Can I just say that my life as defined by work obligations is now completely out of control? Seriously, I've been thinking it may be time to pack the current job in
Fortunately, NG and I are doing well. He came back from a business trip early last week, and was very chatty about his clients and colleagues - a complete contrast to 3 years ago when he would have nothing to say! I am enjoying the new level of communications
My goal for this week is to continue to focus on the things that are important to me, to ask NG for help when I am struggling, and to detach a little more from the dramas at work.
And so another week goes by, but what a week! I was asked to cover a project in Prague that is going haywire, and would you believe it, NG managed to get his work juggled a bit so he could come out and work from the hotel room And while we have been here, he has been getting calls from headhunters at home, so when we get back, some interesting interviews in store.
In his own way, he is going out of his way to show love. I don't think I will ever be completely settled, thoughts of his betrayal still intrude, and in many ways it was not as much the realtionship with ow, but the lies that still bother me. They don't cloud my days, but they are just there, you know.
Quote: in many ways it was not as much the realtionship with ow, but the lies that still bother me. They don't cloud my days, but they are just there, you know.
I was just talking about this the other day. How do we get past this???
This is a bad weekend for me, It was 10 years ago..this weekend that H and I split up for a short period. I think I've written the history to the story before but just to recap, he had come out of the army and was struggling to settle..On the night in question (ten yeas ago Saturday...)I was getting ready to go to work - nights I am a nurse) He was getting ready to go out. There was soemthing different something strange about him, I knew something ws up. He dropped me off at work, I memorised how many miles were on the car and left happily for work. He picked me up the next day. I knew by looking at him he'd not been home, I noticed that there were a lot of miles on the clock and when we got home it was clear the bed had not been slept in. I accused him of going to the area he worked in and meeting a girl. (A collegue had sent him a card with a very ambiguous sounding message in..) So anyway he left, walked out and that was that. So he met someone a few weeks later..i did also. Not a problem. Some monthes later we got back together, I got over my anxiety of the other girl I knew all I needed to know. To this day I don't struggle with the fact that he had a R with someone but what does nag at me especially round this time of year is that he is still sticking to the story that although he did go to the area he worked in he was not having an afair and he did not go to meet a girl. I don't believe him. I've tried telling him that, this just doesnt make sense to me. It would be easier if he just said YES I was having an affair at least all the pieces would fit then. Why a lie worries me more than the actual R I don't know.
What is it about lies that get to us? Is it because we feel foolish for being taken in? stupid for trusting I don't know but what I do know is this.
I have also lied to H. Whilst we were split up I had a R with my X. If my H found out even now he would be gutted. He hates this guy. So why don't I tell him? After all this is what I would like him to do for me... The reason I don't tell him is that I don't want to hurt him. Whilst I have this 'secret' it is only me that feels let down by me. If he found out we would both feel let down by me. It would be easier to tell him. I would not have that little worry that he may find out one day, my conscience would be clear...but at what price? My H would be devistated..maybe thats why they lie? maybe they feel bad enough about themselves already; they face disapontment when they look in the mirror everyday, they don't want to see it reflected in our eyes too. Maybe it's to protect us, because they care. I just don't know.
I wonder if the important thing is accepting that we may never know what happened and forgiving them for caring so much about us that they can't tell us or for being such cowards that they can't own up to what they have done but whatever way you look at it; there isn't a person on this board that hasn't at some times in their life lied. What would it be like for us if everyone we had lied to held it against us and never moved on from it.
many years ago I told H a lie, I tod him I was going somewhere when I was going somewhere diferent. I just didn't want him to know what I was doing at that time. Someone told him they had seen me and I lied to his face looking him straight in the eyes. He just accepted what I said and whether he believed me or not did not question me further. I was so relieved and grateful that he didn't humiliate me any more by demanding the truth. I had lied; he knew I had lied; I knew, he knew I had lied; that was enough. He never raised it again and do you know what, I didn't think hey he's a fool because I got one over on him, I thought what a wonderful quality that was in him to let it go. There are many way I wish I could be more like him
So my point is this Slowly, he lied..to protect himself and also to protect you. His R with OW was built on a heap of lies. I'm sure he lied to her as well. What can you do about it? Not a lot, you can't control someone elses actions. All you can do is lead by example and show him how good it feels when someone opens up and risks all by being honest with you and try not to condem him and be angry with him when he does open up to you and tell you stuff you may not want to hear. (I have a lot of work to do on this myself!)
in many ways it was not as much the realtionship with ow, but the lies that still bother me. They don't cloud my days, but they are just there, you know.
