Trying to find MY way to happiness

[OCKim]

JV...

What we are both experiencing these days reminds me of a newborn baby animal... It's like we are trying to learn how to walk all over again.
It's a little awkward... We stumble a bit...
Things we are used to doing and sharing with our H's, we don't do anymore... It is scary and unfamilar but at the same time, I think it is good to be alone right now.
Being alone allows us to re-discover ourselves...
It can be a place of great personal growth and knowledge about ourselves.
I know that I have had to reintroduce myself to the "new Kim" in a way that is unlike what I have been used to.
But, in the end it WILL provide the both of us with a much more peaceful life.

I would be lying if I said that I did not feel moments of hurt, sadnes, and even embarrassment b/c my marriage failed; however, I know that I am a strong woman and I will get through this without becoming the "victim".
So, JV... when things get complicated or unclear for you and your sitch... Try to ask yourself: "What needs to happen so I can re-find my true happiness?"...
I once read on another thread that "The Best Revenge is Living Well"... That is so true...
Thinking of you, JV... Hoping you are having a wonderful weekend! Talk with you soon... -KIM

[ValerieA]

Hi, Slowly.

Hi JV - It certainly seems like an uphill struggle somedays, doesn't it?

Without a doubt.

However, I see so many positives, especially in the way you are able to contain the impact of H's actions on your feelings.

Thank you. I AM doing the best I can to maintain my "cool" though some days are much more trying than others .

I feel though, there is a big elephant in your sitting room that you need to think about tackling, maybe not immediately, but sometime soon..... This can potentially colour all the other interactions and positives that you are building. How has he expressed this unhappiness - in words, deeds, implications?

In words such as, "You need to start pulling your own weight around here; go find a job", "Ok, well, get a job then to help pay for XYZ", "Don't say another f***ing word to me until you're ready to start bringing home some money", and "I'm making the money in this house right now. When you're ready to contribute to that, then we'll talk."

Now, would you like to know what kinds of things I would be asking for? I could be asking for money for the boys' stuff (their new clothes, shoes, school supplies, etc.), money for Christmas shopping or a birthday gift for someone (friend or relative), and I've even been given a hard time for grocery shopping. In the end though, H will give me what I need....but not without pulling and grinding teeth first.

This definitely is an issue that must be addressed. I know it, and I've known it for a while now. I told H that I'd like to go back to school to learn something new when the baby turned 2 or 3 years old, but either he doesn't believe me or he's doesn't want to wait that long.

Gotta go. H is here. I'll be back,

JV

[ValerieA]

Ok, continuing on....

So...maybe I feel he doesn't believe me when I talk about going to work when the baby's older since I literally said the same thing about when S5 got into school which was last year, but HELLO! I became pregnant, and that changed everything. H had a HUGE expectation of me, and it wasn't fulfilled.

And...maybe he doesn't feel like waiting another year or two to see if I'm serious. Maybe H feels like he's just had enough of being the sole provider....I don't know.

I really would like to go back to school and learn something new to help "bring home the bacon", but I've already made up my mind that this won't happen for at least another year or two. I DO NOT want to get a job right now because all it would be is part-time for minimum wage. How much help could that possibly provide?....Ugh .

Thanks for dropping in, Slowly. I am grateful, and I hope you had a lovely weekend . Mine was GREAT ! I'll do my journal entry later tonight.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Hey there, Kim.

Wow -- Another AWESOME post ! I LOVE it because you are sooo right on the money.

...Being alone allows us to re-discover ourselves...
It can be a place of great personal growth and knowledge about ourselves.
I know that I have had to reintroduce myself to the "new Kim" in a way that is unlike what I have been used to.
But, in the end it WILL provide the both of us with a much more peaceful life.

ABSOLUTELY. ...but change that to the "new JV".

So, JV... when things get complicated or unclear for you and your sitch... Try to ask yourself: "What needs to happen so I can re-find my true happiness?"

I need to focus on MYSELF...MY well-being....because I OFTEN find myself FEELING like "the victim" here. I still frequently have thoughts asking, "Why did he have to do this to me? Why did he hurt me this way? What did I do to deserve this?"

