Happy Friday everyone Another week seems to have just rushed by. NG is off on travels next week, and his trip co-incides with a bunch of business meetings in town for me, so for a change things have worked out very well.

In some ways, I think I respect NG for not asking for forgiveness. Its like he is taking a chance that I will or I won't based on my own judgement, not because he is asking me to. At least for now, I'm OK with it. Its my own feelings that I struggle to come to terms with. I recall a post Ellie made a while back that just resonated so hard I had to shut off for a while.
Quote:

I mean, I know how uncomfortable it can be, day in and day out, risking intimacy and being vulnerable with a spouse who has inexplicably wounded you so badly.


Yup. Its the old story of how could someone profess to care and yet be so hurtful. And in my really bad moments, I wonder how he could continue to be hurtful by not doing the hard work necessary to understand why this happened in the first place. Consigning it as 'one of those things' to me seems like he just wants to take the easy way out

Quote:

And I know what it is like, even on a good day, to have the words "I want a divorce" pop unexpectedly into your head.


Yeah, and more often I wonder why I did not do it when I first found out, what a cheeseless tunnel, but its still there, rearing its head when I least expect it.

Quote:

And I know what it is like to wish, just a little bit, that your spouse could experience the horrible pain of finding you in an affair, if only so they would understand what kind of pain they inflicted on you.


Uh huh. I doubt he has any idea just how painful it has been, still is sometimes. And I cannot help feeling that if he knew, maybe just maybe, he would take more care and communicate more openly.

Quote:

And I know what it is like to look at the opposite sex with a new-found sense of possibility - where what once was unthinkable now enters your mind, because your spouse did it.


And darn it, I feel guilty for even thinking this, but there you have it. I am suddenly more aware of the interested glances, the passes, and yes, sometimes, I'm sure if things at home do not change, I just might 'go with the flow'.

Does any of this help me move closer to my goals? Nope, but hey, I feel better for expressing them here, and not to NG And then I remind myself that staying in the R is a choice I made, because NG is still the person I want to spend my time with. I just need to keep working on myslef to get over these sporadic moments.

Slowly

A Liberal Allowance of Time