Trying to find MY way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

What a weekend !!! It was just what the doctor ordered ! Well...sort of -- read on if you wish .

I didn't get on the road when I would've liked to, and I paid for it dearly -- what should've been a 45 minute drive turned into a 2 hour one ! Oh well , but what made it worse was when H called my cellphone (I don't have caller ID, remember? ) and said he was NEVER going to my parents' house again. H said nothing was said or done by my parents, but there was just a very uncomfortable vibe going on for him. This isn't the first time he's said this.

I talked to my mom about it, and she said nothing happened. She didn't say or do anything and neither did my stepdad. She asked, "What does he expect?! For me or XXXX to walk up and give him a hug?! What exactly does he want?!" I told her I didn't know, but I'm sure it has to do with the shame and guilt he still feels.

Anyway, I got to J's house at about 6pm, we waited for P's friend and her sister to get there, and then off we went to Arco Arena for the "Freestyle Explosion" concert ! We met up with a few other friends when we got there.

Oh man, it was AWESOME! The songs and artists were all coming back to me from my junior high years -- Pretty Poison, Stevie B, Lisa Lisa (who gave by far the best performance), Shannon, and so many others. We hardly sat for more than 2 minutes at a time because we were having a good ol' time dancing with our drinks in our hands for the whole 4 hour event! Wow -- it was sooooo much fun ! My sisters and I agreed that we were going to do this again....and hopefully soon!

After getting to bed after 1am, we woke up around 8am to head out to Folsom Lake , but geeeeezzzz it was cold ! Thankfully not for too long. Lots of clouds in the sky, and the sun kept playing peekaboo with us , but it finally warmed up completely after noon. We went out on the boat and took turns on the innertube -- the kind where 2 people can sit in it while being towed by the boat. It's soooo fun, and it's funny seeing the "excitedly-scared" look on someone's face when they see a very bumpy wave or sharp turn coming on! You just know that you'd better be holding on for dear life !!!

Aaaahhhh.....too much fun ! The only downer was that my shoulders got sunburned -- OUCH . Thank goodness for aloe vera !

After Folsom, we went back to J's house and BBQ'ed -- yummy -- and I decided to come back home last night to avoid the Sunday traffic.

When I went to pick up the baby from my parents' this afternoon, my mom brought up the sitch and wanted to know if anything's been done -- like have H and I talked and made any decisions about reconciliation or D. I felt a little uncomfortable and didn't really want to discuss much more with her, so I told my mom that nothing's being decided or talked about until the end of the month. She seemed to have gotten upset and said, "Well it just looks to me like you guys aren't going to get back together!" I said, "I don't know, Mom, but if I had to give you an answer right now, then my answer would be no. It doesn't look like H will be coming back." She said, "Then this is why you need to start talking about finances NOW, and what H will be giving you and the boys. He will always be responsible for those kids, but you need to work out what he's going to give you as far as alimony until you can stand on your own two feet, JV.....and you need to set a visitation schedule with him. You have to do it NOW. Those boys have been acting up so much lately because this is all so confusing and stressful for them! They don't know what to think! One day they're at home with you, then off with H for a day here and there, then back home, then you go away for a weekend, and they're back with H, then they're back with you again! They're all over the place between the two of you, JV! That's not right for them! They need a solid routine. They need some stability in their lives right now....I don't want to upset you and make you angry with me, but you have to set some rules here with H. If you just keep letting him take the kids whenever he wants them, then how is he ever going to realize what he is missing?! He's not! Not when he's allowed to just come, go, and call as he pleases."



I know my mother is just worried about me and the boys, but it took all I had to not get angry with her. I've told her how frustrating and annoying it can be when MIL starts asking about what's going on between H and me.....and now here's my mom doing it, too. Arrgghh!

(Sigh).....Ok, the visitation issue. I've seriously been thinking about this ever since H moved out, and I've made the decision for him to have them every other weekend. I actually thought of that about a week ago and planned on telling H today when I went to get S9 and S5 from him....and I did.

I knew my mom was right about the boys needing a routine and stability; I could see it myself even before she ever said anything. Well, I started out by telling this to H first then I told him about having them every other weekend. At first, he got really defensive and said, "Nope. That ain't happening. You're not going to f***ing tell me that I can't see my kids when I want to see them. I'll get a lawyer if that's what you want, and I guarantee you won't get your way." I told him, "I'm sorry you feel that way, H, but if that's what you feel you need to do, then go right ahead....It sounds like I'll need one, too, then."

My, my, my....how the tide QUICKLY changed .

H went from being "Mr. Uppity, Defensive, and All Up In My Face" to almost breaking down into tears. He started apologizing for saying what he just did and said he'll do whatever I wanted him to do. He said he had to be able to keep seeing them, and I told him he could but it would have to be on a set schedule from now on. He kept going back and forth between being angry and weepy while I was just trying to stand my ground....My goodness, I never thought I'd be doing this at all .

H started begging and pleading with me to reconsider, but I told him no. This is how it has to be. I told him he has made it perfectly clear to me that he's not interested in coming back home, so now I need to do what I feel is right for ALL of us -- the boys, me, and even H. Then he said, "Ok then, I'll come home. Right now. I'll move back in." OMG, I couldn't believe him. I told him NO. If he was going to move back in, it wasn't going to be for this reason alone -- that he's afraid of losing the kids or whatever.

I had to get going because the baby was getting fussy (hungry). H asked if we could talk more about this, and I told him yes, but I wasn't changing my mind about it. Then he showed up unannounced about an hour and a half later. All I'm going to say is that I believe H was attempting to "manipulate" me with flirting, being touchy-feely, and he even was trying to start something , if you know what I mean! I would have LOVED to...it's been sooo long ...but it wasn't right. I knew what he was up to.

We talked for a while here and there and in-between the kids coming and going then he had to go. We haven't reached a "permanent" decision yet, but I'm still sticking to the every 2 weekends deal. I'm thinking maybe I'll agree to H having the kids one or two days during each week, too -- set days, that is.

Ok....Whew.... another long one ! Time to go night-night .

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."