Trying to find MY way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Hi, Slowly.

Interesting, yes. Holding onto myself...mostly ...yes again.

I'm just trying to hang in there. I feel like I'm going through very mixed emotions right now. I miss H sometimes, but even moreso, I'm finding myself craving more time and space away from him....???....I think it has a lot to do with daily contact which is always initiated by H, but it's not the positive contact we hope and work hard for when DBing. It's H venting...always venting about his frustrations, and the majority of the time, I can't handle it. It's hard to sit there and listen to his ANGER where every other word is a cuss word.

Ugh...but I'm trying.

Thanks for stopping by, Slowly. I follow your sitch, too, but I don't post because I don't feel I have anything to offer. Besides, you and NG seem to have been on track for awhile now . All the best to you.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Hi, Scotti.

WOW JV you are good!!!

Yeah, I can be just as good of a smarta** as H sometimes !

Maybe he needed to hear it. I think it's a wake up call...

It could be.

I know H hasn't felt appreciated by me for a long time, but, and I'm not trying to justify myself here, I feel like H hasn't appreciated anything that I'VE DONE.

He throws comments and snide remarks in my face about getting a job and not pulling my own weight around here, but he has NO idea what it's like to take care of 3 children and maintain a household. I bow down to the women out there that have 5 or more kids and hold it all together -- they are my true idols .

So maybe for once, after he's had the kids for these past few days, he will have a stronger appreciation for what I do. If this makes any sense, he won't just say he does in his words anymore. Maybe he'll somehow show me he truly understands now.

Thanks, Scotti!

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Hey there, cally! How have you been? Thanks for dropping in on me again.

Yes, there a quite a bit of positives over here. H spending more time with the kids (although it's kind of sad he couldn't do it this much before moving out), H flirting a little and needing to know my plans and whereabouts all the time. <--- This last part...not sure if that's a good thing or not. It seems like it would be because it shows H cares and is noticing more, but at the same time, I think it mostly has to do with H's own insecurity and selfishness. I get the feeling that he just doesn't want to be alone, but he doesn't want to be with me. The selfishness...he just can't see me being with any other man -- he doesn't want to see it.

I feel like my mom was right when she said I needed to stop settling for the crumbs H throws me. He only seems to do this ( be caring, flirtatious, curious) when he knows I'm having alone time or going away.

About the job issue -- read my post to Scotti, and you can see why I get defensive about it. I know it's probably not the right or best way to react, but being told I'm not pulling my own weight isn't right either. For me, it's kind of like a slap in the face because I'm trying to raise 3 little boys into being 3 mature, responsible men. I, personally, think that is tougher, and more rewarding, than any other job in this world.

Ok, it's been a busy weekend with LOTS of painting involved ! I'll be back later to do my journal entry.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

I was going to journal, but I don't feel up to it now. I've just had another bad night over the phone with H again. It actually occurred about 3 hours ago, but I needed time to cool off.

Very briefly, H called Friday morning to vent about the baby's crying, again, and to tell me that S5 said he wanted to live with H so he wouldn't have to be around S9 anymore. Apparently, they were fighting. H kept going on and on and on.....and I was fed up with it. I told him -- well, I really snapped at him to bring the kids home on Sunday (today) if he couldn't handle them. If he could, then plan to still bring them back Monday morning.

H asked what my problem was, and I more or less vented that I don't like for him to call me if all he's going to do is gripe about the kids. After H listened, he said he was sorry; he was just having a hard time with the boys. H said he wouldn't call to vent anymore, and he was still bringing them back Monday.

Didn't hear from him Saturday (yesterday), and I could hardly believe it, but my cell phone did ring after 4am this morning...hmm...could've been a wrong number.

So, H called a few hours ago. He started off by asking what I was doing. I told him I was just watching some TV while waiting for the paint to dry on the door before putting the second coat on. H said, "Oh....so what did you do last night?" I said, "Not much. How about you?"

Then here it comes again -- more venting from H. Now, I know this is just my H being who he has always been, but I can only take sooo much of it, and when I'm supposed to be having my "JV time",.....I just can't handle this. Having to sit there, listen to, and take in all his anger and frustration....I can't do it....it stresses me out sooooo much.

