I guess I don't see it that way from the inside. I just believe I've reached my limit. I'm sure there are others here that probably feel I've done too much or the wrong thing, but what's important is that I know I cannot go on like this. I've reached my boundary, and H had to be told. I think if I continued to remain in limbo any longer, well....I don't think H would have made any kind of decision for a loooooong time. Too long for me. Like I said, I can't be M and not live with my H. That might work for H, but not me.
I was talking with my mom this evening, and I told her about all of this. She asked me something that I didn't even think of myself. She asked me, "So when the end of the month comes, and if H hasn't made any kind of a decision, did you tell him that YOU were going to make it? Are you going to file for a D? What are you going to do?"
Didn't even think of it.
Well, I kind of avoided the question by telling her I hadn't told H anything like that then I went on to something else, but my mom wasn't done . She started telling me that I don't need to live like this. She told me, "You're only 30, JV...So young still...If you're not happy with the way things are right now, then you need to change it for yourself. If H wants to come back and be a better husband and a family again, good. If not, then you need to move on with your life. Why should you have to sit at home any longer because that's what he wants? Because he doesn't know if he wants a D, but he knows that he doesn't want to be home and be M right now? And it's so sad that he feels he's happier and a better father now because he's out of the house, when the truth is, it's because he's not traveling anymore. He's not on the road anymore! So, of course he's spending more time with them! Everything he is doing now with those boys are things he could just as easily be doing while living at home."
I know she's right because that's exactly how I feel about it. I guess now I have to think about what MY decision will be if H doesn't make one...???...I know it won't involve a continued S though. I don't like saying it, but it looks like ultimatum is the word, and I'll have to follow through with it....Hopefully H will make his decision, regardless of what it is, so I don't have to.
I know I've said it MANY times -- I would love for my M to survive, but I'm ready for a D if it should come to that. I'll get through it, and I'll make it just fine.
(Sigh).....It's been a rough couple of days over here. I helped MIL with her kitchen yesterday, tried to relax a little today, and I'm going back to MIL's tomorrow to help finish up. I say "tried" because we unfortunately had another bad episode this evening.
H said he was going to pick up S9 and S5 at 5:30pm then take S9 to his Tae Kwon Do class which was at 6pm. Well, 5:30pm comes...and goes. I waited another 10 minutes for H but he still hadn't shown. So, at this point, it's 5:40pm, it takes 10 minutes to get to S9's class, and he is supposed to be there at least 10 minutes early for warm-up exercises. I couldn't wait anymore, so I took S9 to class.
When I got back, H was waiting outside. He said, "Where have you been?! Where's S9 so I can take him to class?" I told H that I took him already (duh!) then he started getting a little attitude with me saying, "Well I TOLD you I was going to take him. You could've waited for me to get here, and I got here at 5:50pm. He would've still been on time."
I told H, "You said you were going to be here at 5:30pm. I waited until 5:40pm...and you still weren't here. You didn't even bother to call and let me know you were going to be late...and S9 has to be there earlier than the scheduled class time, you know?" H said, "Whatever. You could've called me, too, but you didn't." I told H, "I shouldn't have to. I should be able to rely on you and trust that you're going to be here when you say."
Well, that got under his skin to say the least . H was back to his mean, nasty side again and said some really smarta** things to me -- I'd rather not relive it -- and they hurt. Just more of the same "see what you make me do/say" and "you bring all this s**t upon yourself" stuff. Maybe I do sometimes, but it still hurt, and I started to cry a little in front of H, and...are you ready for this? He made fun of me crying. He stood in front of me and right to my face said, " Oh, boo hoo hoo! Now I'm gonna cry!", and then he left (S5 was already outside waiting for him).
The phone rang, I answered it (because I was expecting a call from my sister P), and it was H. H said, "Can you talk to me for a second please?" I was hurt and angry so I told him, "I DON'T want to talk to you right now! You are a cold, heartless a**hole! You've done nothing but manage to make me feel like s**t so just leave me alone! Goodbye."
After that, I "screened" my phone calls because H called back another 4 or 5 times saying things like "I'm sorry", "I'm so sorry, JV", and "JV, it's me, the jerk, calling...please pick up". I never did though....H says he's sorry an awful lot.
Even more apologies when he came back to bring the boys home. I asked him to stop (because, frankly, I was tired of hearing it), but he said, "No, I can't. I have so much to be sorry for." He asked for a hug before he left, but I acted like I didn't hear him.
Alright. I'm going to try to get some sleep now, and I've got a headache . Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
. She started telling me that I don't need to live like this. She told me, "You're only 30, JV...So young still...If you're not happy with the way things are right now, then you need to change it for yourself. If H wants to come back and be a better husband and a family again, good. If not, then you need to move on with your life. Why should you have to sit at home any longer because that's what he wants? Because he doesn't know if he wants a D, but he knows that he doesn't want to be home and be M right now? And it's so sad that he feels he's happier and a better father now because he's out of the house, when the truth is, it's because he's not traveling anymore. He's not on the road anymore! So, of course he's spending more time with them! Everything he is doing now with those boys are things he could just as easily be doing while living at home."
Oh, boo hoo hoo! Now I'm gonna cry!", and then he left (S5 was already outside waiting for him).
