Courage indeed. I'm so impressed JV and wish you the very best. You're doing what you feel is right for you and I so admire that. At the moment I couldn't make a decision if my life depended on it. I draw strength from you as our sitches are similar in so many ways.
I guess I don't see it that way from the inside. I just believe I've reached my limit. I'm sure there are others here that probably feel I've done too much or the wrong thing, but what's important is that I know I cannot go on like this. I've reached my boundary, and H had to be told. I think if I continued to remain in limbo any longer, well....I don't think H would have made any kind of decision for a loooooong time. Too long for me. Like I said, I can't be M and not live with my H. That might work for H, but not me.
I was talking with my mom this evening, and I told her about all of this. She asked me something that I didn't even think of myself. She asked me, "So when the end of the month comes, and if H hasn't made any kind of a decision, did you tell him that YOU were going to make it? Are you going to file for a D? What are you going to do?"
Didn't even think of it.
Well, I kind of avoided the question by telling her I hadn't told H anything like that then I went on to something else, but my mom wasn't done . She started telling me that I don't need to live like this. She told me, "You're only 30, JV...So young still...If you're not happy with the way things are right now, then you need to change it for yourself. If H wants to come back and be a better husband and a family again, good. If not, then you need to move on with your life. Why should you have to sit at home any longer because that's what he wants? Because he doesn't know if he wants a D, but he knows that he doesn't want to be home and be M right now? And it's so sad that he feels he's happier and a better father now because he's out of the house, when the truth is, it's because he's not traveling anymore. He's not on the road anymore! So, of course he's spending more time with them! Everything he is doing now with those boys are things he could just as easily be doing while living at home."
I know she's right because that's exactly how I feel about it. I guess now I have to think about what MY decision will be if H doesn't make one...???...I know it won't involve a continued S though. I don't like saying it, but it looks like ultimatum is the word, and I'll have to follow through with it....Hopefully H will make his decision, regardless of what it is, so I don't have to.
I know I've said it MANY times -- I would love for my M to survive, but I'm ready for a D if it should come to that. I'll get through it, and I'll make it just fine.
(Sigh).....It's been a rough couple of days over here. I helped MIL with her kitchen yesterday, tried to relax a little today, and I'm going back to MIL's tomorrow to help finish up. I say "tried" because we unfortunately had another bad episode this evening.
H said he was going to pick up S9 and S5 at 5:30pm then take S9 to his Tae Kwon Do class which was at 6pm. Well, 5:30pm comes...and goes. I waited another 10 minutes for H but he still hadn't shown. So, at this point, it's 5:40pm, it takes 10 minutes to get to S9's class, and he is supposed to be there at least 10 minutes early for warm-up exercises. I couldn't wait anymore, so I took S9 to class.
When I got back, H was waiting outside. He said, "Where have you been?! Where's S9 so I can take him to class?" I told H that I took him already (duh!) then he started getting a little attitude with me saying, "Well I TOLD you I was going to take him. You could've waited for me to get here, and I got here at 5:50pm. He would've still been on time."
I told H, "You said you were going to be here at 5:30pm. I waited until 5:40pm...and you still weren't here. You didn't even bother to call and let me know you were going to be late...and S9 has to be there earlier than the scheduled class time, you know?" H said, "Whatever. You could've called me, too, but you didn't." I told H, "I shouldn't have to. I should be able to rely on you and trust that you're going to be here when you say."
Well, that got under his skin to say the least . H was back to his mean, nasty side again and said some really smarta** things to me -- I'd rather not relive it -- and they hurt. Just more of the same "see what you make me do/say" and "you bring all this s**t upon yourself" stuff. Maybe I do sometimes, but it still hurt, and I started to cry a little in front of H, and...are you ready for this? He made fun of me crying. He stood in front of me and right to my face said, " Oh, boo hoo hoo! Now I'm gonna cry!", and then he left (S5 was already outside waiting for him).