Ok, so...maybe I was "controlling" with my behavior or with my decisions that I thought we had made together. I didn't listen to his rantings as much as he needed me to, and I didn't go back to work like we originally planned....but how does any of that justify what he did? How could he abuse my devotion and my love for him like that?

Maybe I really haven't forgiven him at all. Maybe I've just been trying to forget without forgiving first.....It's tough .....especially when this EA wasn't the first. I had forgotten about the others (all were pre-M), but then it all came back after the bomb dropped.

"The Best Revenge is Living Well"... That is so true...

I like that , and that's what I'd like to do. I need to pay attention to me, and not to "why did he do this?" stuff...or even "why am I putting up with it again?". I feel like I'm allowing H to run all over my feelings, and I don't want that to happen anymore.

Thanks again, Kim . You are TERRIFIC!

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

What a weekend !!! It was just what the doctor ordered ! Well...sort of -- read on if you wish .

I didn't get on the road when I would've liked to, and I paid for it dearly -- what should've been a 45 minute drive turned into a 2 hour one ! Oh well , but what made it worse was when H called my cellphone (I don't have caller ID, remember? ) and said he was NEVER going to my parents' house again. H said nothing was said or done by my parents, but there was just a very uncomfortable vibe going on for him. This isn't the first time he's said this.

I talked to my mom about it, and she said nothing happened. She didn't say or do anything and neither did my stepdad. She asked, "What does he expect?! For me or XXXX to walk up and give him a hug?! What exactly does he want?!" I told her I didn't know, but I'm sure it has to do with the shame and guilt he still feels.

Anyway, I got to J's house at about 6pm, we waited for P's friend and her sister to get there, and then off we went to Arco Arena for the "Freestyle Explosion" concert ! We met up with a few other friends when we got there.

Oh man, it was AWESOME! The songs and artists were all coming back to me from my junior high years -- Pretty Poison, Stevie B, Lisa Lisa (who gave by far the best performance), Shannon, and so many others. We hardly sat for more than 2 minutes at a time because we were having a good ol' time dancing with our drinks in our hands for the whole 4 hour event! Wow -- it was sooooo much fun ! My sisters and I agreed that we were going to do this again....and hopefully soon!

After getting to bed after 1am, we woke up around 8am to head out to Folsom Lake , but geeeeezzzz it was cold ! Thankfully not for too long. Lots of clouds in the sky, and the sun kept playing peekaboo with us , but it finally warmed up completely after noon. We went out on the boat and took turns on the innertube -- the kind where 2 people can sit in it while being towed by the boat. It's soooo fun, and it's funny seeing the "excitedly-scared" look on someone's face when they see a very bumpy wave or sharp turn coming on! You just know that you'd better be holding on for dear life !!!

Aaaahhhh.....too much fun ! The only downer was that my shoulders got sunburned -- OUCH . Thank goodness for aloe vera !

After Folsom, we went back to J's house and BBQ'ed -- yummy -- and I decided to come back home last night to avoid the Sunday traffic.

When I went to pick up the baby from my parents' this afternoon, my mom brought up the sitch and wanted to know if anything's been done -- like have H and I talked and made any decisions about reconciliation or D. I felt a little uncomfortable and didn't really want to discuss much more with her, so I told my mom that nothing's being decided or talked about until the end of the month. She seemed to have gotten upset and said, "Well it just looks to me like you guys aren't going to get back together!" I said, "I don't know, Mom, but if I had to give you an answer right now, then my answer would be no. It doesn't look like H will be coming back." She said, "Then this is why you need to start talking about finances NOW, and what H will be giving you and the boys. He will always be responsible for those kids, but you need to work out what he's going to give you as far as alimony until you can stand on your own two feet, JV.....and you need to set a visitation schedule with him. You have to do it NOW. Those boys have been acting up so much lately because this is all so confusing and stressful for them! They don't know what to think! One day they're at home with you, then off with H for a day here and there, then back home, then you go away for a weekend, and they're back with H, then they're back with you again! They're all over the place between the two of you, JV! That's not right for them! They need a solid routine. They need some stability in their lives right now....I don't want to upset you and make you angry with me, but you have to set some rules here with H. If you just keep letting him take the kids whenever he wants them, then how is he ever going to realize what he is missing?! He's not! Not when he's allowed to just come, go, and call as he pleases."



