Unfaithful wife

[Pipeliners_wife]

II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them.

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To me, detaching was something I could do that allowed me to back off. I was able to freely talk about his little skanky girl without getting emotional. I played it cool. When he called, I was able to back off and be his friend. Again I was able to play it cool. I did have a few backslides and throughout the process I came to a point when I was sick of his BS, and I layed it down.

My H was extremly stressed out from work, as well we have a D just turning 2, and I am due in Oct, so that put more stress on H. When he first left, life at home was rocky. I made it hard for anyone to be near me. My hormones were out of control. As well, my H works away from home all the time. So instead of dealing with me, he left. At the same time he met up with a 22 year old skank. Sorry if the word offends you, it makes me feel better having a nickname for her, although I never use it around H. When I found out about her, I let go of my feelings and gave it too him. I let him know how hurt I was. The next day, I then stopped calling, and I stopped talking to him... Detaching. I allowed if to be all about him, validating how he feels. In some ways, I was a doormat. I knew in the back of my head, that my H wasn't really my H. Aliens had his head. Because the man I married would never have done that to me.

So, I was polite when he called me, and I made sure to not always anwsered the phone. I let him wonder. He dropped close to $6000 on himself through hotels and booze, his truck, whatever. I never said a word. While I was detaching, I was doing a 180, which is change the person I was. The more I had the "I don't care attitude" with him, the more I was seeing him change. A big 180 for me was allowing my mind power to have more confidence. I believe that things happen for a reason, and its up to us to see that reason and act upon it. The more I did that, the more I was positive. I never allowed any energy to be fed to skanky girl, and I acted "as if" I was still married. His R with her never lasted more a week after I found out about it. And since we have been working on our own selves. I see his changes, and he see's mine. We're both scared that this could happen again, so we're taking it one step at a time. When my H does get scared, he tries telling me that he hasn't decied yet what he's doing, if he's going to recommit or not. But then the next second, we're planning a trip to mexico at xmas, and talking about where to buy a house. He told me he'll have his ring on for our friends wedding.

I know that during the DR process I was never to talk about us and our R. There is a time and a place for that convo, but while your spouse is trying to figure things out... never enter into that area.

Sorry, that was more info that what you needed. Just allow yourself to let go of her. That doesn't mean you don't love her, just let go of your sitch. The more you do it, the easier it becomes.