I agree JV. I know this may be hard! You have spent years and years your husband as well as you doing these same behaviors. You both chase one another. You both get angry and bitter. I think he does waaaaay more then you. But JV I don't say this to be mean but you do seem like a push over. I really hope that won't offend you to much. But you let him walk all over you. He is use to this behavior and maybe has grown to not respect you very much because you don't seem like you respect yourself either. You put up with his nonsense and his hurtful words. Even now he has no respect for you and just shows up when he wants. He calls when he wants. He wants a separation and to have his fun........and this is my opinion........as long as he can control it and make sure you are not moving on. That is key .....as long as you don't show signs of moving on. So he calls and you don't answer...he freaks. Starts thinking who is she with and what is she doing. Well, damn that is none of his business right now. If he wants space and seems to think he doesn't want this marriage then give him just that. Lay down some groud rules and be forceful. If you lay down a rule and then let him walk all over it even once that opens the door for his control. Create the distance JV. Changing your attitude like Kim said is key also. Be different not the same old JV who waits around for his calls. Let him know about a visitation schedule. And let him know you don't want him coming by unannounced. That you are busy and may have friends over and that you need your space right now. Tell him you are trying to move on and you can't do that with his constant presense there.
JV do things you wouldn't normally do. Go out with the kid's and be gone all day. You don't owe it to him to answer his every call or tell him where you are going every day. Honestly you don't! You have every right to go away for the weekend, lets say and go on a mini vacation with the kid's. You don't have to tell him your plans all the time. It sounds like you are very fair with allowing him time with the kid's. School will be starting again soon and they will need to be on a schedule anyway.
JV maybe when the kid's go back to school you could even find a part time job. Something anything out of the ordinary. With the way your husband is I think he would be scared if you got a job. Because you may meet someone and move out. See I think deep down he doesn't want this and loves you very much. He just has a good thing right now. He knows he can be without you and still control you. So in a sense he is living the good single life but in his mind he is controlling you therefore you won't ever move on. You are an ear to vent to, to piss and moan about everything that annoys him. His home is still his to come to whenever he wants.
JV can't you see why he comes flying over there when you won't answer. Becayse deep down he is worried and not secure at all. Right now you need to use to your advantage. Show him you are moving on and that you are okay with it. You could maybe say this so he knows you do at least still have love........ H I love you very much. I think I always will. But I can see your not happy. You have stated you feel we should divorce. So I have realized I can't change what you feel. I have been hurt and I feel I need to put a lot of distance bewteen us right now. I need to start moving on with my life right now. I know happiness may be out there for me someday. But I will never be able to find it if I keep hurting and facing the hurt everyday. I need to learn to move on without you in my life. So for right can we please put some distance. I don't like you walking in here unannounced whenever you want. I would like for you to give me the key. Also to call if you want to come over. If I don't answer I must be busy. I think we need to set up a visitation schedule. That way when the kid's go back to school they can have some sort of a routine. I will also know which days I can make plans on.
And a big key JV when he has the kid's only let him call you for an emeergency. Tell him you will call the kid's once to see how they are or tell them goodnight or however you do it. When he has the kid's and he calls so much I guarantee he wants to make sure you aren't doing anything or with anyone. DO NOT let him know who you are with or what you are doing. Create mystery and let him think. That way he can envision what it would be like if he let you go and someone out there could be holding you or loving you or courting you. Let him wonder and create mystery.
I know some of tehse things you have been told. But you never seem to follow through or end up reassuring him. Being controlled is a hard thing to breal I know. But you are a strong woman. Your husbands words are just words I think JV. Dpeep down this man loves you. If he didn't he wouldn't do some of the things he does. Be strong for once and show him what it will be like without you. Don't back down or give in.
But you let him walk all over you. He is use to this behavior and maybe has grown to not respect you very much because you don't seem like you respect yourself either. You put up with his nonsense and his hurtful words. Even now he has no respect for you and just shows up when he wants. He calls when he wants. He wants a separation and to have his fun........and this is my opinion........as long as he can control it and make sure you are not moving on. That is key .....as long as you don't show signs of moving on. So he calls and you don't answer...he freaks. Starts thinking who is she with and what is she doing. Well, damn that is none of his business right now. If he wants space and seems to think he doesn't want this marriage then give him just that. Lay down some groud rules and be forceful. If you lay down a rule and then let him walk all over it even once that opens the door for his control. Create the distance JV. Changing your attitude like Kim said is key also. Be different not the same old JV who waits around for his calls. Let him know about a visitation schedule. And let him know you don't want him coming by unannounced. That you are busy and may have friends over and that you need your space right now. Tell him you are trying to move on and you can't do that with his constant presense there.
