Well, I wasn't planning on talking to H yesterday seeing how upset I was with him for the whole MIL sitch, but after I showered and dressed, I opened my bedroom door only to find H standing right there ! Scared the you know what out of me !
Anyway, H had a big smile on his face and tried to give me a hug while leading me back in to the bedroom, but I pushed away (probably shouldn't have done that). H asked what was the matter, and I told him, "I really don't feel like talking to you right now."
I walked into the living room and he followed asking me why. The boys ran in and started talking with us then H told them to go play outside for awhile. H asked me to continue, and I told him, "You didn't tell me everything in your conversation with your mom, and she had a different story to tell." H asked what she said, so the first thing I mentioned was about him blaming her for how his life turned out. H explained that was not what he did. He said when MIL was dropping loads of questions on him, he felt overwhelmed and snapped at her. He said he asked her how would she feel if her parents asked her a hundred different questions everytime they saw her like, "Why didn't you go to college? Why don't you get a better job? Blah blah blah." He said she just took it too personally like H was coming down on her for her choices in life. Ok....I guess I can believe him about that. MIL IS overly sensitive about EVERYTHING and DOES take things very personally even if you try to joke around with her. Actually, H's whole family is like that .
H asked if there was anything else, and I said, "Yes, there is, and I hate to say it, but you lied to me about your mom saying that I'm unappreciative. You were the one who said that!" H said, "No I didn't! I didn't say that!"
Now, in the past even when I knew H was being untruthful, I would look away and leave it alone....but not now. Not this time.
I looked him straight in the eyes and said, "No, H. You're lying to me. I know how your mother is, and she never lies. NEVER!"
Then H kind of slumped in the chair and said, "Alright. I did say it. I did, and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry. I was just mad....but sometimes I feel like you don't." I said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, H, but I do. I appreciate everything that's been done for me and for everything I have. I'm always grateful for all of it. Maybe there's a particular way you'd like to see it, but I don't know what that is, and just because you think it doesn't mean I don't." H said ok, and I was right. I told him I wasn't trying to be right. I was only telling him that I AM thankful and appreciate everything.
We were talking some more about MIL and SIL. I told him I cleared things up with his mom, and everything was fine between us because now she understands where I'm at (if you know what I mean). He asked, "Have you talked to SIL?" I told him no, and right now, I don't care to. She is really acting so immature about this whole thing, and I don't feel like I owe her anything. When she's ready to behave like a mature and responsible adult then I'll talk to her....so it might be awhile . H said he agreed.
I asked H if he told the rest of his family yet about the S, and of course, he hasn't. I told him, "I'm not doing it for you and neither is your mom. S5 and (baby)'s birthday parties are coming up in September. What's going to happen when both families come together for those? My family knows, but yours doesn't. I think it's only fair that you tell them sooner rather than any later so they can have time to deal with it on their own." H was kind of staring into space and said alright, he would.
H started playing with the baby a little then said, "I was thinking of taking all 3 boys with me and holding onto them for about a week."... ...I said, "Really?!" He said yes. I told H ok, and that was up to him. He said he would either pick them up today or tomorrow and bring them back on Monday.
My goodness! What will I do with all that time to myself??!!! Hmmm...I'll have to think of something . Actually, I have been meaning to paint the living room. This would be the perfect opportunity to do so . The new bedroom door still needs to be painted as well. Geez, then I have to go paint at P's house, too, this weekend! Oh boy!
Thanks for always listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
I've been feeling sooo good about myself lately and so much more at peace with him being out of the house now, but today....my feelings have been stomped on. I've been made to feel stupid and irresponsible.
H has been here a few times throughout the day for tools and other gadgets in the garage.
Well first of all, he tried to change things on me as far as taking all 3 boys with him for the next 5 days like he said he was. H said today that he was going to pick them up tomorrow, and he would only be taking S9 and S5 then coming back for the baby on Saturday. I didn't get upset with him, but I did tell H that in the future, I would appreciate it if he stuck to what he originally planned to do (he expects the same from me all the time, and I have been getting much, much better about it). H thought for a second and said, "Alright. I'll take them all tomorrow. Not a problem." I told him thank you and that this was so nice of him to do; I really appreciated it.
Anyhow, that's not what got me down. When he was here just an hour ago, he finally asked how I did when I went to play poker the other night. I told him I lost, and I told him how much. Now, everytime H has ever lost $$$, I have ALWAYS said, "Damn. That sucks!" in a very sympathetic way. I've NEVER been bent out of shape if he lost a LOAD of $$$$ because 1) it's not going to hurt us and 2) I was always trying to be understanding, sympathetic, and supportive of him.