So then I blew up. I snapped and said, "H, when I'm having a hard time with the kids, do I call YOU up and do what you're doing?! Do I complain about how hard or how stressful it is?! No I don't! So why do you have to do it to me?! You tell me you're going to take the kids so I can have a break, but you know what?! You're not giving me that because you're calling me and complaining about it!"

Then H said, "F*** you then, you f***ing b****! We're getting a D then -- " I hung up. Not a very mature thing to do, I know, but I was p*ssed, and my blood was definitely boiling, and I didn't want to be called anymore names because, believe me, they were coming.

A minute later, the phone rang again and I let the machine pick up. It was H saying for me to please pick up or he was coming over. Well, I certainly didn't feel like seeing him so I answered. Then he went off on me for hanging up on him and was starting to swear again. I told H I was done talking to him because there was nothing more for us to talk about, and I refused to be talked to this way any longer. H said, "Whatever! You're acting like such a b****!" I told him ok, whatever, and to go file for a D like he said. I said goodbye and hung up.

5 minutes later, the phone rang again. I did not answer. It was H saying that he was sorry, and all he was trying to do was have a convo with me. He said he was sorry about complaining again, and he was sorry for calling me names. H said, "I just wanted to know how your weekend was and what you did. I don't care if you went out and met a bunch of guys. I don't care what you do!...(sigh)...I really wish you would just pick up the phone.....Ok...bye then."

With H calling back and apologizing, I think he regrets saying what he did about getting a D, but now....I really don't feel like I care anymore.

I know I started this mess by not wanting to hear H vent again for the umpteenth time, but......I don't know.

I just think about how good I have felt about myself and everything else in the house since H moved out. I'm not the happiest I've ever been, but I am HAPPIER. I feel more relaxed and more at peace with everything, and much, much less stressed when he's not around and doesn't call.

Have I given up on H and this M? Have I completely detached? I really don't know, but I DO know that if a D is coming, I am ready for it.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

I'm not sure where to start. H and I got into it again while he came to bring the boys back home. I think it boils down to me not wanting to hear any more complaints and H being VERY tired and stressed out from the weekend (he REALLY looked like ).

I asked him if he could watch the baby on Wednesday so I could help MIL with painting her kitchen (he said he would), and I also asked him if he could at least watch S9 and S5 for the weekend of the 13th, and I was going to try to get my parents to watch the baby for that weekend to make it easier for him. He said, "Sure. Whatever....Why? What's happening that weekend?" I told him it was going to be a girls' weekend. H asked what that meant, and I told him I was going to a concert with P, J, and some of their friends then on Saturday we're going out on the boat.

H walked up to me, gave me a hug goodbye, said goodbye to the boys, then said as he was walking out the door, "Any guys going?"

Here comes smarta** JV with, "Why do you always have to think the worst? Like when I go out with my friends or my sisters, you automatically think there's going to be guys involved, don't you? I'm not looking to meet anyone, H. Maybe you are or were, but I'm not."

Then he left but called within seconds of walking out to tell me to open the garage so he could put the baby's carseat in there. When I did, H said angrily but also on the verge of tears, "Why do you have to say that s**t to me?!" I said, "I could ask you the same thing, H. Why do you have to call and leave a message telling me you don't care if I'm out meeting guys?" H said, "Because I don't! I WANT you to find someone else! It's what I deserve!" I was angry and said, "Whatever, H! You probably want me to so it'll be easier for you. So you can move on and tell whoever that I gave up on us first. I bet when you told your friends you weren't happy in this M that you didn't even tell them what you did, did you? You didn't tell them you cheated because you didn't want to look like an a**. Right?" He didn't say anything -- he just flipped me off and left.

I am so not DBing anymore; it's just sad. Everything's coming down, and the really sad thing is that I don't even feel like trying to stop it.

I wanted to be one of those success stories, but that is not going to happen. Not here.

