Cultivating The Talent

[slowly]

Today I'm thanking my lucky stars again that you are all at the right place at the right time for me Or do I mean I am at the right place

Way back a year or so ago, when I was ready to pack it in, you all came along and showed me how to have faith in the dbing process. And here we are, with a line that has just realigned my thinking again - thanks Betsey

N reminds me (at least 1000 times a year) that forgiveness is a process. And just when you think something is completely behind you, something pops back on your screen to let you know you're not finished.

Duh. I don't know why I've been carrying around this notion that forgiveness is a destination I will arrive at, and of course it is not. Dbing is a process, so then will its components be, no? And yes, just as I think I'm letting go, and something new, unexpected happens, and I feel residual resentment surfacing. Ugh. How do I know this is a process for me too? The associated pain and anger is less than it used to be, even 3 months ago. So its up to me to settle down, expect the process to take as long as it takes, and expect to be surprised every now and then.

Do I want to do anything to accelerate this process? If I was in constant anguish, probably I would. But given that 98% of the time I am happier than I recall being, it is probably wise to let this unfold as it will.

Slowly

[pink]

I find it quite scary to forgive. If someone does something to upset me there is a part of me that says by forgiving them it means I am saying it's Ok for you to mistreat me..


On the other hand it's an amazing feeling to be forgiven.....It shows that someone values you enough to overlook your behaviour and trust you again.

The logical part of me knows that in forgiving others I am in fact making life easier and better for me. I am less stressed and angry. I don't feel my blood pressure rise when I think of them.


Some very confused and conflicting thoughts here.

Something I need to ponder on more I think!

Pink

[Underdog]

Pink (Slowly, gonna jump in for a sec),

there is a part of me that says by forgiving them it means I am saying it's Ok for you to mistreat me..

Not really. If we consider that there are always consequences to bear for our thoughts, words and actions, this is not true. We are responsible for our own consequences and everyone else theirs.

Forgiveness means erasing the debt. Not superficially (saying the words does not constitute the truth of the actions) and before you're ready. I think it helps me to ask myself, "Did that person deliberately set out to hurt me? Or was the hurt that I felt a result of action they took without considering me?"

It's most often the latter, and I find it much easier to use the opportunity to teach and learn. They are still accountable for their sins... just not to me.

Make sense?

How ya doing today, Slowly?

Betsey

[Dmsw4]

When H told me last week he was sorry...I told him he was forgiven. Not, "That's OK" or "don't worry about it." I meant, I forgive you, but you are not going to do it again. I forgive you, but you will not have the chance to hurt me this way again.

I know this doesn't work for reconcilliation, but it released me from some of the cruddiness I was feeling. I almost felt like, H could not have prevented it, it's just the way he is....weird huh? It was like trying to blame a cat for having wiskers, he's just made that way.

So, I forgave him for the affair, but I also realized that I have to start holding him accountable for his actions as they impact the kids...but that would be a hijack here, so...

[amd]

Maybe releasing yourself from those feelings is more important right now than reconciliation. Can someone really reconcile when they feel cruddy?

[Dmsw4]

True.

[slowly]

Happy Friday everyone Another week seems to have just rushed by. NG is off on travels next week, and his trip co-incides with a bunch of business meetings in town for me, so for a change things have worked out very well.

In some ways, I think I respect NG for not asking for forgiveness. Its like he is taking a chance that I will or I won't based on my own judgement, not because he is asking me to. At least for now, I'm OK with it. Its my own feelings that I struggle to come to terms with. I recall a post Ellie made a while back that just resonated so hard I had to shut off for a while.

I mean, I know how uncomfortable it can be, day in and day out, risking intimacy and being vulnerable with a spouse who has inexplicably wounded you so badly.

Yup. Its the old story of how could someone profess to care and yet be so hurtful. And in my really bad moments, I wonder how he could continue to be hurtful by not doing the hard work necessary to understand why this happened in the first place. Consigning it as 'one of those things' to me seems like he just wants to take the easy way out

And I know what it is like, even on a good day, to have the words "I want a divorce" pop unexpectedly into your head.

