Cultivating The Talent

[sage]

Hi Slowly,

I see myself hugging a constant reminder of an awakening, an experience that I am still trying to work through. If I let go of the 'compelling event' i.e. being lied to, then my future growth will have to be based on my own motivations, not an external trigger of being lied to by someone I had put way too much trust in.

This is an interesting and actually pretty positive way of using the "event" -- iow, viewing it as a reminder for growth and awakening or for continuing work, well, if it's truly spread with a positive-only approach. But that's hard to do, right? Even when we most tenaciously cling to the "event as awakening" motto, it's hard to get away from the "oh, and btw, you did this to ME", right? IOW, it still gets overloaded with not only the "here's my springboard and reminder to myself to pay attention" but also the "and don't forget this was your doing". (I'm totally speaking of myself here so don't take this as a judgement).

I also know for me that while "remembering" provides impetus to continue growing, it also feels like a "safety net" to me (falsely) a la "if I remember what you did then I'll never be caught off guard again". It's a toughie because you don't want to lose the "lesson" but at the same time, there IS no safety net with remembering. No safety net at all, fortunately or unfortunately.

Am I taking a risk that there will be other promises he will break?

Well, yes indeed you are.

The fact that he will not sit down, and talk through what the affair means to him, now with hindsight, the fact that he still seems to want to just brush the whole 12 months under the rug, makes me very nervous that there is still work to be done here, and I can only do so much by myself.

Well you KNOW I can relate to this...3 years later we haven't had the big "sit down" though even now, I get bits and pieces from h (sporadically, interspersed with other stuff). It would be my model to strip clean, rake over the coals, peer at and thoroughly examine what happened, why, how to keep it from happening again, etc, but for my h, his review is internal, quiet, maybe less overt than I would like to be sure but still there. And, yah, I think it takes weeks when for me it would take hours but that's how he's wired.

I know how hard it is to give up the dream of "the talk" and I wouldn't encourage you to abandon it entirely but to focus maybe instead on smaller signs of life...you know?

I can't recall who it was that posted it but the "what WOULD it say if it happened again...nothing about you, all about him" is something I hold onto frequently....my own way of stating it (in reminding myself) is that I am truly not in control of nor responsible for h's fidelity...not now, not ever. It's not always instantly comforting but upon reflection, it can be liberating.

Sage