Trying to find MY way to happiness

[ValerieA]

"If I move back home, and things are still bad, and then I move out again, well...then you're really going to hate me."

Listen to this. Really listen to it. He's telling something here.

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I think he's telling me that he will move back if that's what I want but he will not be around much. He said that. Looks like I left some info out -- that tends to happen when the kids are running around making noise -- being kids !

H said, "I'll move back in tonight if that's what you want. I want to do whatever's going to make you happy...But I'll be out playing cards 24 hours a day...because I don't want to be there."

How do I take that? It's like he's saying, "Yeah, ok, I'll come home and we'll be together for the rest of our lives because I know that will make YOU happy, JV. I'll never open my mouth and say another word....BUT I'm letting you know that I DO NOT want to be there."

If H were to move in then move out again, he says I will really hate him. Hmmm.....maybe he feels this way because of how I used to get upset and angry when he wouldn't spend any time with me, and even moreso when he would return from his 2 week long business trips. H would be gone for all that time, and I guess I expected QT with him and I expected him to want it, too, when he got back. When that wouldn't happen, yes. I became angry and bitter with him. So I suppose H felt I hated him for that. I never hated him though. I was just angry, hurt, disappointed, and I felt rejected.

I guess you could say I pouted . I never thought this about myself until very recently....but I think I've had a sort of "princess" mentality. My H has always wanted to pamper me. I NEVER expected that from him; I still don't, but perhaps I've developed this frame of mind because I've been so used to getting what I want or having something done my way.

I'm not proud of this at all. I don't know what else to say. It's as if I just became accustomed to this treatment because H always, ALWAYS, said that's what he wanted to do for me...because I deserve it all. I don't feel the same way and never have, but I just went with it because I knew it made H feel good to do for me.

And now that he's done all he said he wanted to do for me, well....now he resents me for it. H told me soooo many times that he didn't want me to work. He wanted me to stay home with the kids. He wanted to buy me this house, my truck, this, that, etc....and now....it's almost like he feels I'm "high maintenance". I would GLADLY give everything up to have my old H back. The one who made me feel so special to him. The one who always said I was his soul mate and he never wanted to be without me. Never.

Gotta go for now. Thanks again for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."