The phone rang, I answered it (because I was expecting a call from my sister P), and it was H. H said, "Can you talk to me for a second please?" I was hurt and angry so I told him, "I DON'T want to talk to you right now! You are a cold, heartless a**hole! You've done nothing but manage to make me feel like s**t so just leave me alone! Goodbye."
After that, I "screened" my phone calls because H called back another 4 or 5 times saying things like "I'm sorry", "I'm so sorry, JV", and "JV, it's me, the jerk, calling...please pick up". I never did though....H says he's sorry an awful lot.
Even more apologies when he came back to bring the boys home. I asked him to stop (because, frankly, I was tired of hearing it), but he said, "No, I can't. I have so much to be sorry for." He asked for a hug before he left, but I acted like I didn't hear him.
Alright. I'm going to try to get some sleep now, and I've got a headache . Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
I've been reflecting on what's been happening with H and myself over the past week or two, and it just hasn't been pretty. I'm afraid I've been thinking too much about "what ifs" and "will he or won't he" kind of stuff. I've unfortunately been letting thoughts run through my mind like "is H seeing anyone?" or "has someone caught his interest yet?" Well, that's because I know it's not me. I've been quite edgy, irritable, and moody over the past couple of weeks, so I'm sure I've become very "unattractive" to H.
I don't know why I'm doing this. My guess is it's my insecurity that's playing a big part here -- not knowing what H is up to every night and who he might be with. Oh, and PMS, too . That usually occurs and lasts for about a week before that time of the month. So, yeah -- look out!
I need to watch myself especially if there's any chance of H coming home at the end of the month. I need to try to be more loving, warm, and friendly with him. I haven't been doing too good with that lately , and because of it, I've noticed that H has stopped giving me hugs and kisses like he was when he first moved out. He's also stopped saying "ILY".
I didn't talk to H yesterday, but he did call me on my cellphone earlier this afternoon while I was school shopping for S9 and S5. He didn't sound so good; he sounded like he had been drinking too much the night before. Anyway, he said he just wanted to see what I was up to and that he would pick up the boys tomorrow to visit with him.
H called again about 20 minutes ago for...well, nothing really. Just the same stuff as his first call. He asked what I was doing, and I told him I was just relaxing. Then he told me he went to the gym and now was on his way to Pacheco (there's a poker room there). H said to tell the boys hello for him, give them a hug and kiss, and tell them he loves them. I said ok, and H said he would see us tomorrow.
Ok, I gotta go. Kids are calling me. Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
So sorry to hear that you are struggling these past couple of weeks... You seem to be noticing that when you see or speak with your H that he appears to be "moody" lately... IMHO, you need to tell yourself that he IS moody because a VERY important relationship is not working out right now... His relationship with YOU! JV... he is bound to be depressed and especially because there is probably a part of him that thinks he has made a HUGE mistake and is too proud to admit to it. He IS going to be cranky, hurt, and frustrated and be grieving your seperation even though he is the one who walked away and moved out of the house. Try to let your H grieve without taking it too personally. I think you know that all of the negative stuff he does say to you is a bunch of bull$hit anyway! Hang in there, JV... Thinking of you, -KIM
Thank you, (((((((Kim))))))). I'm truly grateful for your insight and support. However, I'm the one who has been moody lately. I've been cranky, frustrated, and hurt. It seems as though I'm the one grieving a loss -- the loss of my R with my H.
I've been crying off and on since yesterday. I miss him. I miss my H so much. I know he can be a real a** sometimes, but I still miss him.
I've been GAL and keeping myself busy with small house projects, but I can't stop thinking about how all the affection from H is not there anymore. No more hugs, no more kisses, no more "ILY"s or "IMY"s.
He did call me today to see if he could pick up S9 and S5 later this evening; H wanted to go play cards for a few hours first. I told him that was ok with me. So, a few hours later, H called and said he was leaving the card room and would be here in about 45 minutes. He talked with me for about 15 minutes and told me about some of the hands he played. Just before we hung up, H said, "I'm sorry to be talking about this stuff with you, but I don't have anyone else that I can talk to." I told him he could talk to me whenever he wanted; I didn't mind and I like hearing about his experiences. H didn't say anything about that, but just said he'd see me in a bit.
