My wife of 11 years moved out 2 mos ago and is actively seeing another man. She and I still communicate somewhat friendly. I am practicing all of Michelle's advice and am hoping others have similar stories in which your marriage was saved. I would like to hear how men handled it, and how women decided to stop and return. (I should add that she has sufferred some major traumas this year, has started drinking heavily, I assume from guilt, and is suffering from other problems as well) Thanks
Keep following Michelle's advice. I too would like to see some success stories in this infidelity section. Best of luck to you and keep posting and reading other posts for some good advice and support. I am pulling for you.
If you continue working on DRing, then you will come out a winner. I saved my M. My H moved out March 20 this year, and a few weeks later I found out he was seeing OW. This past weekend he has come home to work on the relationship and marriage. We have known each other for 10 years, m for 3. We have a D2, and I am expecting in Oct.
It takes alot of patients, and alot of hard work. The best thing you could do is detach, GAL and keep positive. I am a firm believer that the mind is a powerful tool. I use to go to bed everynight thinking about my future with my H, and praying god would give me the strengh to move forward and H the strengh to come home, and it worked.
Be there for your W to validate her feelings. Detaching will allow her the space she needs to figure out what it is she is looking for. Take the chance to work on yourself and to do the 180 that is needed.
My new thread is Marriage Saved under newcomers if your interested in reading my rollercoaster stories.
Keep your chin up! PLW
I saved my marriage and so can you....Its all about positive thinking...
Pipeliners wife, Congratulations and I hope everything works out great! Can you briefly explain "detachment" to me? Is is the same as 180 or does it entail something else? Thanks
Quote: II. Detachment Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them.
Try snooping around this site more. There are really good articles.
To me, detaching was something I could do that allowed me to back off. I was able to freely talk about his little skanky girl without getting emotional. I played it cool. When he called, I was able to back off and be his friend. Again I was able to play it cool. I did have a few backslides and throughout the process I came to a point when I was sick of his BS, and I layed it down.
My H was extremly stressed out from work, as well we have a D just turning 2, and I am due in Oct, so that put more stress on H. When he first left, life at home was rocky. I made it hard for anyone to be near me. My hormones were out of control. As well, my H works away from home all the time. So instead of dealing with me, he left. At the same time he met up with a 22 year old skank. Sorry if the word offends you, it makes me feel better having a nickname for her, although I never use it around H. When I found out about her, I let go of my feelings and gave it too him. I let him know how hurt I was. The next day, I then stopped calling, and I stopped talking to him... Detaching. I allowed if to be all about him, validating how he feels. In some ways, I was a doormat. I knew in the back of my head, that my H wasn't really my H. Aliens had his head. Because the man I married would never have done that to me.
So, I was polite when he called me, and I made sure to not always anwsered the phone. I let him wonder. He dropped close to $6000 on himself through hotels and booze, his truck, whatever. I never said a word. While I was detaching, I was doing a 180, which is change the person I was. The more I had the "I don't care attitude" with him, the more I was seeing him change. A big 180 for me was allowing my mind power to have more confidence. I believe that things happen for a reason, and its up to us to see that reason and act upon it. The more I did that, the more I was positive. I never allowed any energy to be fed to skanky girl, and I acted "as if" I was still married. His R with her never lasted more a week after I found out about it. And since we have been working on our own selves. I see his changes, and he see's mine. We're both scared that this could happen again, so we're taking it one step at a time. When my H does get scared, he tries telling me that he hasn't decied yet what he's doing, if he's going to recommit or not. But then the next second, we're planning a trip to mexico at xmas, and talking about where to buy a house. He told me he'll have his ring on for our friends wedding.
I know that during the DR process I was never to talk about us and our R. There is a time and a place for that convo, but while your spouse is trying to figure things out... never enter into that area.
Sorry, that was more info that what you needed. Just allow yourself to let go of her. That doesn't mean you don't love her, just let go of your sitch. The more you do it, the easier it becomes.
I saved my marriage and so can you....Its all about positive thinking...
Hi pipeliners_wife
Great advice that i need to use myself. One question though...my H seems to be more focused on OW, her wants,needs, what shes doing, feeling, its all about her...how do i get him to focus on me, marriage, our 3 kids? Is GAL which would be a huge 180 for me and detaching what will turn him to face inward towards his family and marriage? My post is trying to deal with OW for 8 months if youd like to read and give me any advice.
Sorry for intruding on your post WAWfighter just had a burning question. Don't know what advice to offer you myself as im new to all of this too. I do know that i've read alot of sitches on here and you can get lots of great advice so i guess my advice is...keep positive and read and ask any questions here cuz we are all going through similar sitches and there's great advice here for all of us. You may even find a WAW that can give you some insite on what turned things around...you just never know but at least coming here lets you feel youre not alone and that others know and understand your feelings which has also helped me tremendously.
Had a great GAL weekend, went to a concert by myself that my W would have gone with me, if we were together! I also made sure she knew I went (in a sly way). When she found out, she was very excited for me. She mentions she is going out of town next weekend, (I don not ask, but I'm sure it's w/ OM). I am following all DB rules, but, how do you deal with this?!? I'ts killing me.
Quote: I am following all DB rules, but, how do you deal with this?!? I'ts killing me.
I've taken up heroin. It really makes a great distraction!
Seriously, the GAL helps, posting helps, thought-stopping helps. And sometimes, shi**y as it is, you gotta wade through the ugly feelings. Cry, vent, go into a fetal position. Just don't do it where WAS can see, and pull yourself out of it. Set a time limit on self-pity. And reward yourself. Make yourself a list of rewards. It sounds lame, but when you're feeling really low, it's hard to remember what makes you happy and having a list for reference actually can be useful.
I did most of what you said this afternoon, (all except the heroin part). Cried, screamed, fetal pos! My dog thinks I'm nuts. Thank God I at least have him in the house! I hate Sundays when I don't have my kids, and my W as well, come to think of it.
