So glad to hear that you had such a good time this weekend! I understand your feelings about not feeling as scared anymore if you decided that you wanted to "call it quits". In the beginning, a part of me desperately wanted to save my marriage and do whatever it took to make my H happy... Another part of me kept asking myself whether I should be putting up with this insanity and asking myself if I had lost my mind? The truth is that despite all that my H had done and said, I still found myself longing for him and to snap himself out of this tempoary insanity long enough to put his arms around me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. However, the more I tried to convince my H that he was overreacting or undervaluing the good things in our marriage, the more he pulled away and blamed me for our problems. I think there was a part of me that needed to be able to tell myself that I tried everything I possibly could to save my marriage, as well as an important lesson that I hoped to teach my stepkids in that you must do whatever you can to make a marriage work. The truth is that I was unhappy in my marriage too, just in denial over the "gloomy" shape of our relationship. When at the end of our seperation, I knew that my H still wanted a divorce, I simply told him that I loved him enough that I was prepared to let him go and I have now backed off from him completely. In letting go, I know that I must follow through b/c I will lose all of my credibility if I go back to trying to change his mind.
In a way, I almost see your husband DBing you now. It seems he is "acting as if" and is changing his behavior. He went from CONSTANTLY talking about his feelings of wanting to come home to now no longer talking about missing you completely. Is HE reading Divorce Busting? It's "as if" he is trying to make you react differently, by doing something completely out of the ordinary.
It seems that you have usually taken the role of always assuming responsibilty for making things better in your marriage... Now that you are taking this well-deserved break, it will give your H the opportunity to notice that you are not trying to "fix" things anymore. It does seem that your H realizes that when he was recently pressuring you to have him come home that it was causing you to push even farther away. It is almost as if the tables have been turned here, JV. It does seem that your H is now DBing you... He is trying to become more upbeat in your presence... He is APPEARING to be pleased with himself and his own life... These are things that the DB book tells US to do... Now, YOU have to decide what it is that JV wants... Hang in there, JV... -KIM
Hi, Kim. Thanks for the visit and sharing your thoughts with me. I do appreciate it.
It DOES seem as if H is the one DBing now , but I seriously doubt he's reading anything! H isn't into reading books unless they have something to do with poker .
Quote: It seems that you have usually taken the role of always assuming responsibility for making things better in your marriage...
H would say this was always his role, and I'd have to agree. I was the one who always held onto a grudge after a disagreement , and H was always the one to initiate a truce. Only after reading DR was when I assumed that responsibility for obvious reasons.
My, my....it sure does look like the tables have turned, doesn't it?
I did forget to mention in my journal last night that when I thanked H again for watching the kids, I gave him a hug, but I don't think H cared for it. It felt like he was only doing it because it's what I wanted. Oh well.
It's going to take me some time to figure out what I really want because I'm just not certain right now. I would like to be a family (H included), but like I've said before, I feel like I've been a single mother for so long, so what would be different if H were out of the picture? Nothing would. I know he wouldn't be completely out because of the kids, and the grandkids, etc to come in the future, but nothing would really be any different. The only thing that has changed is we don't share a bed anymore. Oh, and he says he's happier now.
I've also noticed that he hasn't been wearing his ring again, and he still hasn't picked up the new one either.
BTW, I was right -- H called about an hour ago and said he would be picking the boys up at 1pm. He said he has to go to Sacramento (gee, he sure does have to go there a lot, huh?) but didn't say what for.....hmmm.....it sounded to me like H had a LATE night again, so yes, I'm ASSuming he was still in bed when he called and is picking them up later so he can get some more sleep.
Ugh....I just feel like I've been unloved by and unimportant to my H for too long....I want to feel those feelings again....it's the time and patience thing that's killing me....again.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
H called earlier to say hi and to tell me how he did with poker and at the gym. He also said he wants S9 and S5 to spend the night with him tonight.
Before we said goodbye, H asked, "Do you think the boys still love me?" I was stunned for a second and told him, "Yes! Why wouldn't they?" H said, "I just wonder how this is for them....Will you ask them about it?" I told H if he wanted to know then he should probably be the one to ask. He said alright and he would.
