This is a bad weekend for me, It was 10 years ago..this weekend that H and I split up for a short period. I think I've written the history to the story before but just to recap, he had come out of the army and was struggling to settle..On the night in question (ten yeas ago Saturday...)I was getting ready to go to work - nights I am a nurse) He was getting ready to go out. There was soemthing different something strange about him, I knew something ws up. He dropped me off at work, I memorised how many miles were on the car and left happily for work. He picked me up the next day. I knew by looking at him he'd not been home, I noticed that there were a lot of miles on the clock and when we got home it was clear the bed had not been slept in. I accused him of going to the area he worked in and meeting a girl. (A collegue had sent him a card with a very ambiguous sounding message in..) So anyway he left, walked out and that was that. So he met someone a few weeks later..i did also. Not a problem. Some monthes later we got back together, I got over my anxiety of the other girl I knew all I needed to know. To this day I don't struggle with the fact that he had a R with someone but what does nag at me especially round this time of year is that he is still sticking to the story that although he did go to the area he worked in he was not having an afair and he did not go to meet a girl. I don't believe him. I've tried telling him that, this just doesnt make sense to me. It would be easier if he just said YES I was having an affair at least all the pieces would fit then. Why a lie worries me more than the actual R I don't know.
What is it about lies that get to us? Is it because we feel foolish for being taken in? stupid for trusting I don't know but what I do know is this.
I have also lied to H. Whilst we were split up I had a R with my X. If my H found out even now he would be gutted. He hates this guy. So why don't I tell him? After all this is what I would like him to do for me... The reason I don't tell him is that I don't want to hurt him. Whilst I have this 'secret' it is only me that feels let down by me. If he found out we would both feel let down by me. It would be easier to tell him. I would not have that little worry that he may find out one day, my conscience would be clear...but at what price? My H would be devistated..maybe thats why they lie? maybe they feel bad enough about themselves already; they face disapontment when they look in the mirror everyday, they don't want to see it reflected in our eyes too. Maybe it's to protect us, because they care. I just don't know.
I wonder if the important thing is accepting that we may never know what happened and forgiving them for caring so much about us that they can't tell us or for being such cowards that they can't own up to what they have done but whatever way you look at it; there isn't a person on this board that hasn't at some times in their life lied. What would it be like for us if everyone we had lied to held it against us and never moved on from it.
many years ago I told H a lie, I tod him I was going somewhere when I was going somewhere diferent. I just didn't want him to know what I was doing at that time. Someone told him they had seen me and I lied to his face looking him straight in the eyes. He just accepted what I said and whether he believed me or not did not question me further. I was so relieved and grateful that he didn't humiliate me any more by demanding the truth. I had lied; he knew I had lied; I knew, he knew I had lied; that was enough. He never raised it again and do you know what, I didn't think hey he's a fool because I got one over on him, I thought what a wonderful quality that was in him to let it go. There are many way I wish I could be more like him
So my point is this Slowly, he lied..to protect himself and also to protect you. His R with OW was built on a heap of lies. I'm sure he lied to her as well. What can you do about it? Not a lot, you can't control someone elses actions. All you can do is lead by example and show him how good it feels when someone opens up and risks all by being honest with you and try not to condem him and be angry with him when he does open up to you and tell you stuff you may not want to hear. (I have a lot of work to do on this myself!)
