Hi SP - Thanks for the well wishes NG and I seem to be getting closer, despite some residual underlying currents that pop up every now and then. Monday's early start was a huge success, we managed to clear work and then go have some fun. So we are doing the same today. It is well before the crack of dawn here, and we are both up, communing with our respective laptops
We watched Batman Begins again last night, and found many of the philosophical musings resomated with us. In particular, the line Rachel throws out "Its not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you" I think NG finds solace in the fact that he did not actually physically leave our relationship, and for me, I find this such a validation of dbing - we watch for actions, right?
We have been without a phone line for 4 days, the engineers have just been and fixed the problem. It has been a useful time of reflection, and I now know that for me, the way out of these little ruts I get into is to have a set of small goals that I can monitor progress against. NG and I have been slipping back into 'bad' habits, and we need to stop taking each other for granted. So, for now, my goals are:
+ re-start my exercise routine - two sets of 15 minutes every day + pull a mystery on NG - make him sit back and wonder a little + keep a journal here as best I can
Hi Betsey and Pink - Thanks for keeping this thread current, I cannot believe it has been a week already Just so much going on with NG, both our families, work, sigh. But, I think I've carved out an hour or so for me, and am looking forward to fruitful contemplation. My mind keeps going back to Betsey's post a few hours ago over at gjuggle
Quote: G, I know your LL is physical touch. But take it from one who enjoys touching but whose LL is QT... I could (and would) go forever without initiating touch with someone if I thought they were not in love with me or themselves.
Well, this is NG to a T. He finds it impossible to initiate any contact until I show by QT or words that it is welcome. Sometimes it makes me feel like the effort is one way, but then in my saner moments I know he shows his feelings in other, more quiet or sustained ways. Things he thinks mean more. Like standing up for me, against any and every one.
Back to me ole' goals.
+ re-start my exercise routine - two sets of 15 minutes every day I'm so pleased at being able to do this. There is more than just exercise here. Both NG and I have been on a de-tox program, and feel wonderful. Its a homeopathic deal, and seems to have cleared up long term minor niggles liked a slightly blocked noses, tightness around the lower back. So the exercise is really the starting place for a larger program of good maintenance. Yoga once a week is something we do together. Next to be tackled is aerobic capacity, which I'm woefully weak on. Just the thought makes me shudder, so I'll leave this goal as it is for now.
+ pull a mystery on NG - make him sit back and wonder a little Well, 180s still seem to be the best. Last Sunday, I started cleaning out my make-up box. Usually I'd talk about doing something like that for weeks before actually doing it. This time I just took myself off to a quite place in the spare room and gave the darned thing an out of season spring clean. NG was full of questions as to why I was doing it, why now, etc etc Hmmm. A little one, yesterday after he came back from work I took the car down to the shops. Nothing major, but got his attention, complete with questions over dinner.
Help me guys with ideas for something more interesting?
+ keep a journal here as best I can well, I think about dbing everyday, and visit more often than I post. I must confess to feeling like my time has been hijacked by everyone else, and goal for next week is to regain some control
More journaling. Three weeks ago NG and I had a wee bit of a row, and I asked if he was still in contact with ow, to which he responded that even if he was it was none of my business. Which he retracted later, but like a serpent, the thought is now in my mind and slithers around uncomfortably. I wonder if he was confessing to something when his guard was down? Oh what a cheeseless tunnel, but there you have it. Do these doubts ecver go away?
Hi Slowly, I was just lurking and reading through your thread, wanted to say "Hi", and tell you that I check in on you often, even though I don't post much. I guess I don't post much because I feel so close to the same spot in my sitch, that I don't know what to say. For example, your closing comment really hit the nail on the head for me:
Quote: Do these doubts ecver go away?
I've been struggling with the same stuff.., and all I know is they go away very very slowly if they do. Funny, we watched batman begins last weekend, and I found the same, that many of the philosphical musings resonated with me.
I've had to steal your moniker in all aspects of my life this week... hope you don't mind! (I'm still moving slowly too, btw.)
Quote: Well, this is NG to a T. He finds it impossible to initiate any contact until I show by QT or words that it is welcome. Sometimes it makes me feel like the effort is one way, but then in my saner moments I know he shows his feelings in other, more quiet or sustained ways. Things he thinks mean more. Like standing up for me, against any and every one
Sigh. This really is me too. Can you accept that for now?
Quote: More journaling. Three weeks ago NG and I had a wee bit of a row, and I asked if he was still in contact with ow, to which he responded that even if he was it was none of my business. Which he retracted later, but like a serpent, the thought is now in my mind and slithers around uncomfortably. I wonder if he was confessing to something when his guard was down? Oh what a cheeseless tunnel, but there you have it. Do these doubts ecver go away?
Friend, my adopted mom would tell me something I'll tell to you--because I've found it completely true in my own life. And I, too, have moments where I verbalize my lack of faith in others--and I know it hurts them horribly. But not as much as it hurts me. Because it's then that I realize I have to crawl right back up on the forgiveness wagon and start all over again.
N reminds me (at least 1000 times a year) that forgiveness is a process. And just when you think something is completely behind you, something pops back on your screen to let you know you're not finished.
My guess is that you've learned from this experience, no? How does this make you feel? And how do you suppose NG feels? I think the 2 of you can make some terrific progress if you decide to talk it out.
It's progress, Slowly. It really is.
Hope you have a great weekend, and hugs to you.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
We have been without a phone line for 4 days, the engineers have just been and fixed the problem. It has been a useful time of reflection, and I now know that for me, the way out of these little ruts I get into is to have a set of small goals that I can monitor progress against. NG and I have been slipping back into 'bad' habits, and we need to stop taking each other for granted. So, for now, my goals are:
+ re-start my exercise routine - two sets of 15 minutes every day + pull a mystery on NG - make him sit back and wonder a little + keep a journal here as best I can
Slowly
I am with you on this! It is SO easy to slip into bad habbits. Thats one of the reasons that I am so keen on DBing; so that I can be more aware of my R and nip the regressions in the bud.
Like you I have started exercising - BUT I have not told H. I have been training with the boys (sons 9) Most dry days and doing some weights and keep fit stuff indoors on the wet days. He has actually noticed a trimmer me; so thats all good!
I love the mystery agenda. I have a couple going on right now. I have party marked on my calender for December. It is something to do with the children but...he doesn't know that He is well curious! He'll probably laugh when he finds out though!!
** Note to self must get a life so I get an invite to a *real* party!! LOL
Other stuff includes: Buying a different perfume. New underwear. Even down to a different type of milk makes my H look at me curiously!! What else.... Going out in the evening alone or with a friend. (I haven't done that yet.)although I am going to the theatre tonight with friends.
Sitting next to H; we usually sit in separate chairs and lately I have perched myself on the arm of his chair for a few moments.
I am looking for some inspiration myself actually for some other mysetry thingsto do..
I like your goals post and it is motivating to me. I am stuck on what 180s, etc. to do at the moment.
Hope your work isn't too crazy right now and you & NG can spend some QT together
Bye, SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
NG and I seem to be getting closer, despite some residual underlying currents that pop up every now and then. Monday's early start was a huge success, we managed to clear work and then go have some fun. So we are doing the same today. It is well before the crack of dawn here, and we are both up, communing with our respective laptops 
Just so much going on with NG, both our families, work, sigh. But, I think I've carved out an hour or so for me, and am looking forward to fruitful contemplation. My mind keeps going back to Betsey's post a few hours ago over at gjuggle 
He is well curious! He'll probably laugh when he finds out though!! 