A few hours ago, the boys and I were driving back home from the store, and H's concern popped back into my mind, so I asked S9 and S5, "Boys,...how do you feel about Daddy and Mommy not living together right now? Does it make you feel sad, happy, or just ok? How do you feel?" S9 said nothing, but S5 said rather quickly, "Sad." Then S9 said that he felt sad about it, too, and S5 asked me when is Dad going to come back home because he wants "to be a family again".
I did my best to explain to them that it didn't mean we weren't a family just because Dad wasn't in the house with us right now. I told them how sometimes Moms and Dads just need to take a break from each other -- like when S9 and S5 have to be put apart from each other when things get not-so-nice between them. I told them we are still a family because we care and love each other very much. No matter what happens. I told them H and I may live together again or we may not, but either way, we still love them both so much, and none of this is their fault. It's nothing they did or said; it's just stuff that Daddy and I have to try to work out for what's best for all of us. I said, "Ok?", and they said ok.
I had no idea they were sad about this. I just couldn't see it, and now when I think about the past 2 1/2 weeks, they have seemed to be a little more unruly. I mean, I know "boys will be boys", but they have been acting up a bit more with each other and not listening right away when I tell them to do something.
Any thoughts please? And should I mention this to H? Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Hi JV - I'd say let H own his problems and don't intefere. I saw how your offer to help with posting his resume became an expectation and then was used to hound you - this guy seems to be all over the place. Let him figure this out with the boys. Be the best mum you can, and take it from there.
Thank you, Slowly. I felt the same, but I needed to hear it come from someone else.
H definitely is all over the place (I might be, too ). He asked me for more help today, and...well...it got ugly.
I think I mentioned in a past post that we're refinancing (can't remember). Well, H needed a letter from (STBX-boss) stating that H is his employee, blah blah blah. H said he was trying all morning to get a hold of (STBX-boss), but he wasn't calling H back (how nice of him ). Anyway, H took it upon himself to concoct a letter from (STBX-boss) because H wanted to give it to the loan company before closing (I know, I know -- to say the least, I wasn't very pleased about H doing that -- UGH).
So the favor H wanted from me was to look it over and give my opinion of it. I guess he wanted to know if it looked "professional" or business-like enough. Well, I showed him some things I thought he should change (OMG, how embarrassing -- I helped with something dishonest ), and I guess I was too critical about it.
Then this is where it got pretty bad. H was trying to space evenly, but instead of using the Tab key, he kept using the space bar, and it wasn't coming out right. I would tell him it didn't look right so try again with the Tab key, but he kept on with the space bar....What a STUPID kind of disagreement to have!....He got REALLY upset with me telling him to use the Tab and shouted to me that I made him feel like an idiot because he's not great with the keyboard and typing like I am. I shouted back that I wasn't trying to make him feel that way, and that I was only trying to help. He asked for my opinion, and that is what I was trying to give him, but he didn't like it, thought I was being too critical, and he got angry with me. I told H I was upset about this whole dumb thing (forging a letter), and I didn't appreciate him calling me before he got here, asking SOOO NICELY for my help, then acts like an a**hole because I stopped and refused to help him anymore after yelling at me.
Then H shouted (a**holishly), "I'm sorry! Will you please come over here and help me finish this?!" I told him no. I said, "I can't stand it when you call me and ask for my help with something, and you're always nice about it, but when it's not done when or how you expect it to be, you act so mean to me. So, no. Do it yourself."
H turned his back to me and said, "See, this is why I don't want to be around you."....Ouch and Grrr !!!....I tried. I really tried to bite it, buuut....I said, "Then get going! Get out of here. (mf)'s got a computer at his place, so why are you doing this here when you don't have to?" H said, "Because I need the fax machine, and I asked you to help me, and you said you would." I told H he could've gone to Kinko's or some other place; he didn't have to come here, and I told him I knew I said I would help him, but if he was going to be an a** and blow up on me, then he needed to leave because I didn't need that kind of BS. I also told him that if being around me was a problem, then we should set up a visitation schedule so we wouldn't see each other as much. H looked at me and said, "Hah! You're crazy! I'm not following any kind of schedule. I'll come by when I want." I told him he'd better watch it and not go there . There were quite a few times after the bomb dropped when H said, "I wish you just go into b**** mode and tell me to go to he**." I reminded H of him saying that, and I told him I'm about 2 steps away from being there.....he didn't say anything for the next 5 minutes.
