Trying to find MY way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

It's official -- I have the next 4 days all to myself ! Well, kid-and-H-free that is !

H picked up the boys around 6pm. He called before coming to get them to tell me he was going to stop by MIL's first to drop something off for her. H was like his old self -- joking, upbeat, and flirty with me ! I won't go into detail with what he said, but it was very exciting , and I dared him to try it .

It's a good thing I wasn't expecting for anything to happen because it didn't . Oh well.

H also apologized to me over the phone for saying what he said about my poker loss. Maybe I should have just accepted his apology and left it at that, but I felt the need to say something about his comment and reaction and how it made me feel. I told H it hurt my feelings, and I asked him if there was ever a time when I blew up on him for losing any amount of $$$. H said he was really sorry, and no, there was never a moment when I did that or made him feel bad about his losses. H said, "I thought about that earlier, and that's why I wanted to apologize for it."

Then he said while sounding like he was half joking and half serious, "You need to start pulling your weight...Get a job." I was irked -- it just rubbed me the wrong way. I didn't say a word though. I didn't know what to say.

I really enjoy being a SAHM. It's what I always dreamed of being for as long as I can remember. My parents divorced when I was very young, and my mom was a single mother for nearly 10 years. She worked her a** off everyday, but she was never around for me. I rarely got to spend much time with her, so since I was about 12, I told myself I wasn't going to do that to my children. I wanted to be there for them all the time and everyday.

I did get a job when S9 was about 3 years old, and I couldn't stand leaving him with a babysitter. The way I see it is that no one will ever watch your kids and take care of them as well as you do.

The babysitter was a nice girl and a friend of SIL's, but my son was always VERY hungry when I got home from work. I don't think she was feeding him enough throughout the day. I talked to H about it, and since he worked in a slooow office by himself during that time, he said he would take S9 to work with him 4 days a week. I changed my availability status at work, and then a few months later, I became pregnant with S5 and had to be put on bedrest at 4 months, and ever since then, H and I do not trust anyone (other than family) to watch the kids.

I know one of my goals is to go back to school for a better kind of career, but I would like to wait until the baby is at least 2 or 3 years old. I have told H this in the past, and his response was, "You said you were going to go back to work when S5 got into kindergarten, and that didn't happen, did it?" There were also many times in the past when H said he DIDN'T want me to have to work. He said he wanted me to be home with the kids.....????

(Sigh).....Anyway, when H got here, he just kind of hung out for awhile and fooled around with the kids. He was also "playfully" getting in my way . I just laughed at it a little and kept packing the boys' things.

So for the most part, H was playful and pleasant while he was here. He was a bit of a smart a**, too, but that's just another one of H's flirty ways . He even lightly smacked my bottom while I was helping him put the kids' things in his car. I jokingly told him, "Don't do that." He said, " I just did." Smart a** LOL!!!

But then it was like someone flipped a switch all of a sudden. H seemed to become withdrawn then said, "Well....I guess I don't need to come by or call you for anything....Ummm....What are you going to do? I mean when are you going to your sister's?" I told him probably tomorrow but I wasn't sure yet. He looked like he was p*ssed. Then he got into the car, I started walking away but then turned back around to wave goodbye to the boys, and I saw H mouthing and gesturing to me, "Keep your f***ing phone on you!"

I know what he said, but I still said, "What?!" H rolled down his window and said irritatedly, "Keep your cell phone on you in case I need to get a hold of you!" I looked at him and said, "What's with your attitude, H?" H said, "I pay the bill, so just keep your phone on you....and make sure it's on!" Then he drove away.

Oooooooh , that man really knows how to get to me!....(Sigh).... It's a good thing I've learned to control my emotions -- in this case that would be my anger -- sooo much more. I'm getting better at it little by little .

Ok, so tomorrow morning, I'm going to P's house to get started on her baseboards. That way we'll only have the walls to do on Saturday. If I don't finish them tomorrow then I'll be there Friday, too, so maybe painting at my house will have to wait. That's ok though. Anything for my family .

I spoke with MIL briefly today, and she asked if I could help her paint her kitchen if she gets her vacation time next week. Geez -- I told her I'd get back to her on it since I was going to be painting all weekend at P's. I don't want to inhale too many paint fumes, you know ? She was talking about doing it Monday, but if she's willing to put it off til later in the week, then I'll be up for it.

Alright. Good night, everyone, and thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."