My W is leaving tomorrow on Vac w/ OM (Total Romantic Infedility). I'm trying to detach and stay focused, but it is very difficuly, as it will be this weekend. Please, any words of encouragement? (PS, thanks INDY36 Really appreciate success stories)
Hello, I appreciate you posting on my thread and will reply to you here. You will probably not enjoy everything I say, however, you are doing quite well so far and you DO NOT want things to go the way they have for me. It may sound as if things are going well for me, and for the most part they are better, but I have made severe mistakes along the way that have cause my sitch to linger and even to get worse. My inability to be patient, to not confront about the A, and to not express my own hurt, has caused my chances to reunify to actually diminish. I went from having a "very good" chance for W to return to me from when this all started to "very slim chance" at this point now.
First of all, maintain a positive, non-charged attitude with your WAW as much as you can. She does not care about your feelings right now as much as you might think or hope she does. Whenever you express your emotions or pain to her, you sound like a wimp and it is unattractive. You make her feel guilty and she will run away from that. You will probably want her to see "your side" of things however, brother, it does not mean much to her. You will want to "reason" with her, or feel "justified" to express your hurt, but just don't do it with her. Get on here and post for that. And post as much as you can and read as much as you can on the subject.
She is living the fantasy right now of probably having found her soul mate (honeymoon phase of an A) and she will do everything she can in her mind to maintain that feeling. She must, for her own peace of mind and sanity--it would hurt too much for her to admit she might have made a mistake. Eventually & Guaranteed, she WILL see that the grass is not greener. The A will have to run its natural course, hit its own snags, and die its own natural death. It will...guaranteed. No matter how happy she might seem in the meantime, or what she might say, dont believe it. How can you speed up the end of the A? Actually, you really cant...much. You can actually make it last longer, or even to grow stronger by doing the things that I did. So learn from my mistakes please and save yourself some agony.
Give her lots of space. Be her BEST FRIEND, and only say & do things that will Validate her. Praise her, compliment her, make her laugh, and just enjoy the time you have with her. Be confident, pretend (& actually learn) to actually be happy with yourself. What are the other things in your life, other than the R with you wife, that make you happy? Focus on those things.
Don't look for reassurance. She will notice Everything you do, but will probably shoot you down if you seek verbal confirmation that she is "coming around."
Listen to other advice you receive here and BELIEVE & TRUST EVERYTHING in DB BEFORE you make the mess that I did and jeapordize your chance to win your WAW back.
Here's some other books that I would recommend to you:
--Surviving an Affair, Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr.
--Love Busters: Overcoming Habits that destroy romantic love
--The Five Love Languages, How to express heartfelt committment to your mate
--Winning Your Wife Back Beofre Its Too Late, ... Gary Smalley
--Not Just Friends: Protect your relationship from infidelity and heal the truama of betrayal, Shirley Glass.
What you will discover in your reading, at least to me, is that they are all supplemental to what Michelle has done in DB. DB is your marriage-saving bible that you follow and other books give you added knowledge.
This will be the toughest challenge in your life and please do not take my tone personally, but the situation is critical and I only mean to motivate you NOT to make the mistakes that I made. Good luck, God Bless, and drop in anytime.
Gg
GG
"You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them..." The Gambler
So she's gone this last weekend with OM. She sees me on the road this morning and waves and big smile. She calls a little while ago and says,
"After seeing you this morning I realize that I just can't go away with another man for the weekend and keep things the way they are. I think I'm going to go ahead and file."
Me: "Well, if you think that's what you need to do, I understand. It must have been very hard for you to reach that decision."
W-"Are you going to fight me on this?"
Me- “I don't know what the future will hold."
I think my response, or lack thereof, caught her off guard.
Anyway, I am not as upset as I thought I would be. I am still maintaining hope that I can save M. Any suggestions?
I wish I knew more about your sitch because backing off too much can backfire at the same time that pursuing simply does not work.
Sometimes, despite what she says, my W actually wanted me to pursue her, and when I rejected her it made her feel that she might not have meant enough to me. They go back and forth resenting you for bugging them, yet resenting you when you don't give them their space. That's the tricky part. You dont want to come across as Needy, but neither that you totally dont care for them anymore. When SHE comes to you, or reaches out, listen and don't reject. She initiated, at least to me, some type of reassurance from you, take a chance and see what happens, but back off if it offends her.
What you might try is to say in a matter of fact kinda way, not all mushy and emotional, that while you want to work things out and discover together how to fix things, you understand that her feelings are her own and will respect her decision. You want to be there for her and create a new relationship and a new life together, but the choice is hers.
Good luck and I'll check back in on you. You're doing good. GG
GG
"You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them..." The Gambler
Nice response GG, it sort of answers a question I just posted on my thread ("what do I do now? Help!"): How do you let your WAS that you're interested in reconciliation without seeming needy or it becoming a pursuing behavior?
Well, W emailed me today asking for copies of all financial statements, deeds, accounts, etc. It sounds like she is ready to file the Big D on me.
Interesting comment she made though, something about what she fears most in life is "going nowhere always." This to me is bizarre as for the last 11 years we had a strong marriage, a very nice house, good careers, and most importantly, two beautiful and smart children. Going nowhere? Please, somebody tell me when the aliens will return my W to me!
This to me is bizarre as for the last 11 years we had a strong marriage, a very nice house, good careers, and most importantly, two beautiful and smart children. Going nowhere?
Some people develop a problem with stability. They want something exciting, thrilling, they see stability as boring. They see sameness everyday and project it out to the future. Could be she thinks of her friends or mom or someone who was in a "normal" family thing but had regrets about life and is scared about ending up that way. It's not aliens, its the human condition. You're talking details, she's talking feelings.
I just got off the phone w/ my Ks and I ended up speaking with my W. She sounded a little "tipsy" but we had a good fun conversation. She did say that she was still having trouble sleeping, especially, "The more she thinks about you guys." (Kids and me). What do you think???
That Could be a little glimpse of her doubt, but don't let it get you too excited. Remember, if you push too hard, she will get cold feet. I hope to check in next week. Have a good weekend & try to stay busy and have some fun!
Gg
GG
"You got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them..." The Gambler
My W has thrown out interesting bits similar to that one from your wife, but they haven't amounted to any noticeable change in her actions. I work hard to keep from getting spun up about them but it's so hard not too when we're searching for any little glimmer of hope. The most successful way I've found to deal with it is to recognize it as a positive thing, a bean that goes on the positive side of the scale. That allows me to feel good about it. Gotta build up those positive beans to have any chance. But I try to remember that I really have no idea how many other beans are on the positive side and I have a pretty good idea that there's a sizable pile of beans on the negative side. So I shouldn't be too surprised if, overall, I don't see any results from this positive bean (i.e. the scale probably won't move very much).
And I'd also guess that the fact you had a good, fun conversation is a bigger positive bean than her sleeping issues. So keep it up! Especially during times she seems to be slipping away from you.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