After that, H started apologizing. He said he wasn't trying to be nice to get me to help him out; he said he really wanted my help because I'm a lot better with Word than he is, and he was very sorry for being such an a**hole. He thought I was calling him an idiot when he was doing it differently than how I was trying to show him. I told him I never said that nor did I think he was one; all I said was that he was making it harder by not using the Tab key. H said he was sorry again, and he said he would listen to me from now on -- yeah right ! Shoot....I should've got that on tape or in writing.
After that ridiculous argument, he left to go to the gym then came back 2 hours later to pick up S9 and S5 for a few more hours. H also gave me a hug and a kiss on my forehead before they left. That hasn't happened in awhile, and I'm not sure how I felt about it. Maybe a little empty.
Anyway, I might see if my parents will watch the kids on Saturday. P's going to start taking things off the walls at her house, so I was thinking of going over to help her. She said they might just start painting then, too.
There's also a high energy concert coming to Sacramento on the 12th that my sisters want to go to, so I'm looking forward to it even though that kind of music was a little before my time (cough, cough ). Well, it was!
Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Not a whole lot to talk about. H has been pleasant with me. He needed more help today with filing out an unemployment form he received in the mail. He can do these things on his own -- he just likes to have me there to make sure he's not missing anything.
Anyway, I talked to my mom today, and the kids will be spending the whole weekend with her and my stepdad. Another weekend to myself ??!!! Oh, what to do, what to do??!!!
I emailed P to see if she'd like any help this weekend at her house with prepping it for painting; still waiting to hear from her. Well, if anything, I know I'll sleep better! The baby's been waking up every hour or two during the last 5 nights . He's ok as far as everything else goes, so hopefully it's a just some sort of phase he's going through.
I called H to let him know about the kids going to my parents' for the weekend, and he asked me if I was ok with that...???...and I told him yes. Why wouldn't I be? I asked him if HE was ok with it, and he said yeah. He also asked me what I was going to be doing this weekend with them gone, and I just told him I didn't know yet.
Whatever it is, I hope I have some more relaxing fun ! Have a good weekend, all, and thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Glad to hear that the interaction with your H was pleasant! I think that it is very important that if you and your H end up trying to work things out after your seperation, that you both continue to do loving things everyday and not take each other for granted. It seems that the couples who have the hardest time staying on track are the ones who think being right is more important than being happy together. Also, if you do get back "on track" with your marriage, be sure to keep the lines of communication open! I strongly believe that successful couples have to learn how to communicate around their differences constructively. Hopefully after your seperation ends, your H will also be able to take a kinder and more supportive approach to your differences. IMHO... if your marriage is going to improve, you need to be clear about what you want to be different in your marriage, so that when the time is right, the two of you can work on it together. Both of you can then be more careful and thoughtful about how you treat one another.
Thank you for responding on my post the other night! The Beck concert was GREAT and DMF is ALOT of fun! I now believe more than ever that his wife is CRAZY for letting him go! I actually think the woman needs to get her head examined.
JV... Hope you are having a WONDERFUL weekend! Enjoy some well-deserved "JV time" while your children are with your parents! Hope to talk with you again soon! -OC Kim
I'm so happy to hear that you and D had a great time ! You know what? I've NEVER been to a concert before, so I'm REALLY looking forward to going to the one on the 12th with my sisters and some of their old friends. Sort of another Girls' Night Out !
Quote: ...I now believe more than ever that his wife is CRAZY for letting him go! I actually think the woman needs to get her head examined.
I think all WASs need to ! Ok...maybe some of us LBSs, too, but they need it more !
Thanks for dropping by, Kim. Your support means a LOT!!
------------------------------------
Journaling:
Another great weekend for me ! I didn't do a whole lot, but it was so nice to just have "JV time" .
Friday night, I went over to my friend's place and chatted with her and another one of our friends for a few hours, had a couple of drinks during all that, and then came home to get some very much needed sleep .
Saturday, after sleeping in a bit , I decided I wanted to go to IKEA in Emeryville since I hadn't been there since some time last year. I didn't have anything in particular that I wanted to look at; just wanted to browse, I guess. I did see a poster that I liked, so I bought it along with a frame to put it in, and I also bought a set of multicolored tealight candle holders (I love candles!).