H always assumes the worst when I'm out or away, tells me he doesn't care, calls me the worst names and uses every swear word he can, and is non-supportive of what I do as a mother/wife. He's so nice when he needs my help with something, and so mean and nasty when things aren't to his liking. He continues to throw daggers at me with still making me feel that I ruined his life.

What happened to the good times? The good things about H? I used to be able to remember them and now I can't, and I already know that I haven't been showing my good side to H either.

It's all coming down. I give up.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

I've just been informed that there's going to be a neighborhood block party tomorrow evening. One of my neighbors said she's been trying to get a hold of us (me and/or H) for the last couple of weeks; she said she was sorry she didn't just leave a note or something.

Anyway, she asked if we'd like to come, and if yes, we didn't have to bring anything since it was such short notice. I told her I'd make it (didn't mention anything about H), and I would bring a dip. It's going to be a bbq, there will be games and a big jumpy house for the kids.

So I called H to let him know about it and asked if he was interested in attending, and he said no....that's me putting his "no" mildly.

Well....none of the neighbors know of our sitch. They don't even know we're S. I have no intentions of sharing any of this with any of them either. I guess I'm just not ready to "announce" to the world that I'm S and heading for D.

I just don't know what to say when I'm asked, "Where's H?".....?????

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

I have no clue what I really want anymore. Do I want this R? Do I want to remain S? Do I want a D?



One second I feel good about being without H, and the next, I want him home.

Right now, I feel like telling him to make a decision about what he wants. Make the choice to D or come back home and commit to the M 100%.

I'm a total wreck right now -- no crying...I just feel like crap .

I can't stand this. Being married but not living with my H. I was afraid of this; that's why I never wanted a S to happen in the first place. It's been nice to have a "break" from H, but.....I don't know.....I don't want to be S anymore. I want a D or for H to come home and we work on it together.

I want to tell him to make a decision by the end of the week.

BTW, we are actually on very good terms right now. H sincerely apologized for his actions earlier, and I did the same. He said he doesn't like for us to fight like that (well neither do I!). His comment about getting a D came up, and he said he was just angry when he said it. H said, "I'll do whatever you want." I told him I just want to be happy. H said, "I want us to be happy...but I don't think it's possible for me to ever be happy."

I am such an emotional mess. Friggin' rollercoaster...and probably PMS, too.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[Scottisheart]

((((((((((((((((JV))))))))))))))))))

I hear you loud and clear!!! One day everything seems crystal clear and the next we're a flippin' mess. I don't have any real advice JV because I'm going through the same feelings. I think we just have to ride this storm out and do the best that we can. Like you, I try to DB but some days I just don't bloody well feel like it but then I get back on "that damned horse" and ride it for all it's worth.

You're doing a fine job JV in a VERY difficult situation. Don't beat yourself up over yesterday. Deal with now and hope for the best.

Take care.

Cheers, Scottisheart

[ValerieA]

Thanks, (((((((Scotti))))))).

Weeeelllll......... .........I did it.

H stopped by unannounced today; he said he left his cell phone in the truck (he borrowed it last evening to pick up his new bed).

We talked for a bit. I thought he told me he was going to go to Reno this morning with a couple of his friends. He said he was but he woke up too late, but he was thinking of still going. BTW, he looked really good ....I miss him right now .

Anyway, I was finishing up my daily cleaning then H handed the baby to me. He said goodbye to the kids, looked at me for a sec, and gave me a kiss on my forehead. H started to leave, and I called his name. He stopped and asked what. It took me a few moments to muster up the words I wanted to say, but I did it.

I told H, "I've been doing a lot of thinking. God knows I've had the time.....H, I thought I could do this...but I can't....I can't handle being married but not living with my H....I'd like for you to make a decision about what you want by the end of this month please. I'm NOT saying that I WANT a divorce...I'm just saying that I don't want to be separated anymore." All H said was "ok" then slowly left.

I don't know what to think or feel right now. Well, I feel a little scared, but also a little relieved because at the end of the month, I will know....I don't know; I'll just know something.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[Hopeful_Future]

Wow, that took a lot of courage. I have my fingers crossed that you get what you really want, and more so that you get what you really need.