Thank you for taking the time to respond on my thread tonight. I was happy to hear that you felt my post was both insightful and inspirational. What a nice compliment... THANK YOU!
I am sorry that you continue to struggle with your sitch. Not too long ago, I read an analogy of a butterfly -vs- a WAS... I want to share it with you... "THE MORE YOU CHASE AFTER THEM, THEY FLY AWAY... BUT, IF YOU SIT QUIETLY, THERE IS A CHANCE THEY MAY COME TO REST SOFTLY ON YOUR SHOULDER"...
In order to get your H's attention, you need to change your behavior. It seems that you have been talking about your feelings alot lately with him... Try to stop talking about them COMPLETELY. IMHO, in order to make your H react differently, you have to do something completely out of the ordinary. Try to not ask anymore questions, make him wonder about YOU, become less accessible and predictable. JV... IF you want your H to be more communicative and to openly express his feelings with you, especially about your problems in your marriage and why he is so unhappy, then you need to remember that pressuring him will lead him to withdraw even more. The more you pursue, the more he will continue to withdraw. Something that you can do differently that will really surprise your H is to STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE COMPLETELY!!! Let your H have the opportunity to notice that you are not trying to "fix" things anymore with your marriage. If you are in fact eager to hold your marriage together, try hard not to engage in any kind of behavior that will inevitably push your H farther away. (ie: do not pursue, beg, reason, etc.)... B/c IF your husband REALLY wants out of the marriage, he will most likely get fed up with the pressure and then insist your marriage is over. I think that it is human nature to want to escape when someone is feeling pressured. In trying to get your H to move back home (which he may see as you "chasing" him), it takes the focus off of your marriage and puts the spotlight onto YOU. This will most likely lead to your H getting annoyed with you and your persistence robs your H of the opportunty to reflect on what is happening in your lives right now. If that happens, his anger will be the only emotion he will feel and your persistence will prevent him from having any feelings of sadness, guilt, or remorse, or any other emotions that would help you. IMHO... you need to stop supplying him with a reason to leave your marriage. JV... IF your goal is to be able to get your H to reconsider his decision to divorce and begin working on your marriage, then I believe you need to stop chasing him and act "AS IF" you are going on with your life. Stop doing ANYTHING that your H might look at as "pursuing" behavior... (ie: no more phone calls, trying to get him to reconsider, asking for reassurances, etc.)...
JV... Believe me, I know this is all VERY hard and quite painful. I do know how you are feeling and what you are going through. I wish that I had a "magic wand" and could take this pain away from you. Perhaps there is some comfort in knowing that there are people out there who do care about your happiness. Take good care of yourself and hang in there, JV! Talk w/ you soon! -KIM
