you never know how painful it's going to be until you are half way through it.
Quote: 4. What is the most effective way of dealing with the WAS, in helping restore the R, and not scaring them off, or causing further damage?
Follow DB to a T. GAL, show that you are happy and content. Make her scared that she could lose you. As soon as my H did that (more through good luck than good planning I think) I realised what I was going to be giving up and the universe finally knocked some sense into me.
Quote: 5. What kind of face did you put on in front of your S when you saw him? Was it all an act? In other words, did you act confident with him but were sad and depressed behind closed doors?
Like I said - I was confused. Sometimes I was happy and put on a happy face (I was happiest when he was miserable) sometimes I was sad and depressed and cried and was generally disgusting to be around (generally when he was upbeat and doing OK). I have spent a lot of time crying behind closed doors these past 9 months though. When you do something as radical as leaving your family you don't want people to know how scared you are.
Quote: 6. If and when you saw him and ended up having a good time, did you soon after distance yourself?
Yes. Although I hadn't noticed it myself until I thought about it reading here. I'm not sure why. Perhaps again it's the fear that you've made this huge decision and uprooted your whole family - and there is some evidence that perhaps it's the wrong decision. I don't know.
I've just started posting (I've been a lurker for a long time), but I'm ready to put myself on the line ... a kind of 180 for me. Walkingback?
Take care. You are doing well - although my advice to you would be to detach even more and give her a bit of a fright that you might not be waiting around for ever ... you might notice a difference in her attitude towards you.
Cheers, Walkingback?
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