Did I get that today? NO. I got, "You lost $$?!!" Then he turned his back on me and I said, "What's the problem?" H said while still walking away, "What a waste! You threw away perfectly good money." He was getting in his car and I sort of mumbled, "Like you've never lost 5 times as much before, right? Many times." H said, "What?" I just shook my head and said goodbye.
At first, I was pretty angry, but then it turned into me feeling so low , and it has donned (sp??) on me how very critical H can be. There have been many times where I've worked on some home projects, and if H didn't like it, he would say something like, "That looks like s**t!". I'd look at him, and he'd say, "Well, I'm sorry but it does."
Another example, my hair. It's got some natural curl to it, but H has always liked it when I straightened it. He would tell me, "You look better with your hair straight. Straighten it; I like it that way." Of course, I'd personalize (how can I not?) and think, "He doesn't think I'm that great with it curly." And he hated for me to cut my hair, but about 2 years ago, I told him, "It's my hair, and it's so much easier to take care of if it's a little shorter." He said, "Whatever then."
Ok, I have to go now and pick up S9 from Tae Kwon Do. Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Just wanted to say that I am feeling much better today !
I will try my HARDEST to not let H get to me like that again! Just another thing I need to let roll.
H knows -- more importantly, I KNOW -- I'm a good card player and I play responsibly, so maybe he was EXPECTING me to have won $$$ instead of losing it. Either way, there was NO valid reason for him to talk to me like that and turn his back on me. Very NON-supportive of him.
Here's to a better day -- and week !
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
It's official -- I have the next 4 days all to myself ! Well, kid-and-H-free that is !
H picked up the boys around 6pm. He called before coming to get them to tell me he was going to stop by MIL's first to drop something off for her. H was like his old self -- joking, upbeat, and flirty with me ! I won't go into detail with what he said, but it was very exciting , and I dared him to try it .
It's a good thing I wasn't expecting for anything to happen because it didn't . Oh well.
H also apologized to me over the phone for saying what he said about my poker loss. Maybe I should have just accepted his apology and left it at that, but I felt the need to say something about his comment and reaction and how it made me feel. I told H it hurt my feelings, and I asked him if there was ever a time when I blew up on him for losing any amount of $$$. H said he was really sorry, and no, there was never a moment when I did that or made him feel bad about his losses. H said, "I thought about that earlier, and that's why I wanted to apologize for it."
Then he said while sounding like he was half joking and half serious, "You need to start pulling your weight...Get a job." I was irked -- it just rubbed me the wrong way. I didn't say a word though. I didn't know what to say.
I really enjoy being a SAHM. It's what I always dreamed of being for as long as I can remember. My parents divorced when I was very young, and my mom was a single mother for nearly 10 years. She worked her a** off everyday, but she was never around for me. I rarely got to spend much time with her, so since I was about 12, I told myself I wasn't going to do that to my children. I wanted to be there for them all the time and everyday.
I did get a job when S9 was about 3 years old, and I couldn't stand leaving him with a babysitter. The way I see it is that no one will ever watch your kids and take care of them as well as you do.
The babysitter was a nice girl and a friend of SIL's, but my son was always VERY hungry when I got home from work. I don't think she was feeding him enough throughout the day. I talked to H about it, and since he worked in a slooow office by himself during that time, he said he would take S9 to work with him 4 days a week. I changed my availability status at work, and then a few months later, I became pregnant with S5 and had to be put on bedrest at 4 months, and ever since then, H and I do not trust anyone (other than family) to watch the kids.
I know one of my goals is to go back to school for a better kind of career, but I would like to wait until the baby is at least 2 or 3 years old. I have told H this in the past, and his response was, "You said you were going to go back to work when S5 got into kindergarten, and that didn't happen, did it?" There were also many times in the past when H said he DIDN'T want me to have to work. He said he wanted me to be home with the kids.....????
(Sigh).....Anyway, when H got here, he just kind of hung out for awhile and fooled around with the kids. He was also "playfully" getting in my way . I just laughed at it a little and kept packing the boys' things.
So for the most part, H was playful and pleasant while he was here. He was a bit of a smart a**, too, but that's just another one of H's flirty ways . He even lightly smacked my bottom while I was helping him put the kids' things in his car. I jokingly told him, "Don't do that." He said, " I just did." Smart a** LOL!!!