Sometimes I'm afraid that if he did have someone else to share his times with, well...I don't think he would call me anymore unless it was for something that had to do with the kids.
When he got here, there was no warmth coming from H. He wasn't ice cold; he just seemed to be a little withdrawn. I acted as if I was feeling good. I smiled when we talked, and I told him to take the rest of the dinner I had made if he was hungry. He did say thank you and he appreciated it.
Even after we S at the beginning of last month, H would always hug me or give me a little kiss or say "ILY" before he left, but none of that is happening anymore. This just really hurts....because H has said to me before (when I asked for a hug a few weeks ago...and he said no in his actions) that he's "trying to get in the right frame of mind, and hugging [me] isn't helping at all."
So...is he emotionally preparing himself to not come back home? I know he asked me for a hug just last week, but it was after a very painful interaction and I had no desire to.
Sometimes I just want to call him up and beg him to come back home. I want to tell him that I love him so much, and I miss him so much, and that I'm so miserable without him...because I'm having such a tremendously difficult time trying to see my life without H. The problem is...even though he wanted to come home after those first few days, I don't think he feels that way anymore. I think he's had time to feel a lot better about being out of the house now.
I know I'm going to get through this and I'll be ok no matter what...but it really, really hurts right now.
Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
JV I highly recommend putting some ass kickin' tunes on and dancing around the house like a maniac!!! I just did this very thing with S3 and I feel SO much better. It doesn't make all your problems go away but it does make you laugh!!! Your kids would love it too!!! If they are out with H then do it anyway. Trust me - it really works!
Wondering what tunes we were listening to? Well let me tell you
1) Elvis Presley vs. JXL - A Little Less Conversation (extended version) 2) Ultimate Party Megamix (this is one of those sampler tunes - big band, 50's and 60's) 3) Tim McGraw - Somethin' Like That
My heart was racing, I was out of breath and my S3 was holding on for dear life.
BTW, sometimes, if I time it right H walks in while the boys and I are having the time of our life....I'm sure he wishes he were part of it.....sometimes we even invite him to join us
I've started repainting my kitchen cabinets, and I had the tunes cranked up loud, too! I like that Elvis Presley song, but I'm more into Alternative Rock and some smooth R & B. I had the CD player set on random play and listened to groups like 311, No Doubt, Coldplay, U2, etc, etc. No smooth R & B yesterday -- I like it very much, but everything I have is too lovey-dovey, if you know what I mean, and I didn't need to hear any of that at the moment .
And about the cabinets, well....I guess I just got a wild hair up my a** to do it ! They were repainted the day after the bomb dropped ( ) which was just over 6 months ago, but sometimes looking at the color I picked with very little help from H, well....I just don't care for it anymore. I remember trying to get H to help me pick out a color for the cabinets the day before they were to be repainted, but he just said, "I don't care. Pick whatever color you want and whatever will make you happy." Now when I think about it, I think H only had the kitchen painting redone to get me out of his hair, you know? Maybe he figured if he did this for me (since we had talked about redoing the kitchen for about a year) then I'd leave him alone and stop asking questions that had to do with my suspicions.
So, yeah...when I look at the cinnamon color of the cabinets, I'm reminded of the 2am phone call that night. Am I just crazy or what? Anyway, I'm changing it to an almond cream color now. I like it much, much better !
Thanks for stopping by again, Scotti ! I appreciate it very much, and I'm still following along with your sitch, too.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
H and I had an R talk this evening. He started by acting like he had something to say but couldn't quite get it out, so I asked him. He said yes and no. Well, then I asked if he had thought about what I said last week (about a decision by the end of the month), and he said yes and that was what he wanted to talk to me about, but he didn't know how to say what he wanted without hurting me... .
