Trying to find MY way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Hey there, Kim!

I'm so happy to hear that you and D had a great time ! You know what? I've NEVER been to a concert before, so I'm REALLY looking forward to going to the one on the 12th with my sisters and some of their old friends. Sort of another Girls' Night Out !

...I now believe more than ever that his wife is CRAZY for letting him go! I actually think the woman needs to get her head examined.

I think all WASs need to ! Ok...maybe some of us LBSs, too, but they need it more !

Thanks for dropping by, Kim. Your support means a LOT!!

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Journaling:

Another great weekend for me ! I didn't do a whole lot, but it was so nice to just have "JV time" .

Friday night, I went over to my friend's place and chatted with her and another one of our friends for a few hours, had a couple of drinks during all that, and then came home to get some very much needed sleep .

Saturday, after sleeping in a bit , I decided I wanted to go to IKEA in Emeryville since I hadn't been there since some time last year. I didn't have anything in particular that I wanted to look at; just wanted to browse, I guess. I did see a poster that I liked, so I bought it along with a frame to put it in, and I also bought a set of multicolored tealight candle holders (I love candles!).

While I was there, my cell rang. I figured it was H because he called the house a couple of times before I left, but I didn't answer or return his calls. I didn't think it was necessary at the moment because from his messages on the machine, he said he just wanted to let me know how he did with poker on Friday and nothing more. Anyway, my cell rang, and it's H telling me that he's been trying to get a hold of me all day. He told me he called the house a few times, my cell a few more (I only heard it this one time), and he even called my parents' house ! That surprised me quite a bit since H said he felt like he was never going to be able to talk to or see my parents again (after I told him they knew everything).

Anyway, H started telling me how he did with poker Friday night (he made $2K ) then came the interrogation about what I did for the night. Ok, so I try to be vague and give as little details as possible, and well, I should've known better -- H was getting irritated with me. "Why won't you tell me what you did?! Why are you being so secretive?! What are you hiding?!".....Ok, before all that, he asked me, "So what did you do last night?" I said, "I went over to FF's place." H asked, "What did you do over there?" I told him, "Not much. We just talked and had some drinks." H then said, "Hmmm....how many people were there?"

Here's where it gets bad because I probably shouldn't have done this, but anyway, I became irritated with all the "dissecting" H was attempting -- I know my H, and he was trying to get every single, little detail that he possibly could out of me -- so I said, "H, do I ask you about what you do when you go out? Do I try to dig into you for every bit of information about what you did? No, I don't." H was quiet for a sec then said, "I'm only trying to have a conversation with you." Please -- I KNOW it was so much more than that ! I told him, "Well, the way you're asking me these things makes me feel like you're questioning my every move, and I don't appreciate it. I'm sorry to say it, but you sound an awful lot like your mother right now." Then that's where he got upset. I listened to him for awhile then I told H, "Look. I'm in the store right now, and I really would rather not listen to you go off on me. I'm going to continue enjoying my weekend and my time here at IKEA, then I'm probably going to stop by the (card room) and play for a bit since I haven't in a while. After that, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll stay home, or maybe I won't. But if you want to continue this conversation, it's going to have to be at another time when you can remain calm because I'm not doing this with you. Not here, not now. Goodbye." H said goodbye, too, then we hung up.

So yeah, I went to play a little poker myself yesterday . I thought why not? I hadn't gone in a while. I lost some $$, but it was no big deal. It was just nice to get out and have some kind of fun . It was also nice to be the only lady at the table getting some pleasant attention !

I got home about 10pm and went to sleep. I told my sister P I would be at her house by 10am to help her start painting and packing away some "clutter". So that's what I did for today -- went to P's house and helped her. We also went to check out the model home of the house she and BIL are getting in a few months.

After stopping for ice cream (yum !) per my niece's request, we went back to their house to finish up for the day. I noticed I had a missed call so I called H to see if it was him -- it was. He wanted to know if I would be back in time to get the boys from my parents, and I told him yes.

Yesterday, H told me that he was going to pick up S9 and S5 to spend tonight with him, but I talked to him earlier today to see if he would be able to pick the baby up, too, and wait at the house for me if I should be back too late, and he said, "Well, I was going to go play cards tonight." I'm thinking, "Ooookaaayyy...you told me differently yesterday," but I didn't say anything about it and just asked if he would be able to or not. H said yes he could and for me to call him to let him know.

