Trying to find MY way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Hi, Slowly .

I'm not quite sure. I'm hoping it made H realize that I mean business! That I'm not going to sit around and wait on HIS decision....that there are going to be "consequences" for him choosing to walk away from the family....that he's finally beginning to understand the fact that he very well could lose us....and what this all really means to him.

I believe I've got H REALLY thinking now....he said he would come home, and that's what I'd love to happen....BUT I'm REALLY afraid that he's only saying that out of fear....and I don't want a decision based on fear....because what happens if I agree to H moving back in right now and we just end up going nowhere again? H will feel secure because he is here with us, but what if that little voice is still there lurking inside of him? Telling him that he does not want to be here and he should have never moved back into the house? Telling him to just keep his mouth shut about his unhappiness again?

H told me plain and simple that he's not interested or ready to move back home....I told him I wanted a decision by the end of the month....I feel I've given him an ultimatum, and I've put the pressure on....now H seems to be scared, and I'm afraid he's going to decide to come home but only out of fear....and I don't want that.

What the he** did I do????

(Sigh).... ....Anyway, H called last night around 1am. he said he couldn't sleep at all. He also wanted to be sure that I was still going to let him take S9 and S5 to the water park in Sacramento; H said he promised them over the weekend that he would take them there today. I told H yes, that was fine.

H was asking me again to reconsider the visitation schedule. He said, "I'm sorry, JV. I'll do whatever you want me to do. I'll help out more with them, and I'll get them to behave like before all this happened. I'll work on a routine with you and them. I won't call and come over whenever I want anymore. I'll chill out. I promise. Just please don't take them away from me. I need to see them everyday, JV. I can't be without them."

I told H, "First of all, H, I am NOT taking them away from you! I'm not telling you that you can never see the boys again. I'm just saying that a routine, a schedule, needs to be set up. It's the right thing to do. For them, for me, and even for you. Think about this. If we get a D, do you honestly think you're still going to see them everyday?! Do you think that's right, and more importantly, do you think that's realistic?! How are you and I supposed to move on if we're still seeing and talking to each other everyday?....This is what being S and getting a D means, H. You do not get to have your family when YOU want them...when it's convenient for you. Not anymore. You can still see your children, but it's going to be on a set schedule from now on."

H said he was sorry again. He also said he wasn't even sure if he wanted to move on. He told me that he was thinking about his visit with me after I brought the kids home. H said, "I'm sorry I was touching you and stuff, but I really wanted to. I wasn't doing it to have my way with you...but that would've been fun (LOL )! No, seriously though. I just wanted to tell you that I thought you looked nice....really nice. Friday, too, and I'm glad that you had a really good weekend. That's great."

I told H thank you and that made me feel good . I asked him about his weekend with the boys, and he said they had fun. They mostly went swimming at the community pool. I asked H how was his Saturday night -- H told me last week that MIL was going to watch S9 and S5 for that night so he could go to OzFest (concert) with (mf). H said it was alright. He said he wasn't really into that kind of music (Black Sabbath -- I think that's like hard rock/heavy metal or something ), and he said he felt out of place....he felt old .

Then H brought up the flirting that was going on here earlier again. He said he's not trying to lead me on in any way. H said he remembered when his dad would come around the house from time to time, and MIL would always feel that he was going to be coming back home to them, but he never did.

I said, "H, if there was flirting and playing around going on here between us, and if that lead to something more, I wouldn't think that it meant you were coming back. I wouldn't make myself believe that for a second. I mean come on now. We both know how naive and gullible your mom can be, and I'm not like that at all." H said he knew that; he just wanted to let me know that he's not trying to play games with me. I told him I appreciated that very much. By this time, it was nearly 2am, so I said I wanted to try to get back to sleep. H said ok and he would be here at 10am for the boys.

He got here a quarter til , and he surprised me with a cinnamon roll ! I told him, "Thanks! That was really nice of you." H played with the baby for a little bit, and there were moments when he looked like he had a lot on his mind. I would have liked to ask him about it, but I figured if he wanted to talk, I would let him initiate it.

As they were getting ready to leave, I told the boys to please behave themselves and to have a good time at the water park. Right before H shut the front door, he said, "Bye, JV." I told him bye also....H RARELY says goodbye at the door. He usually says "I'm taking off now" a few minutes before he leaves then goes out the door, so this was definitely something different for him.

Ok, time to put the baby down for his nap now. Thanks for listening. Oh -- and it looks like it's time to start another thread.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."