Then he asked what I wanted. I told him that I would very much like for our M to work out and that I'm having a very rough time dealing with all of this. I probably told him too much because I also said that it's taken a lot of strength in me to not call him up and ask him to come back home -- I know that's not right for me to do or ask of him. Then H said, "If I moved back in, that still wouldn't fix anything or change the way I feel."...ouch .
That convo took place out in front of (mf)'s, well...H's place, too, now. I was picking up the kids, and they'll be going back with him Friday morning.
Anyway, H called when I returned home. I shouldn't have answered but did. The R talk continued. H asked me, "What do you want? What do you want me to do? Do you want me to move back just to make you happy?" I told H no, that's not what I want. I would like for him to only move back in if that's what HE wanted. Why would I want him to move back just for me when I would know that he was still miserable?
Ok, now I lost my train of thought because H just called again. It definitely looks like a D is inevitable. H says he doesn't want to move back in even though I never asked him to; I only told him how I felt, and this has somehow turned into H making his decision tonight instead of at the end of the month. He said he will move back if I told him to, but it wouldn't make him happy doing it; he would only be doing it for my happiness. I asked him, "How is it going to make me happy knowing and hearing what you just said? That you'd only be doing it for me. What am I supposed to think about that? How could I live with you and be happy knowing that you really didn't want to be here?" He just said, "I don't know."
Then H said he was going to Reno tomorrow to see what it takes to get a D. I told him I'm not even doing that -- getting an instant D ! No way!!! That is absolutely ridiculous!!! H asked what to do and where to go then since he didn't know how to go about obtaining one. Ummm.....and I do???!!!! I told him if he was serious then he would probably want to talk with an ATTY. H said ok.
Uuuuugggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! I am just so hurt, angry, and very upset right now. All I did was ask if he had given any thought to our sitch, and now I regret it. Maybe it's for the best though. Instead of grieving in 3 weeks, I can do it now and hopefully get through it sooner.
I feel like such a failure. I couldn't keep my H happy or my M together. Geez, I guess I'm just feeling really sorry for myself.
Not sure where to go now. I clearly do not belong in Piecing anymore. I don't want to move to Separated, and I'm not Divorced...yet. Perhaps I will just lurk for some time.
Thanks to each and every one of you who have been there for me when I needed the help and support. God bless you all.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling with your sitch lately... I do believe that the most important thing to learn from all of this is to love and respect yourself. There were a few weeks where I saw so much more confidence and strength in your posts... IMHO... you need to try to appear calm and assured with your H. The less said to your H about your frame of mind the better... Think to yourself: "I believe in me"... "I can cope regardless of the outcome!"... It think that it is true that the error of the vulnerable person during the deterioration of a marriage is too talk TOO much. However, your H seems to have become non-communicative and a bit mysterious lately. He does not appear to really want to sit down and explain his true feelings to the person who desperately wants to know how he feels about your marriage. JV... Try to choose your words more carefully too. Be more discreet with him... Put out a quiet confidence. He does not need to hear about the pain you have been experiencing with the seperation right now.
JV... I do believe that the partner who is threatening to end the marriage (your H) is rarely convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is doing the right thing. He has a conscience and guilt. He may appear determined and his manner may be saying: "I don't care anymore", but he may also be having conversations in his mind where he continues to question what is the right thing to do. I am sure that he does not want his relationship with you to go back to what it used to be. IMHO... you need to make him wonder if he could ever get YOU back!
As far as you being able to "make" him happy... No one should be expected to carry another person emotionally. Only HE can make himself happy... He does not have a right to lay that total load on YOU. JV... It just may be worth sitting with this discomfort for a little bit and see if you feel the same after a little rest or break. (ie: NO MORE RELATIONSHIP TALK)... You deserve to be happy, JV! I am thinking of you... -KIM
At the moment I couldn't make a decision if my life depended on it. 
I draw strength from you as our sitches are similar in so many ways.
Oh, boo hoo hoo! Now I'm gonna cry!", and then he left (S5 was already outside waiting for him).
! They were repainted the day after the bomb dropped ( 
! I appreciate it very much, and I'm still following along with your sitch, too.