Hello everyone - It seems like weekends are the only time I get to reflect on how NG and I are doing. We have both been quite rushed at work, though we are finding time and energy to do fun things together Tonight we head off to a friend's palce for his retirement party, which we have been looking forward to as many friends we have not seen in a long time will be there.
We had a couple of potentially tense moments during the week, but we managed to deflect them through both of us communicating differently these days. I'm constantly amazed at just how little sustained change it takes to alter the dynamics of a relationship.
Hi Slowly - Just stopping by to say I'm glad to read that you & NG are doing well and managing to spend QT together despite your busy work schedules. That is my primary LL and many times I feel my tank depleted with my Hs constant working.
I'd be interested to know what methods of new communication you both are using these days that seems to be working so well. I could use a nudge in that direction.
Don't work too hard over there
Take Care, SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Happy Monday everyone Well, today I really do not feel like starting a work week, but figured I should fake being happy about it and who knows, by lunch I may actually feel OK NG and I continue to muddle through, and every now and then we do something different. Work is hectic for us both, though I am being good about shutting my laptop at 6, and hanging out with friends instead, usually on the phone. Since that strategy, NG too has cut back on the overtime.
We had a major breakthrough this weekend, he actually agreed to paying off a loan, and adding my name as co-owner of an investment. This was a potentially tricky one; back about 10 years ago, it made tax sense to have just his name on the investment. Since the affair, I feel like I need to be more careful, as alien occupation seems to hit even the most level headed of people. NG has been quite sensitive about the 'lack of trust' but I guess I spoke softly, brought it up once every month and dropped the subject immediately after making my point quickly, so he understands I'm serious, but has not been 'nagged' into it. Moving in the right direction, from my perspective.
I still struggle to keep my expectations low, of myself and of everyone else. SP, this is perhaps the biggest change to my communications style. I suggest and then leave it out there for NG to ponder. Flogging dead horses are out. I try to let him know that my expectations are very low, and you know, he does so well to beat them. From the simple things like what we plan for a Sunday. If I want lots of excitement, he ends up doing nothing. If I take the position of just being happy hanging out, he inevitably plans for something interesting. Its a tough one though, I keep backsliding to making grand plans, have NG dig his heels in, and then go low on my expectations again.
Letting go of expectations is incredibly hard. I'm trying to see when my expectations are coming from my own issues or when are they simply just something that the situation calls for. For instance, I have been looking back to some times in the past when H let me down. Recently, I had the major realization that a year ago, I wanted H and I to move on in our lives. H clearly was not in a position to do so but I kept pushing anyway. I would send him job listing after job listing. He applied for a position in a location where I wanted us to move. H wrote the most disturbing cover letter I have ever read. It started to dawn on me that H was not doing well mentally but instead of addressing that, I was more disappointed that he had ruined his chances of ever working at that company.
So, my point is we don't need to eliminate all of our expectations but rather examine where they are coming from and what they would supply us with if they were fulfilled or what we would think that we would lose if they were not. It's much, much easier to do this AFTER the event has occured.
Hi Slowly - Just checking in to see what you & NG have been up to Looking forward to your next update!
Take Care, SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Hey Slowly...just checking in! I'm trying really hard to get caught up, but yes, I've started a new thread in Piecing and believe we are an honest-to-goodness success story!
Hope you are well and look foward to the new neighborhood!
Hello sikan, SP1 and Martha - Thanks for popping in. Life here has been incredibly hectic, both at work, and at home. We have had a sequence of house guests, which has been quite taxing. We are finally getting back to an even keel. With everything that has been going on, I'm feeling quite disconnected from NG. Not quite sure how to break through his pre-occupation with work, especially as it is giving me bad moments with flashbacks - ugh
Hi amd - I'll swing by! Another week, another chance to start again - NG and I just had a very difficult weekend, and it was only this morning that it dawned on me, this is the 2nd anniversary of the bomb. Yuck. No wonder I've been outta sorts. Not sure if any of this is resonating with NG, but he has been acting defensive too. Does this ever end
Try not to think of it as an anniversary of something cruddy. It's just another day. And just like every other day, we have the ability to chose our attitude for the day.
I think what I'm trying to say is that it ends when you allow it to end. I made it through the anniversary of my "bomb" without even realizing it. I didn't realize it because I was too busy living my life and enjoying spending time with SO. Now of course it crossed my mind a couple of days later, and I thought to myself, "Hmmm...I missed that. I'm surprised I missed that. Should I take some time to be sad about it now?" About 5 nano seconds later I said to myself, "What for? What would be the purpose of feeling sad about it now? That was in the past. Let it stay there. I have a choice about how to mark this 'anniversary', and that includes choosing NOT to mark it at all!"
I then went on with my day, happy and productive.
Perhaps this may sound naive? <shrug> I'm not sure. Whether it's naive or enlightened, it works for me! And what does Michelle teach us? Figure out what works, and do more of the same!
Tonight we head off to a friend's palce for his retirement party, which we have been looking forward to as many friends we have not seen in a long time will be there. 
I'm glad to read that you & NG are doing well and managing to spend QT together despite your busy work schedules. That is my primary LL and many times I feel my tank depleted with my Hs constant working.
NG and I continue to muddle through, and every now and then we do something different. Work is hectic for us both, though I am being good about shutting my laptop at 6, and hanging out with friends instead, usually on the phone. Since that strategy, NG too has cut back on the overtime. 
Looking forward to your next update!