But then it was like someone flipped a switch all of a sudden. H seemed to become withdrawn then said, "Well....I guess I don't need to come by or call you for anything....Ummm....What are you going to do? I mean when are you going to your sister's?" I told him probably tomorrow but I wasn't sure yet. He looked like he was p*ssed. Then he got into the car, I started walking away but then turned back around to wave goodbye to the boys, and I saw H mouthing and gesturing to me, "Keep your f***ing phone on you!"
I know what he said, but I still said, "What?!" H rolled down his window and said irritatedly, "Keep your cell phone on you in case I need to get a hold of you!" I looked at him and said, "What's with your attitude, H?" H said, "I pay the bill, so just keep your phone on you....and make sure it's on!" Then he drove away.
Oooooooh , that man really knows how to get to me!....(Sigh).... It's a good thing I've learned to control my emotions -- in this case that would be my anger -- sooo much more. I'm getting better at it little by little .
Ok, so tomorrow morning, I'm going to P's house to get started on her baseboards. That way we'll only have the walls to do on Saturday. If I don't finish them tomorrow then I'll be there Friday, too, so maybe painting at my house will have to wait. That's ok though. Anything for my family .
I spoke with MIL briefly today, and she asked if I could help her paint her kitchen if she gets her vacation time next week. Geez -- I told her I'd get back to her on it since I was going to be painting all weekend at P's. I don't want to inhale too many paint fumes, you know ? She was talking about doing it Monday, but if she's willing to put it off til later in the week, then I'll be up for it.
Alright. Good night, everyone, and thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Quote: Then he said while sounding like he was half joking and half serious, "You need to start pulling your weight...Get a job." I was irked -- it just rubbed me the wrong way. I didn't say a word though. I didn't know what to say.
OOOOOooooooooooo!!!! That just makes my blood boil!!!!! H was pulling the same sh*t on me last autumn and now that I've got a job he has the nerve to say, "It's not like you need the job..." Suddenly it's not so important because it's not the kind of job he thought I'd get. I work weekends and he hates it! Too bad! Just like you I refuse to leave my babies with anyone except H! Too bloody bad if it interferes with his golfing!
Stick to your guns JV. You know what's best for you kids and H can't make you get a job.
Sorry, I just get so riled over this topic! Our children are THE most important thing not some minimum wage job!!! My H thought that with my employment background I'd get some high paying executive assistant position right away but I've been out of the workforce for nearly 10 years and NOBODY wanted me. It even made me angry because my skills were 10 fold what they had been. I ran a household of 7 people like clock work - you'd think that would count for something. Nope. So now I have a job at the local garden centre getting paid minimun wage and H is Mr. Mom ALL weekend, EVERY weekend. Serves him right!!!
OK, I think that's enough venting. Sorry for going off on one but I just can't help it!!!
Have a good day and an awesome time "on your own". I haven't the faintest idea what I'd do with all that "Scotti Time".
The cell phone issue is just a way for him to have a feeling of some control. I have learned in myself that due to insecurities I would exibit similar controlling behavior.
Your H fits this mold....specifically when you go away.
As for the poker.....maybe H felt agitated that you went to play alone after you had turned down a couple of invites from him. It may not have had anything to do with the dollars.
Scotti, I can relate with the blood boiling . Many times I wonder if I did get a job to please H because that would make HIM happy, what would I really be working for? It WOULD be a minimum wage job that would barely pay for our childcare costs. So, seriously, where's the plus side to that?
When I've brought up this concern to H, his solution is that I could work during the day and he'll watch the kids, and after I got home from work, he'd go off to play poker for a living.......I'm sorry, but that just wouldn't work for me. That wouldn't work for US because when would we ever be together as a family? When would we be together as H and W? It would be no different than how it has been. I still wouldn't have my H because he would be out every night.
Jet, I kinda figured that with the cell thing. It's the only way for him to get a hold of me when I'm out and about AND I'm sure it makes him feel better to be able to "check up" on me.
The poker deal -- I never thought of it like that, and you could be right.
Thanks to you both, Scotti and Jet!
--------------------------------
Journaling:
I was going through my last entry, and I recalled something I left out.
After we packed the kids into H's car, I was talking to them a little (telling S9 and S5 to behave themselves for Dad and help him out with the baby ), and I was also playing and laughing with the baby. H was getting some stuff from the garage and said to me after the flipping of the "mood" switch, "I was watching TV last night, and I remember thinking to myself that these were things you and I would've laughed at together." I gave H a smile but didn't say anything -- I didn't want to risk getting emotional because when I think about times like those, well...damn it, I'm beginning to cry now.
