Quote: Was NG very romantic before the A? Are you wanting him to act like he did previously or is this new romantic behaviour you would like to see?
NG was very romantic when we were first dating, and somewhere along the line we both went to sleep at the wheel. So yes, I am looking for new behaviour, to some extent. But lately, I've also come round to thinking that he expresses his feelings his way, which I've been slow to pick up. For example, when we are sitting on the sofa watching tv, and we have guests, he will hold my hand discreetly Granted that it is not as flamboyant as a bunch of flowers, but maybe it means more to him?
Quote: Do you think his love tank is running low and that is why he's not being romantic? What are his LL?
There is some of this too. I just posted earlier today on the Rottzs thread, NG is into QT in a big way, and if I can just curb my energy and simply 'be' with him, wonderful things happen. Its an adjustment, I used to be the type that needed to get through 20 things a day to feel like its been a good day Slowing down has been good for me, and the R.
Quote: Any ideas about how to make NG feel more comfortable about opening up and discussing his family? What has worked before?
To be honest, nothing has worked before, and I'm not sure I tried too hard either. Just lately I've concluded that many of his issues are rooted in a fairly dysfunctional childhood, and I'll just have to be an open minded listener for him to continue to open up. A little goal has been to draw him out on a childhood anecdote every weekend, and through these, learn more about what it was like for him. Its working, so far
Quote: There is some of this too. I just posted earlier today on the Rottzs thread, NG is into QT in a big way, and if I can just curb my energy and simply 'be' with him, wonderful things happen. Its an adjustment, I used to be the type that needed to get through 20 things a day to feel like its been a good day Slowing down has been good for me, and the R.
This describes my R to a tee. Once I was able to accept just hanging out on the sofa (when I wanted to be cleaning, running errands, anything active!) as a way to express love to h, well, as Slowly said...great things happen!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Hi Sage - Your threads were the first ones I read when I first got here, I agree, there are just so many similarities To be honest, I've been able to avoid some surprises mainly because I had early warning from your experience. Thanks as always, for sharing.
Hi SP1 - Thanks for bumping me, this week has been simply insane at work, I've hardly had time to read never mind post I just saw this checklist posted by Fearless, and wanted it here to remind me when I lose the plot with NG
Quote: MANDATORY DO'S WHEN DIVORCE BUSTING 1. Be patient. Time is an assest even when it seems to be killing you. 2. Listen carefully to what your spouse is REALLY saying to you. 3. Learn quickly that anger is your enemy 4. Learn quickly to backoff, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 5. Take care of yourself. Exercise, sleep, laugh, and focus on all the other chances in your life that are not in turmoil. 6. Be cool, strong, confident and speak softly. 7. Know that if you can do a 180, your smallest consistent actions will be noticed much more than ANY words you can say or write. 8. Read as much as you can on this subject
MANDATORY DON'T's WHEN DIVORCE BUSTING 1. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more then ever in your whole life and are desperate and needy. 2. Do not focus on your self when communicating with your spouse. 3. Do not believe any of what you hear and less then 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute neagatives because they are hurting and they are scared. 4. Do not fall into the "green eggs and ham" trap. (see Dr. Suess for clarity) 5. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 6. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
NG and I are both taking time out to catch up with ourselves today, he too has been busy. A few months ago, I would have been agonizing about whether he was online to ow, now, he is open enough, and I am calm enough that giving him, and myself, the necessary space to regroup after a hectic week, is not too much of a problem.
I hear you about work. It's good to be busy, but too busy isn't all that.
Thanks for the reminders! It helps to be transplanted with a Newcomer's mind every once in a while, to get those concepts we came to this BB desperately seeking however many months/years ago.
They always work, no matter how long we've been at it.
Good for you for recognizing that QT for NG means curbing your own energy... it's something I have yet to learn. With S., I can do along with him, but I think he likes it more when I just sit there and be. Maybe I should try mind-altering drugs...
Quote: A few months ago, I would have been agonizing about whether he was online to ow, now, he is open enough, and I am calm enough that giving him, and myself, the necessary space to regroup after a hectic week, is not too much of a problem.
Slowly, this is so good to hear. It's so good to see your steady progress.
Granted that it is not as flamboyant as a bunch of flowers, but maybe it means more to him? 
Slowing down has been good for me, and the R. 
To be honest, I've been able to avoid some surprises mainly because I had early warning from your experience. Thanks as always, for sharing. 
I just saw this checklist posted by Fearless, and wanted it here to remind me when I lose the plot with NG