I know my mother is just worried about me and the boys, but it took all I had to not get angry with her. I've told her how frustrating and annoying it can be when MIL starts asking about what's going on between H and me.....and now here's my mom doing it, too. Arrgghh!

(Sigh).....Ok, the visitation issue. I've seriously been thinking about this ever since H moved out, and I've made the decision for him to have them every other weekend. I actually thought of that about a week ago and planned on telling H today when I went to get S9 and S5 from him....and I did.

I knew my mom was right about the boys needing a routine and stability; I could see it myself even before she ever said anything. Well, I started out by telling this to H first then I told him about having them every other weekend. At first, he got really defensive and said, "Nope. That ain't happening. You're not going to f***ing tell me that I can't see my kids when I want to see them. I'll get a lawyer if that's what you want, and I guarantee you won't get your way." I told him, "I'm sorry you feel that way, H, but if that's what you feel you need to do, then go right ahead....It sounds like I'll need one, too, then."

My, my, my....how the tide QUICKLY changed .

H went from being "Mr. Uppity, Defensive, and All Up In My Face" to almost breaking down into tears. He started apologizing for saying what he just did and said he'll do whatever I wanted him to do. He said he had to be able to keep seeing them, and I told him he could but it would have to be on a set schedule from now on. He kept going back and forth between being angry and weepy while I was just trying to stand my ground....My goodness, I never thought I'd be doing this at all .

H started begging and pleading with me to reconsider, but I told him no. This is how it has to be. I told him he has made it perfectly clear to me that he's not interested in coming back home, so now I need to do what I feel is right for ALL of us -- the boys, me, and even H. Then he said, "Ok then, I'll come home. Right now. I'll move back in." OMG, I couldn't believe him. I told him NO. If he was going to move back in, it wasn't going to be for this reason alone -- that he's afraid of losing the kids or whatever.

I had to get going because the baby was getting fussy (hungry). H asked if we could talk more about this, and I told him yes, but I wasn't changing my mind about it. Then he showed up unannounced about an hour and a half later. All I'm going to say is that I believe H was attempting to "manipulate" me with flirting, being touchy-feely, and he even was trying to start something , if you know what I mean! I would have LOVED to...it's been sooo long ...but it wasn't right. I knew what he was up to.

We talked for a while here and there and in-between the kids coming and going then he had to go. We haven't reached a "permanent" decision yet, but I'm still sticking to the every 2 weekends deal. I'm thinking maybe I'll agree to H having the kids one or two days during each week, too -- set days, that is.

Ok....Whew.... another long one ! Time to go night-night .

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[slowly]

Hi JV - That was an interesting post.

H started begging and pleading with me to reconsider, but I told him no. This is how it has to be. I told him he has made it perfectly clear to me that he's not interested in coming back home, so now I need to do what I feel is right for ALL of us -- the boys, me, and even H. Then he said, "Ok then, I'll come home. Right now. I'll move back in." OMG, I couldn't believe him. I told him NO. If he was going to move back in, it wasn't going to be for this reason alone -- that he's afraid of losing the kids or whatever.

What do you think he made of your stand? Has this episode brought you closer to your goals?

Slowly

[ValerieA]

Hi, Slowly .

I'm not quite sure. I'm hoping it made H realize that I mean business! That I'm not going to sit around and wait on HIS decision....that there are going to be "consequences" for him choosing to walk away from the family....that he's finally beginning to understand the fact that he very well could lose us....and what this all really means to him.