While I was there, my cell rang. I figured it was H because he called the house a couple of times before I left, but I didn't answer or return his calls. I didn't think it was necessary at the moment because from his messages on the machine, he said he just wanted to let me know how he did with poker on Friday and nothing more. Anyway, my cell rang, and it's H telling me that he's been trying to get a hold of me all day. He told me he called the house a few times, my cell a few more (I only heard it this one time), and he even called my parents' house ! That surprised me quite a bit since H said he felt like he was never going to be able to talk to or see my parents again (after I told him they knew everything).
Anyway, H started telling me how he did with poker Friday night (he made $2K ) then came the interrogation about what I did for the night. Ok, so I try to be vague and give as little details as possible, and well, I should've known better -- H was getting irritated with me. "Why won't you tell me what you did?! Why are you being so secretive?! What are you hiding?!".....Ok, before all that, he asked me, "So what did you do last night?" I said, "I went over to FF's place." H asked, "What did you do over there?" I told him, "Not much. We just talked and had some drinks." H then said, "Hmmm....how many people were there?"
Here's where it gets bad because I probably shouldn't have done this, but anyway, I became irritated with all the "dissecting" H was attempting -- I know my H, and he was trying to get every single, little detail that he possibly could out of me -- so I said, "H, do I ask you about what you do when you go out? Do I try to dig into you for every bit of information about what you did? No, I don't." H was quiet for a sec then said, "I'm only trying to have a conversation with you." Please -- I KNOW it was so much more than that ! I told him, "Well, the way you're asking me these things makes me feel like you're questioning my every move, and I don't appreciate it. I'm sorry to say it, but you sound an awful lot like your mother right now." Then that's where he got upset. I listened to him for awhile then I told H, "Look. I'm in the store right now, and I really would rather not listen to you go off on me. I'm going to continue enjoying my weekend and my time here at IKEA, then I'm probably going to stop by the (card room) and play for a bit since I haven't in a while. After that, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll stay home, or maybe I won't. But if you want to continue this conversation, it's going to have to be at another time when you can remain calm because I'm not doing this with you. Not here, not now. Goodbye." H said goodbye, too, then we hung up.
So yeah, I went to play a little poker myself yesterday . I thought why not? I hadn't gone in a while. I lost some $$, but it was no big deal. It was just nice to get out and have some kind of fun . It was also nice to be the only lady at the table getting some pleasant attention !
I got home about 10pm and went to sleep. I told my sister P I would be at her house by 10am to help her start painting and packing away some "clutter". So that's what I did for today -- went to P's house and helped her. We also went to check out the model home of the house she and BIL are getting in a few months.
After stopping for ice cream (yum !) per my niece's request, we went back to their house to finish up for the day. I noticed I had a missed call so I called H to see if it was him -- it was. He wanted to know if I would be back in time to get the boys from my parents, and I told him yes.
Yesterday, H told me that he was going to pick up S9 and S5 to spend tonight with him, but I talked to him earlier today to see if he would be able to pick the baby up, too, and wait at the house for me if I should be back too late, and he said, "Well, I was going to go play cards tonight." I'm thinking, "Ooookaaayyy...you told me differently yesterday," but I didn't say anything about it and just asked if he would be able to or not. H said yes he could and for me to call him to let him know.
Back to the latest phone call. H also told me he just got into it with MIL because she was irritating him with a bunch of questions about the sitch.
Ok, let me go back again (geez, another long post here ). When the decision to S was made, I started getting bombarded with questions from MIL and SIL. Now, I know they mean well and they're just concerned because they care, but it was too much for me. So I asked them to back off. I told them I just needed time to myself and with my family right now. In an email, SIL said, "Well, I thought we were your family, too, but fine. Whatever, JV. Just let me know when I can see my nephews."
In a reply, I told her, "There's no need for that kind of attitude (she is a LOT like H ). Yes, you guys are my family, too, but right now, I really need this time to myself. I have so much going through my mind, and I need to sort through it all. Please try to understand, and whenever you want to see the boys, call H and arrange it with him. I would like for him to have more responsibility with the kids as far as carting them around and taking them where they need to go. He's not traveling anymore, so it shouldn't be a problem."
SIL's response: "Whatever. I will leave you alone. Take care."..... ....(Rolling eyes).... .
MIL wasn't like that at all. She said she understood and would do what I asked, but from what H told me earlier tonight, it sounded otherwise.