I was just talking about this the other day. How do we get past this???
I don't have too much time here, so my questions will be brief (and pointed). (Getting out the velvet-covered 2x4...)
I think we need to ask ourselves what we are getting out of this by hanging on. What do you get out hanging on to the fact that your H/WAS lied to you? There must be some pay-off or you wouldn't still be hanging on to it, would you?
Furthermore, I'm hearing a lot of "victim" mentality in some of these statements. Haven't we each come too far to think of ourselves as victims any longer?
My two cents, fwiw. I think we hang on to this stuff b/c it gives us power. It gives us a stick we can still drag out at some future time and say, "See! Look at what you did to me? You LIED to me!"
At least I know that's what I got out of hanging onto stuff with SO. And I know it's what my sister got out of hanging onto to stuff too. She used to drag out "sticks" that were 10 years old or older and whack me over the head with them when I'd least expect it.
Again, my .02 fwiw, from my own humble (and humbling) experiences.
I see what you're saying, Martha. I guess I was thinking more along the lines of forgiveness or getting over it and moving on. But what you say still applies: why should we rely on that pain to give us power? It isn't a very powerful source in itself. I have to process this a little more.
amd, Pink, Martha - I've been carrying around your feedback for a day now, trying to work through why is it that this is still important to me.
There must be some pay-off or you wouldn't still be hanging on to it, would you?
Honestly, nothing came to mind immediately. But the more I thought about it, the more the question made sense. There is work and growth here. I look back at the whole 23 year relationship, and see it now with a sense of detachment. Its like it happened to someone else, someone who was only half awake about what it meant to be in a relationship. To some extent, it was too good to be true, and I suppose with hindsight, I can now say, it was because we were both, or at least I was, going through the motions. I see myself hugging a constant reminder of an awakening, an experience that I am still trying to work through. If I let go of the 'compelling event' i.e. being lied to, then my future growth will have to be based on my own motivations, not an external trigger of being lied to by someone I had put way too much trust in.
See! Look at what you did to me? You lied to ME
I've changed the emphasis a little here. I know we all lie, little white lies, some whopping ommisions, sometimes because it is easier. But this is the person who promised never to lie to me. So how deep is his love? Am I taking a risk that there will be other promises he will break? The fact that he will not sit down, and talk through what the affair means to him, now with hindsight, the fact that he still seems to want to just brush the whole 12 months under the rug, makes me very nervous that there is still work to be done here, and I can only do so much by myself.
So maybe that niggling in your mind--those intruding thoughts--is there because you know there is still work to do? I'm not anywhere near where you are now, that's why I ask. Trying to get a glimpse down the road...
Maybe the answer for you and me both is TIME. Giving our H's the time they need to process through their own issues (shame, guilt, whatever). Sigh.
Honestly, I really do understand the whole betrayal thing. I know how absolutely devastating, to the absolute core, that can be. I've been on both ends, so I am well aware of the damage it causes. I hope you didn't think that, b/c of my post, that I didn't get it.
I think the point I'm trying to make has to do with detaching yourself from H's actions. So, okay, let's consider worst-case-scenario here. He lies to you again. He cheats on you again. He breaks a major promise.
What does that mean for you? What do you lose? I propose that YOU lose nothing. If H chooses to do these things again, it speaks volumes about where he is, and the work he needs to do. But does it at all detract from the work you have done on/with/for yourself? I propose that it does not. It takes nothing away from you.
Trust. Love. Forgiveness. Deceit. Unfaithfulness. Dishonor. These are all choices we are free to make. You know the type of choices you are capable of making. Can we ever really know the type of choices others are capable of making? I'm not certain. But I know the choices I am capable of making. I choose the high road. I choose Love. I choose Forgiveness. I choose to be Happy (rather than be Right).
I look back at the whole 23 year relationship, and see it now with a sense of detachment. Its like it happened to someone else, someone who was only half awake about what it meant to be in a relationship.
I have thought this too. I was not a whole person. I let so much of myself slip away. I gave up so much of myself. The best parts of myself were gone, hidden. I was a mom first and foremost. The girl, the wife, the sexpot---they were all put away. Heck, they were the fun parts. I was reborn after I got over the initial shock. Like a phoenix from the ashes....ok, two glasses of wine and late at night I get sappy...
I love you man, er...I mean girls!
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