I believe I've got H REALLY thinking now....he said he would come home, and that's what I'd love to happen....BUT I'm REALLY afraid that he's only saying that out of fear....and I don't want a decision based on fear....because what happens if I agree to H moving back in right now and we just end up going nowhere again? H will feel secure because he is here with us, but what if that little voice is still there lurking inside of him? Telling him that he does not want to be here and he should have never moved back into the house? Telling him to just keep his mouth shut about his unhappiness again?

H told me plain and simple that he's not interested or ready to move back home....I told him I wanted a decision by the end of the month....I feel I've given him an ultimatum, and I've put the pressure on....now H seems to be scared, and I'm afraid he's going to decide to come home but only out of fear....and I don't want that.

What the he** did I do????

(Sigh).... ....Anyway, H called last night around 1am. he said he couldn't sleep at all. He also wanted to be sure that I was still going to let him take S9 and S5 to the water park in Sacramento; H said he promised them over the weekend that he would take them there today. I told H yes, that was fine.

H was asking me again to reconsider the visitation schedule. He said, "I'm sorry, JV. I'll do whatever you want me to do. I'll help out more with them, and I'll get them to behave like before all this happened. I'll work on a routine with you and them. I won't call and come over whenever I want anymore. I'll chill out. I promise. Just please don't take them away from me. I need to see them everyday, JV. I can't be without them."

I told H, "First of all, H, I am NOT taking them away from you! I'm not telling you that you can never see the boys again. I'm just saying that a routine, a schedule, needs to be set up. It's the right thing to do. For them, for me, and even for you. Think about this. If we get a D, do you honestly think you're still going to see them everyday?! Do you think that's right, and more importantly, do you think that's realistic?! How are you and I supposed to move on if we're still seeing and talking to each other everyday?....This is what being S and getting a D means, H. You do not get to have your family when YOU want them...when it's convenient for you. Not anymore. You can still see your children, but it's going to be on a set schedule from now on."

H said he was sorry again. He also said he wasn't even sure if he wanted to move on. He told me that he was thinking about his visit with me after I brought the kids home. H said, "I'm sorry I was touching you and stuff, but I really wanted to. I wasn't doing it to have my way with you...but that would've been fun (LOL )! No, seriously though. I just wanted to tell you that I thought you looked nice....really nice. Friday, too, and I'm glad that you had a really good weekend. That's great."

I told H thank you and that made me feel good . I asked him about his weekend with the boys, and he said they had fun. They mostly went swimming at the community pool. I asked H how was his Saturday night -- H told me last week that MIL was going to watch S9 and S5 for that night so he could go to OzFest (concert) with (mf). H said it was alright. He said he wasn't really into that kind of music (Black Sabbath -- I think that's like hard rock/heavy metal or something ), and he said he felt out of place....he felt old .

Then H brought up the flirting that was going on here earlier again. He said he's not trying to lead me on in any way. H said he remembered when his dad would come around the house from time to time, and MIL would always feel that he was going to be coming back home to them, but he never did.

I said, "H, if there was flirting and playing around going on here between us, and if that lead to something more, I wouldn't think that it meant you were coming back. I wouldn't make myself believe that for a second. I mean come on now. We both know how naive and gullible your mom can be, and I'm not like that at all." H said he knew that; he just wanted to let me know that he's not trying to play games with me. I told him I appreciated that very much. By this time, it was nearly 2am, so I said I wanted to try to get back to sleep. H said ok and he would be here at 10am for the boys.

He got here a quarter til , and he surprised me with a cinnamon roll ! I told him, "Thanks! That was really nice of you." H played with the baby for a little bit, and there were moments when he looked like he had a lot on his mind. I would have liked to ask him about it, but I figured if he wanted to talk, I would let him initiate it.

As they were getting ready to leave, I told the boys to please behave themselves and to have a good time at the water park. Right before H shut the front door, he said, "Bye, JV." I told him bye also....H RARELY says goodbye at the door. He usually says "I'm taking off now" a few minutes before he leaves then goes out the door, so this was definitely something different for him.

Ok, time to put the baby down for his nap now. Thanks for listening. Oh -- and it looks like it's time to start another thread.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Link to new thread: Still trying....

Ok, lock me up please!

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."