He said he got into it with MIL because she started asking him all kinds of questions again today. Apparently while I was at P's house, MIL called the house (instead of H like I asked, but oh well) to see if she could see the boys. Obviously I didn't call her back since I wasn't here. Well, when she finally talked to H today, he said she had an attitude about not being able to see them today and about not being told the kids were going to be at my parents' for the weekend.....Umm, excuse me??? Since when do I owe an explanation for where MY children are going to be??? AAANNNDDD she just had them over Friday afternoon!! She has them EVERY Friday! So what was the problem?? Oh, I see. MIL wants what she wants when she wants it -- just like H .
H said she went on and on about not understanding why I wanted space from her then asked him what was going on with us, have we been fighting, are we getting a D, blah blah blah, and she's taking all of it personally and was crying. H said he got sick of it and yelled at her to stop asking him stuff. H told her, "Don't mention JV's name to me again! Don't ask me how's she's doing! Don't ask me about anything!" H also told me that MIL said, "I don't understand how JV can just cut me out like this. After everything that I do for you guys....she doesn't appreciate any of it."...Now THAT really ticked me off ! I have always appreciated everything MIL has done for us and told her each and every time -- ALWAYS!! THIS just didn't sound like MIL at all to me.
There was also an incident with SIL on Friday with her "bratty" attitude, so the whole MIL sitch put me over the edge. I finally told H, "Do me a favor, ok? Don't tell me about what your mom and your sister have to say anymore because all it does is make me ANGRY! It doesn't make me angry with you; it makes me angry with them! I have explained to them what I need and would like, but they don't get it. It just doesn't seem to register with them at all. So please. I don't want to hear it anymore." H said, "I know! How do you think I feel? I went off on my mom, and now I feel like an a**hole."....Well, he probably deserved to feel that way. Nobody should talk to their mother the way H does sometimes.
(Ok, are you still awake? I'm almost done -- I think !)
So I told H I was leaving P's house and not to worry about the boys then we said bye. Ok, my blood was boiling, and I wanted to put an end to all of this BS once and for all so I called MIL while driving to my parents'. It was a loooooooooong convo that got a little intense at first, but we made it through ok. MIL said she felt better to hear it from me that my needing time and space had nothing to do with her personally (although now I'm not so sure ). I also found out that she NEVER said that I didn't appreciate anything she ever did for us; she said H said that ( )! MIL said she has ALWAYS known that I've been grateful to her for everything .
MIL also said that H made her really cry because when he was yelling at her, he told her SHE ruined his life by not going to college, getting a better job, and for marrying such a piece of s**t (his dad) ! OMG, I couldn't believe he said that to her. What an ASS!!! Hey -- I HAD to spell it out this time .
I told her what she already knew in her heart -- that she did the best she could, and I also told her not to pay any attention to H when he talks that kind of crap because the truth is if he feels his life is ruined, then he has no one else to blame but himself. He will never admit it (at least not any time soon), and he will continue to blame everyone but himself. Me, MIL, his dad, and whoever else makes him angry.
AAARRGGHH!!!!! Too much drama!!!!
I'm so disgusted with H right now. For talking to his own mother like that, and for lying about MIL saying I never appreciated her when it was him who said it. What an ASS!
(Sigh).... I can't believe I'm still awake ! Time to get to sleep. Thanks for listening.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Hi JV. I've finally caught up with your most current post Quite the dose of drama for you. I have to say that I'm impressed that you've managed to keep it together! If I had been in your position I'm sure the "old me" would have taken over and there would have been hell to pay! Good for you for holding your own and not killing anyone!
Quote: Hi JV. I've finally caught up with your most current post
LOL LOL LOL!!! Give yourself a VERY well-deserved pat on the back for making it through that one !
Quote: Quite the dose of drama for you. I have to say that I'm impressed that you've managed to keep it together! If I had been in your position I'm sure the "old me" would have taken over and there would have been hell to pay!
Thanks, Scotti, and I'm sure if I reverted back to the "old JV", I would've suffered the same consequences !
Quote: Good for you for holding your own and not killing anyone!
I was THIS close! LOL!! H is still treading on VERY thin ice with me, so he'd better watch it .
Thanks for the visit and vote of confidence, Scotti !
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
I do appreciate it.
, but I seriously doubt he's reading anything! H isn't into reading books unless they have something to do with poker 
.
??!!! Oh, what to do, what to do??!!! 