Back to the latest phone call. H also told me he just got into it with MIL because she was irritating him with a bunch of questions about the sitch.

Ok, let me go back again (geez, another long post here ). When the decision to S was made, I started getting bombarded with questions from MIL and SIL. Now, I know they mean well and they're just concerned because they care, but it was too much for me. So I asked them to back off. I told them I just needed time to myself and with my family right now. In an email, SIL said, "Well, I thought we were your family, too, but fine. Whatever, JV. Just let me know when I can see my nephews."

In a reply, I told her, "There's no need for that kind of attitude (she is a LOT like H ). Yes, you guys are my family, too, but right now, I really need this time to myself. I have so much going through my mind, and I need to sort through it all. Please try to understand, and whenever you want to see the boys, call H and arrange it with him. I would like for him to have more responsibility with the kids as far as carting them around and taking them where they need to go. He's not traveling anymore, so it shouldn't be a problem."

SIL's response: "Whatever. I will leave you alone. Take care."..... ....(Rolling eyes).... .

MIL wasn't like that at all. She said she understood and would do what I asked, but from what H told me earlier tonight, it sounded otherwise.

He said he got into it with MIL because she started asking him all kinds of questions again today. Apparently while I was at P's house, MIL called the house (instead of H like I asked, but oh well) to see if she could see the boys. Obviously I didn't call her back since I wasn't here. Well, when she finally talked to H today, he said she had an attitude about not being able to see them today and about not being told the kids were going to be at my parents' for the weekend.....Umm, excuse me??? Since when do I owe an explanation for where MY children are going to be??? AAANNNDDD she just had them over Friday afternoon!! She has them EVERY Friday! So what was the problem?? Oh, I see. MIL wants what she wants when she wants it -- just like H .

H said she went on and on about not understanding why I wanted space from her then asked him what was going on with us, have we been fighting, are we getting a D, blah blah blah, and she's taking all of it personally and was crying. H said he got sick of it and yelled at her to stop asking him stuff. H told her, "Don't mention JV's name to me again! Don't ask me how's she's doing! Don't ask me about anything!" H also told me that MIL said, "I don't understand how JV can just cut me out like this. After everything that I do for you guys....she doesn't appreciate any of it."...Now THAT really ticked me off ! I have always appreciated everything MIL has done for us and told her each and every time -- ALWAYS!! THIS just didn't sound like MIL at all to me.

There was also an incident with SIL on Friday with her "bratty" attitude, so the whole MIL sitch put me over the edge. I finally told H, "Do me a favor, ok? Don't tell me about what your mom and your sister have to say anymore because all it does is make me ANGRY! It doesn't make me angry with you; it makes me angry with them! I have explained to them what I need and would like, but they don't get it. It just doesn't seem to register with them at all. So please. I don't want to hear it anymore." H said, "I know! How do you think I feel? I went off on my mom, and now I feel like an a**hole."....Well, he probably deserved to feel that way. Nobody should talk to their mother the way H does sometimes.

(Ok, are you still awake? I'm almost done -- I think !)

So I told H I was leaving P's house and not to worry about the boys then we said bye. Ok, my blood was boiling , and I wanted to put an end to all of this BS once and for all so I called MIL while driving to my parents'. It was a loooooooooong convo that got a little intense at first, but we made it through ok. MIL said she felt better to hear it from me that my needing time and space had nothing to do with her personally (although now I'm not so sure ). I also found out that she NEVER said that I didn't appreciate anything she ever did for us; she said H said that ( )! MIL said she has ALWAYS known that I've been grateful to her for everything .

MIL also said that H made her really cry because when he was yelling at her, he told her SHE ruined his life by not going to college, getting a better job, and for marrying such a piece of s**t (his dad) ! OMG, I couldn't believe he said that to her. What an ASS!!! Hey -- I HAD to spell it out this time .

I told her what she already knew in her heart -- that she did the best she could, and I also told her not to pay any attention to H when he talks that kind of crap because the truth is if he feels his life is ruined, then he has no one else to blame but himself. He will never admit it (at least not any time soon), and he will continue to blame everyone but himself. Me, MIL, his dad, and whoever else makes him angry.

AAARRGGHH!!!!! Too much drama!!!!

I'm so disgusted with H right now. For talking to his own mother like that, and for lying about MIL saying I never appreciated her when it was him who said it. What an ASS!

(Sigh).... I can't believe I'm still awake ! Time to get to sleep. Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."