W is actually starting to look at things from a big picture perspective. That could be a big step. I have found that once in a while during all of the shouting and anger, a fact or a point gets through a crack in the WA's wall and actually sticks. Maybe it has to do with the WA's personality (ie. how willing are they to approach the sitch with a beginners mind).
As you know, don't make a habit of losing control. You only get so many mulligans. Also follow lbhofwaw's cautionary statement too.
W called me this mornign and said she filed. She was in tears and still sounds extremely confused. I tried to communicate that we still had a chance, and wasn't it worth one more try. I just don't know how to react anymore.
W called me this mornign and said she filed. She was in tears and still sounds extremely confused. I tried to communicate that we still had a chance, and wasn't it worth one more try. I just don't know how to react anymore.
Believe it or not, that response of yours is still "pursuing".
She's sad over what has to happen, she's letting it out by crying. In lieu of telling her it needn't be this way, let her express her emotions while you listen and validate them. Let her dump her emotions out; it will bode far better for you if you're just there for her to do so, rather than reason with her to try to have her see the answer being working on the relationship.
Don't let the D get to you, it means nothing. As a legal structure for the relationship, of what good is it if the relationship isn't what it should be; what good is it if one of the parties sees it as confinement. It merely ends the legal tie, that's all.
Case in point: I signed off the D papers last week. Today my ex calls me to say she'd like to come out, spend the day and visit me tomorrow. Both events were in the works at the same time. The D was going through while I was working on a new relationship of friendship with her over the past 15 months ... so I ask you, does a D make a relationship get worse?
Reread your palm pilot, reread MF's story, review DB's Chapter 10. Remember that this is a rough ride. Our emotions get the better of us many times. It's OK to feel how you feel, the difference of making progress or not is how you handle them. Review the DO's & Dont's section of DB.
These will be the most powerful feelings you have ever felt. But you must be a man and dig deep down inside to control how you react to them. I know it ain't easy and just remember how much I've messed up. We all have our backslides. Just remember, it's just as easy to make a positive babystep as it is to get stuck in the mire (C2H's advice to MF once). Wishing you strength, courage, and Hope.
GG
"You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them..." The Gambler
Thanks GG, NYS, Hope, et al. Yep, I blew it. Yelled, forgot to empathize, forgot to validate, but hey, I forgive myself!
Went to the MC today and she reminded me that my W is "Drunk and Depressed." That I need to remember that when she is throwing dirt and that I am NOT TO FIX THINGS (stop the male instinct). This also answered my questions as to when W said, “I hate the house,” when only months ago she loved it. Well, being D&D (See above), she hates everything right now!
Unfortunately, I and MC seem to think this is going to get worse before it gets better. I am getting prepared. W needs to hit bottom before this can be salvaged. I am praying that she does it sooner than later and more importantly, safely.
Its really hard when your the one watching from the sidelines. Its even harder watching the one you love, make the biggest mistake of their lives. I do know though that in the end things do work out. You will be a stronger, better person one way or another.
Keep your chin up high, and remember this is not your wife. Keep a positive mind and always see the good in any situation. It may be harder said than done, but that was what helped me get through all the BS that my H throw at me (and he throw me lots). Sometimes a person does need to reach rock bottom before it gets better, and all you can do is pray for their safety. And sometimes thats the best thing to do for them and yourself. This is where the detaching comes into play. It allows you to watch without interfering.
Take this time to REALLY focus on you. Make this all about yourself and not her. I'm thinking about you.
I saved my marriage and so can you....Its all about positive thinking...
W called me today and asked if I wanted to have the kids on my upcoming birthday even though it was her day. I said I would love to, but no, as it was her day to have them. She responded with, “Well, I offered.” I was not trying to be a martyr, just trying to show her what rules will affect us for the rest of our lives if D goes through.
She then called back within ten seconds and said, “Would you like us all to go out on your birthday?” I said that would be wonderful. So now we are all going out to dinner together.
Saw my MC later and she verified how ambivalent W still is, even though papers have been filed. My homework, keep her ambivalent, at least for now, through listening, validating, friendliness, etc. Wish me luck!
See, you handled that very well! She coulda been fishing for you to have initiated (or pleaded) to say: “Would you like us all to go out on your birthday?”
Let her keep initiating. In the future you will be able to make offers, or requests (never demands) for time together but for now, keep things this way. Enjoy your dinner, make her smile, and have a wonderful Birthday! After dinner cheerlead & validate (but don't grovel) about how much you appreciate her having done this for you.
Last year, my W did not even acknowledge mine. And this year, she baked me a cake and took me out to dinner with kids. No passion, but progress!
Now, if your W ends up backing out, don't react or confront her negatively, just let her know calmy and confidently that you're disappointed and then let it go. So Good Luck! Keep it up man, you're doing very good!
GG
"You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them..." The Gambler
Well, went out w/ W and my kids for my birthday dinner. It turned out she needed to go out of town for two nights on a business trip afterward and asked me to keep the kids. I said no problem, (But my fantasy of her asking me to stay the night at her place went right out the window, o.k., I knew it wouldn’t happen anyway.)
I was very good at staring at her intently when she was speaking to me and I kept any fixing comments to myself. At one point she checked her voice mail at dinner (something that she would have NEVER done before). She then asked me if I could program her phone for 1 touch VM and I said I didn’t know how to. I did see that the phone had at least two missed calls from OM on it though. (PS, I know she really is on business so I’m not worried about him, this time.)
Also, couple more 180s; I never approached the hostess for a table, let W do that. Didn't reach for the check, (I'm not cheap, but she did invite me.)
I thanked her cordially for dinner and complimented her. Got a quick peck on the lips before she left but it might have been more my prompting than hers.
I am more depressed now then I was before. I truly miss her and just wish this whole mess would just come to an end. It scares me when she seems so confident when I am secretly hoping that she is miserable. I know she probably is behind closed doors. I just wish I could get a better read.
Hey, at least I have got my kids for two more nights! (I can hear them arguing now!)
She coulda been fishing for you to have initiated (or pleaded) to say: “Would you like us all to go out on your birthday?”
o.k., I knew it wouldn’t happen anyway.)