Journaling:

H stopped by today...unannounced again...because I didn't answer or return his phone call...again.

You know....I'm not even trying anymore. I feel like, "what for?" H might be very sick and confused, but how can he not know or understand what he's saying and doing to me? To us? To this M? To our family?

He came over. For what? I dunno. He just sat in the living room chair, said hi to S9 and S5, and played with the baby a little. Nothing more. Said he would be here in the morning to get the boys, said he was sorry again, and left. I'm so tired of hearing his apologies. I know he feels the need to say it, and I'm sure he means it, but everytime I hear those two words, it hurts like he**. It almost means nothing to me anymore.

I have to be at my sister J's by 3pm tomorrow -- playing it safe and smart because of the weekend traffic . S9 and S5 will be with H for the weekend while the baby will be with my parents. I made those arrangements to lessen the possible chance of H calling me over the weekend to vent about the baby's fussing , but my mom told me today that she nor my stepdad will be home until after 3:30pm, and J lives about 45 minutes away. So after H left, I called to see if he wouldn't mind watching the baby until one of my parents got home from work. H said that was fine, and I thanked him.

So....I feel as if I should just move on with my life. Last night, H said he still loves and cares about me, but he does not want to come back. He will but he won't.

I HAVE been doing things to keep myself preoccupied and planning GAL stuff, but the feeling of loss is still there -- just a very empty feeling. It's nearly impossible to ignore no matter how hard I try.

I'm just venting, I guess. I'm hurt, and I'm beginning to feel angry. Bitter. How could the man who promised to love and cherish me do this? How can he walk away after all these years? Yuck ....I'm sure I could go on and on.

I feel like I should try to convince myself that this is all for the best. That he really is an a** for what he's done, and he has truly lost something very precious.

I've thought to myself many times during these last few months that I can't believe I'm trying to stay in this M with such a person. With someone who has fed me lie after lie after lie. With someone who has said so many horrible things to me....he is truly troubled.

Maybe we were only together due to an abandonment issue. H's father abandoned his family when H was young...and when I tried to walk away in the very beginning, H was clingy and begged me to stay. Maybe he's right. Maybe H never had "real" feelings for me at all; he was just afraid to be alone.

I don't know if I'm making any kind of sense at all . I'm just rambling. Too much going on with my head and my heart.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown

"Piecing is not for the faint of heart." ~ sage