Guys, you are the best. I feel uplifted from the very deep slump I was in just an hour ago.
Its been a very difficult day, with two extremely irate clients who just would not agree to any of the recovery proposals we were putting before them. Most of the time my job is fabulous, but every now and then, I am stuck with cleaning up rubbish, and I feel after 4 years of doing this I want something better. The past 2 times I seriously thought of packing my job in, I 'allowed' NG to persuade me to stay on. He is on the same track again, putting many obstacles on the way, so that I lose some of my courage to quit. Part of my angst about the R with NG is a reflection of feeling trapped in my job, I'm sure. This funk will be fixed only when I am able to handle my job situation with a firm view of what is good for me, I reckon
Slowly, if you had to write your epitaph, what would you want it to say?
Bets - what a fabulous notion to focus on! And yes, my perspective here has changed dramatically since dbing - it used to be 'she was NG's wife and made him happy' - yuck - I really saw myself as a reflection, no, I let myself be defined by the relationship I was in. Therein lies the problem - my self esteem was so low that I could not define myself in any other way - or chose not to. These days, I'm happy with 'she brought joy' which suits me much better Which means I should likewise focus on the joy that others bring to me, right?
It's why I recommended Debbie Ford's book on The Secret of the Shadow awhile back
I know what my Xmas reading is going to be - 'tis on order
3 years later we haven't had the big "sit down" though even now, I get bits and pieces from h (sporadically, interspersed with other stuff). It would be my model to strip clean, rake over the coals, peer at and thoroughly examine what happened, why, how to keep it from happening again, etc, but for my h, his review is internal, quiet, maybe less overt than I would like to be sure but still there. And, yah, I think it takes weeks when for me it would take hours but that's how he's wired.
Sage, this is SUCH a big part of my struggle, and kudos to you for managing to live with it. Like you, I get bits and pieces buried in everything else. Honestly, 99% of the time I'm more than fine. Its when something (like not being supported to leave a crappy job) triggers the frustrations that the old bad stuff comes out. How do I just throw away the bad photos?
The odd thing is I feel more loved now that he isn't saying it than I did when he was!!! It forced him to show how he feels as he can't just use words.
Pink, its the same here too! In fact, assignment to self, make a list of the positives, and what is better than before, because there are so many! I need to focus on what is working, as so many of you have gently pointed out
I choose to be Happy (rather than be Right).Make sense?
Martha - this makes sooo much sense, and I will keep remembering this. The next few days will be trying, I still have to close these wayward projects, and the thought that this could be the last time I have to go on this cleaning trip keeps me going. I will no longer discuss my job options with NG, because for whatever reason, he is determined that I will stay with this company. Can I say I feel unvalidated? But I will focus on the things that are working for us, which thankfully are many.
Which means I should likewise focus on the joy that others bring to me, right? 
