Happiness is a how; not a what. A talent, not an object. Hermann Hesse
Yes, we have discussed this many times, but it seems I learn in layers. For now, I plan to focus on looking at the things that make me happy, everyday Its only after the happy counter is set that I will allow myself to look at the challenges. Let's see how this works...
Today, NG woke me up with a warm cuddle and was very attentive during breakfast. And tonite, we are going out to our favourite pizza joint. Not bad for a Monday
Hi Jennifer - As always, the points that are not so obvious
Quote: So what are you doing to thought-stop, to stay with trusting NG, to keep your anxiety yours and not project it onto him? Is he being sensitive to you regarding his destination? IOW, is he saying/doing anything that shows you he is aware and sensitive?
Thought stopping is a LOT easier now than it was a year ago - maybe I'm becoming more confident in my judgement, and it tells me NG is no longer with ow. I'm also a LOT more adept at not projecting my anxieties, not just with NG but with family, friends and even colleagues - such amazing dividends from dbing
NG unfortunately is not giving an inch in terms of what I might need. He does not acknowledge that this could be difficult, or reassure in any way at all. I suspect he may feel that would be pandering to me His dealings with his family suggest that it is important to him not to be seen to 'give in' - often I wonder how much of that played into just how long the a took to end.
Quote: Happiness is a how; not a what. A talent, not an object.
Hi Slowly,
Love this thought! I think your Monday sounds pretty darn nice.
I have discovered through my journey just how much my self talk and inner thoughts direct how I feel in the same direction. On the plus side I am better, with a long ways to go, at stopping and redirecting them!
Hope your Monday is nice all day.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hi Pam - Thanks for the visit and the validation; I wish I knew then what I know now about positive thinking!
This morning, I am in the office and NG is at home, he totally stepped up to the plate and offered to be at home to let the painters in, we have to re-do our ceiling. This is indeed a new NG, he understood that I had an important meeting and offered to take care of home. I'm looking forward to going home with lunch, and settling down for the afternoon with both of us working from home.
Hi Hopeful - Trust is such a big issue for me. I was never one to trust folks easily anyway, and NG's a has just knocked me back even more
Quote: So giving you advice I am trying to take- act as if, distract yourself and show H that you are placing your trust in him.
Distracting myself is what works, and strangely, also knowing that NG did burn his bridges with ow - during my rational moments I can reason that even if NG was to contact her, she would probably not entertain him.
The problems are when I'm NOT rational But I have to say, they are fewer, and farther apart. Seems like one can recover from betrayal, it just takes so darned long
Quote: Seems like one can recover from betrayal, it just takes so darned long
Yes, I think it does and sometimes I think it would be a lot easier with the WAS and sometimes I think it is easier without! But first choice would always be with and you and NG are doing a wonderful steady rebuilding that will last. You know, a good foundation!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hi Pam - Thanks for stopping by, and yes, as tempting a it to run away and start again, reconciling within an existing relationship does seem to have long term benefits.
I'm just finding it so hard to manage my workload at the moment, and am wondering if part of the reason I'm taking on so much is so I can escape a little Anyways, the next two weeks set to be busy, though I am promising myself at least an hour a day here.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my gynae for a routine check-up and NG was very sweet, he came with me. This is a first. Usually I've been the tough little cookie who did not need any support. Turns out he was happy to come along, if only I asked. After the clinic, we had a lovely cup of tea, and quitely celebrated London's win to host the 2012 Olympics
This is going back to almost two weeks ago when frankly I was not feeling good about NG or the R. Sage's question has been going round in my mind, and yes, I do need to be better at pinning down specifics
Quote: What do you mean by "feel like the way we were pre-a"? Care to elaborate? Maybe we can help brainstorm.
Upon reflection, although on the surface things may feel like they are the same, the more I peel the onion, the more I see that there are differences, at least for me. I suppose I'm concerned that NG seems to be going through the same motions as he used to a couple of years ago - sitting on the couch all weekend, watching tv, apparently happy to have me organise our home, meals, holidays, outings with friends, phew the list goes on.
Here is where I start seeing that actually I do not have to do any of these things. If I just leave things alone, eventually he does come out of his shell and makes an effort. Sooo, the thing I need to do differently to create a change is actually, do nothing. And every now and then, ask specifically for what I want - like asking him if he would take me to the gynae - it was a breeze, he agreed to it no problem.
Some of this feels like going back to basics - observing what I'm uncomfortable about, deciding what outcome I'd like, and then developing a solution (do nothing, or ask NG to do something very specific). Someone keep reminding me of this OK?
Some of this feels like going back to basics - observing what I'm uncomfortable about, deciding what outcome I'd like, and then developing a solution (do nothing, or ask NG to do something very specific). Someone keep reminding me of this OK?
Slowly
Sure!
I think it's great that you went deeper and looked at what was really the same and what wasn't. It's easy (I know!) to paint everything with the same broad strokes of "then". For me part of it is that my memory is faulty -- what happened first, what happened next, when were the first "signs", etc....so that when I start to get an inkling of "same old, same old" it's easier (but more painful) to just throw up my hands and say "we're on the fast track to crappiness again" than it is to really look and see (I do eventually get there, though).
I noticed in my Palm Pilot (tm) that it's nearly time for me to re-read DR. How 'bout you?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Its only after the happy counter is set that I will allow myself to look at the challenges. Let's see how this works...
His dealings with his family suggest that it is important to him not to be seen to 'give in' - often I wonder how much of that played into just how long the a took to end.
Slowly
But I have to say, they are fewer, and farther apart. Seems like one can recover from betrayal, it just takes so darned long 