Trying to find MY way to happiness

[ValerieA]

H and I had an R talk this evening. He started by acting like he had something to say but couldn't quite get it out, so I asked him. He said yes and no. Well, then I asked if he had thought about what I said last week (about a decision by the end of the month), and he said yes and that was what he wanted to talk to me about, but he didn't know how to say what he wanted without hurting me... .

Then he asked what I wanted. I told him that I would very much like for our M to work out and that I'm having a very rough time dealing with all of this. I probably told him too much because I also said that it's taken a lot of strength in me to not call him up and ask him to come back home -- I know that's not right for me to do or ask of him. Then H said, "If I moved back in, that still wouldn't fix anything or change the way I feel."...ouch .

That convo took place out in front of (mf)'s, well...H's place, too, now. I was picking up the kids, and they'll be going back with him Friday morning.

Anyway, H called when I returned home. I shouldn't have answered but did. The R talk continued. H asked me, "What do you want? What do you want me to do? Do you want me to move back just to make you happy?" I told H no, that's not what I want. I would like for him to only move back in if that's what HE wanted. Why would I want him to move back just for me when I would know that he was still miserable?

Ok, now I lost my train of thought because H just called again. It definitely looks like a D is inevitable. H says he doesn't want to move back in even though I never asked him to; I only told him how I felt, and this has somehow turned into H making his decision tonight instead of at the end of the month. He said he will move back if I told him to, but it wouldn't make him happy doing it; he would only be doing it for my happiness. I asked him, "How is it going to make me happy knowing and hearing what you just said? That you'd only be doing it for me. What am I supposed to think about that? How could I live with you and be happy knowing that you really didn't want to be here?" He just said, "I don't know."

Then H said he was going to Reno tomorrow to see what it takes to get a D. I told him I'm not even doing that -- getting an instant D ! No way!!! That is absolutely ridiculous!!! H asked what to do and where to go then since he didn't know how to go about obtaining one. Ummm.....and I do???!!!! I told him if he was serious then he would probably want to talk with an ATTY. H said ok.

Uuuuugggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! I am just so hurt, angry, and very upset right now. All I did was ask if he had given any thought to our sitch, and now I regret it. Maybe it's for the best though. Instead of grieving in 3 weeks, I can do it now and hopefully get through it sooner.

I feel like such a failure. I couldn't keep my H happy or my M together. Geez, I guess I'm just feeling really sorry for myself.

Not sure where to go now. I clearly do not belong in Piecing anymore. I don't want to move to Separated, and I'm not Divorced...yet. Perhaps I will just lurk for some time.

Thanks to each and every one of you who have been there for me when I needed the help and support. God bless you all.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."