Ok, I'm alright now . Anyway, today's been a very trying day for me. H has been calling and complaining about the kids all day -- especially about the baby. He's been clingy and crying all day according to H.
I went through all the possibilities with H to figure out what was bothering him (the baby), but nothing seemed to be working. Then I told H that since I could hear how EXTREMELY frustrated he was, I was sure the baby could FEEL it, so I told him to calm down and be very patient with him.
H called me a few more times to "vent" , and unfortunately, I was getting irritated with him. I was trying to get the painting done at P's, and to be honest, I just didn't want to hear it anymore....so I fell off the DBing wagon .
H said, "I guess I'm just not used to being the provider and then turning into the caregiver overnight." I told him, "Well you'd better GET used to it." H said, "What do you mean?" I said, "It's not easy, is it? But I guess I don't know what I'm talking about since I'm not pulling my own weight, right? Because it seems what I do isn't important since it doesn't pay the bills."
Bad, bad, bad JV ...going back to the old bad habits there. I just lost control of my mouth at that moment, and it was very uncomfortably warm in P's house, too, so I'm sure that was adding to my crankiness.
But to my surprise, H didn't blow up on me or have anything smarta** to say in return. H said, "No, what you do IS important. I just meant that I'm not as good at it as you are. (Ya think??!!) I don't know how you handle it especially when (baby) gets like this." I told H, "I'm a mother, and I just do it. It's that simple."
I'm glad it didn't turn ugly, but I've got to be very careful to not get ugly myself!
Anyway, I almost caved in a couple times. I was going to tell H to bring the baby home, but he'd have to pick him up Saturday morning so I could still help P with the last of her painting, buuuuuuuut... ...then I thought about it and told myself, "Nope! H needs to do this!"
BTW, I talked with MIL again and asked her if she would be willing to paint on Wednesday instead of Monday, and she said yes. I also asked her if she could have the baby spend tomorrow night with her instead of S9 and S5 like she usually does every Friday, and she agreed. This way H can get at least one decent night's sleep !
Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
WOW JV you are good!!! I don't think that you did anything wrong in what you said to your H. Maybe he needed to hear it. I think it's a wake up call for our H's when they have to step into our shoes and take care of the kids for "real". My H has to do it every weekend! It's A LOT different than taking them to the park (or wherever) for a couple of hours!
Lots of postives JV. Hubby is taking the kid's more and spending lots more time with them. Even with the baby. Sometimes husbands don't have much patience for little ones like the baby is. I think that it is just natural that mom's do have more patience.
Also it sounds like he is paying attention to you with his flirting and trying to lead you into the bedroom. That is a big plus that shows he misses you in that way. It has been a long time now since that has happened hasn't it? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to give him a little taste of what he is missing.hehehe
Also with the cell phone situation it does show he wnats to check up on you. I am sure it can be a little annoying to you at times. But it does show he cares and is worried of what you may be doing. You did GREAT at creating a little mystery and giving him something to wonder about. Good for you for getting away!! But try to think of it like this.He knows he has a great thing... he thinks your sexy and desirable...and a good wife. That is why he is worried and questions you. He is fearful someone else will see that in you to.
About the job issue. Jv it sounds like this is an important issue to him. So maybe try not to get to angry or defensive about it. I don't why but this issue was also important to my husband. I was pulling my share I felt like in the home. But deep down he just didn't see it that way. There was just a part of him that was resentful that he had the responsibility of getting up and having to go to work. I am working now so he should be thrilled. But even now he don't seem to respect me anymore then he did before. Nw he doesn't pull HIS weight around the house. So I guess I would explore this more if he is truely resentful about this. I let the resentment build for years. Because I wanted to be with my children and stood my ground. Which I think led to other issues between us. If he offered to watch the kid's while you work he must be pretty serious about it. It could be the way he was raised that both spouses should work. Not sure why some men see this in such a way. Because like my husband was raised baptist. And it is biblical for the woman to be in the home and raise the children and take care of the home. He still thinks it is the woman's job to take care of the home. But she should work also.
! Scared the you know what out of me 
!
. H said he agreed.
. Actually, I have been meaning to paint the living room. This would be the perfect opportunity to do so 
. The new bedroom door still needs to be painted as well. Geez, then I have to go paint at P's house, too, this weekend! Oh boy! 
!
! I won't go into detail with what he said, but it was very exciting 
LOL!!!
Not sure why some men see this in such a way. Because like my husband was raised baptist. And it is biblical for the woman to be in the home and raise the children and take care of the home. He still thinks it is the woman's job to take care of the home. But she should work also.