I was going to journal, but I don't feel up to it now. I've just had another bad night over the phone with H again. It actually occurred about 3 hours ago, but I needed time to cool off.
Very briefly, H called Friday morning to vent about the baby's crying, again, and to tell me that S5 said he wanted to live with H so he wouldn't have to be around S9 anymore. Apparently, they were fighting. H kept going on and on and on.....and I was fed up with it. I told him -- well, I really snapped at him to bring the kids home on Sunday (today) if he couldn't handle them. If he could, then plan to still bring them back Monday morning.
H asked what my problem was, and I more or less vented that I don't like for him to call me if all he's going to do is gripe about the kids. After H listened, he said he was sorry; he was just having a hard time with the boys. H said he wouldn't call to vent anymore, and he was still bringing them back Monday.
Didn't hear from him Saturday (yesterday), and I could hardly believe it, but my cell phone did ring after 4am this morning...hmm...could've been a wrong number.
So, H called a few hours ago. He started off by asking what I was doing. I told him I was just watching some TV while waiting for the paint to dry on the door before putting the second coat on. H said, "Oh....so what did you do last night?" I said, "Not much. How about you?"
Then here it comes again -- more venting from H. Now, I know this is just my H being who he has always been, but I can only take sooo much of it, and when I'm supposed to be having my "JV time",.....I just can't handle this. Having to sit there, listen to, and take in all his anger and frustration....I can't do it....it stresses me out sooooo much.
So then I blew up. I snapped and said, "H, when I'm having a hard time with the kids, do I call YOU up and do what you're doing?! Do I complain about how hard or how stressful it is?! No I don't! So why do you have to do it to me?! You tell me you're going to take the kids so I can have a break, but you know what?! You're not giving me that because you're calling me and complaining about it!"
Then H said, "F*** you then, you f***ing b****! We're getting a D then -- " I hung up. Not a very mature thing to do, I know, but I was p*ssed, and my blood was definitely boiling, and I didn't want to be called anymore names because, believe me, they were coming.
A minute later, the phone rang again and I let the machine pick up. It was H saying for me to please pick up or he was coming over. Well, I certainly didn't feel like seeing him so I answered. Then he went off on me for hanging up on him and was starting to swear again. I told H I was done talking to him because there was nothing more for us to talk about, and I refused to be talked to this way any longer. H said, "Whatever! You're acting like such a b****!" I told him ok, whatever, and to go file for a D like he said. I said goodbye and hung up.
5 minutes later, the phone rang again. I did not answer. It was H saying that he was sorry, and all he was trying to do was have a convo with me. He said he was sorry about complaining again, and he was sorry for calling me names. H said, "I just wanted to know how your weekend was and what you did. I don't care if you went out and met a bunch of guys. I don't care what you do!...(sigh)...I really wish you would just pick up the phone.....Ok...bye then."
With H calling back and apologizing, I think he regrets saying what he did about getting a D, but now....I really don't feel like I care anymore.
I know I started this mess by not wanting to hear H vent again for the umpteenth time, but......I don't know.
I just think about how good I have felt about myself and everything else in the house since H moved out. I'm not the happiest I've ever been, but I am HAPPIER. I feel more relaxed and more at peace with everything, and much, much less stressed when he's not around and doesn't call.
Have I given up on H and this M? Have I completely detached? I really don't know, but I DO know that if a D is coming, I am ready for it.
Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