Yeah, and more often I wonder why I did not do it when I first found out, what a cheeseless tunnel, but its still there, rearing its head when I least expect it.

And I know what it is like to wish, just a little bit, that your spouse could experience the horrible pain of finding you in an affair, if only so they would understand what kind of pain they inflicted on you.

Uh huh. I doubt he has any idea just how painful it has been, still is sometimes. And I cannot help feeling that if he knew, maybe just maybe, he would take more care and communicate more openly.

And I know what it is like to look at the opposite sex with a new-found sense of possibility - where what once was unthinkable now enters your mind, because your spouse did it.

And darn it, I feel guilty for even thinking this, but there you have it. I am suddenly more aware of the interested glances, the passes, and yes, sometimes, I'm sure if things at home do not change, I just might 'go with the flow'.

Does any of this help me move closer to my goals? Nope, but hey, I feel better for expressing them here, and not to NG And then I remind myself that staying in the R is a choice I made, because NG is still the person I want to spend my time with. I just need to keep working on myslef to get over these sporadic moments.

Slowly

[pink]

Hi Slowly.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You have touched on some things that I struggle with.

Like you I struggle with the fact that my H doesn't see the need to 'work' on things to improve it. Guys tend to leave it to the females to do the fixing in relationships. I wonder if they even notice there is a problem. In my own situation, things got so bad for me that I asked H to moveout...he was genuinely shocked, he thought everything was just fine.. Truely! I have in the past got self help books and underlined the bits I want him to digest. I think he saw this as me critising him; he never read them. My only consolation is that I can't force him to change, only my own behaviour and that will only serve to improve things for me in this or future relationships. He'll be the same old ..same old LOL. (Although to his defence he has made some changes but I worry they are only surface changes...time will tel )

Re; the spouse feeling the pain of an affair...I don't think my H experienced a fraction of the painI did when we split up. He hasonly a small part of his life invested in our R. He has work, work friends, the children, his family, hobbies...etc etc...and what often felt like at the bottom of a very lonmg list; me. He promises me I am not at the bottom of his list, but if that's what it felt like; and it did, it's not nice. I on the other hand have the boys and him. No hobbies to speak of, friends have families of their own and I do feel quite isolated and dependant sometimes. So what I am saying is (IMHO) women invest much more in R than men do. (please don't shoot me down in flames guys...)

Like you I chose to get the R back together again and am pleased to find that I am not the only one who has 'down' moments, when I question what I am doing trying to salvage the R.

I think I have fallen off my DBer bandwagon lately. I wonder if it is a hormone thing; I was feeling sooo good and now for the last couple of days it has been hard to feel possitive.

I am escaping for a couple of hours tonight so hopefully that will recharge my batteries. I will try to post more possitively next time

Hope you are well and thanks once again for sharing your thoughts.

Pink

[Heart2Heart]

Hi Slowly!

I can relate to what both you & Pink say - and sometimes question if it will always be so much "work." On the other hand, when I am feeling more positive, more generous, I can see that SO has in fact changed a fair bit - he has responded to changes in me - he has grown & opened up a bit more. But I often miss those changes because they don't look 'obvious' or like my changes.

I also find that once he gets comfortable with a new pattern or change, I have to be the first to dip my toe into the next level. I do think that he still perfers comfort, the known, over daring to risk another level of vulnerability and change. But if I'm willing to take the risk first, he often follows - not always, but often...

I think reminding ourselves that we are here by choice is a good way of keeping our focus on improvement, not resentment. And reminding ourselves to be open to see changes expressed in different ways is also helpful. I see myself often getting stuck with expectations of how he 'should' respond, change, behave - and it usually doesn't work!

Hugs,
-H2H

[amd]

You are all so wise. I wish you lived next door to me, but this BB is the next best thing. I know people say this all the time, but I want to say it again: Thank you for sharing your insights.