Thank you, (((((((Kim))))))). I'm truly grateful for your insight and support. However, I'm the one who has been moody lately. I've been cranky, frustrated, and hurt. It seems as though I'm the one grieving a loss -- the loss of my R with my H.
I've been crying off and on since yesterday. I miss him. I miss my H so much. I know he can be a real a** sometimes, but I still miss him.
I've been GAL and keeping myself busy with small house projects, but I can't stop thinking about how all the affection from H is not there anymore. No more hugs, no more kisses, no more "ILY"s or "IMY"s.
He did call me today to see if he could pick up S9 and S5 later this evening; H wanted to go play cards for a few hours first. I told him that was ok with me. So, a few hours later, H called and said he was leaving the card room and would be here in about 45 minutes. He talked with me for about 15 minutes and told me about some of the hands he played. Just before we hung up, H said, "I'm sorry to be talking about this stuff with you, but I don't have anyone else that I can talk to." I told him he could talk to me whenever he wanted; I didn't mind and I like hearing about his experiences. H didn't say anything about that, but just said he'd see me in a bit.
Sometimes I'm afraid that if he did have someone else to share his times with, well...I don't think he would call me anymore unless it was for something that had to do with the kids.
When he got here, there was no warmth coming from H. He wasn't ice cold; he just seemed to be a little withdrawn. I acted as if I was feeling good. I smiled when we talked, and I told him to take the rest of the dinner I had made if he was hungry. He did say thank you and he appreciated it.
Even after we S at the beginning of last month, H would always hug me or give me a little kiss or say "ILY" before he left, but none of that is happening anymore. This just really hurts....because H has said to me before (when I asked for a hug a few weeks ago...and he said no in his actions) that he's "trying to get in the right frame of mind, and hugging [me] isn't helping at all."
So...is he emotionally preparing himself to not come back home? I know he asked me for a hug just last week, but it was after a very painful interaction and I had no desire to.
Sometimes I just want to call him up and beg him to come back home. I want to tell him that I love him so much, and I miss him so much, and that I'm so miserable without him...because I'm having such a tremendously difficult time trying to see my life without H. The problem is...even though he wanted to come home after those first few days, I don't think he feels that way anymore. I think he's had time to feel a lot better about being out of the house now.
I know I'm going to get through this and I'll be ok no matter what...but it really, really hurts right now.
Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
