I know it was wrong and bad to get into that R talk. H initiated it, but when he appeared to not know how to start and just get it out, well...that was when the impatient part of me gave him a "push".
I know I'm not a failure, but it just feels that way. This was my dream -- to be M, have children, and spend the rest of my life with my H. It was a dream I lived for 8 years....now I'm awake....and I have to face reality.
How do I get H to miss me again? You see, it seemed a lot easier to get H to wonder about me and realize that he didn't want to lose me when he was away on the road. Now that he's not traveling anymore, and he's always calling everyday and seeing the kids whenever he wants, how can he miss me? How can he wonder?
My family says I need to set a visitation schedule with him. I agree to an extent, but....well....he IS their father and he should be able to see them whenever he wants. Then again, I feel like if I put a limit on how often he can see them (which also would mean how much he sees me) then he might just realize what he will be missing....because right now, I don't think he can possibly feel that. Like I said, H calls at least once everyday, and he has the kids at least 3 times a week. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm thinking of "using" the boys in some sort of manipulative way -- I AM NOT even thinking like that. All I'm saying is with all the contact that's still going on, I don't see how H could possibly miss me, the kids, the R, whatever. And here's another thing -- if H calls the house and I don't answer, then my cellphone rings immediately. If I don't answer that or call back within 15 minutes, then, seriously now, H will just come over and walk in unannounced. So, yes, I try not to answer or respond to every call, but if I don't, he just comes over. How am I to deal with that? Where is my space? Where is HIS space that he wanted sooo badly in that?
(Sigh).....H called again last night after I posted...a few times, and even after 2am (but I didn't answer that call). Just more of him saying that he doesn't want to move back in because what if things don't improve. H said, "If I move back home, and things are still bad, and then I move out again, well...then you're really going to hate me."
I told H for the 100th time that I will not hate him. EVER!!! Then he said, "I don't understand how you can even want me back. After all the s**t I've said and done to you. I just don't get it."
Sometimes....I wonder if he's lost some respect for me. Does he think less of me because I've chosen to "make nice" and keep my mouth shut about everything he's said and done? Because in the past I once said that if he ever did anything like this to me, I'd leave him in a heartbeat? That I wouldn't put up with anything like this? And now....here I am....doing what I said I would never do....living like I said I would never live.
For now, I'm going to consider some type of visitation schedule....because it's just too hard to detach and prepare myself for what's coming when H is around all the time.
I'm also trying to get myself pumped up for Girls' Weekend. I don't want to be the party-pooper .
Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
