Journaling:

Well, I already wrote about my weekend, so now about H.

He was actually here (at the house) last night -- I thought he would've been at his place with the kids, but oh well.

When I was leaving P's house last night, I turned on my cell phone since I was sure I'd have service there, and wouldn't you know it? It rang immediately . I didn't answer -- I just knew it was H -- but I called his cell about 10 minutes later. I asked him if he called, and he said yes. He wanted to know if it was alright for him to eat something out of the fridge. I said, "Oh, you're at the house?" He said yes but didn't say why nor did I ask.

H started telling me how tired HE was, how S9 was acting up a lot, and how the baby did nothing but fuss all weekend. S9 was mostly picking on S5, being picky about eating and not wanting to finish eating. H said the baby was clingy the whole time -- wanting to be held, rocked to sleep, and just crying here and there.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.......poor H , and he only had them for 3 1/2 days. Hmm.....maybe I should plan a week-long vacation next time . LOL!! Just kidding!

Well, my service kept cutting in and out, so I told H I would see him in less than an hour. I then called him when I was only 10 minutes away to see if he'd like for me to stop and get him something, and he said no thanks. H just wanted to leave when I got here to get himself a burger (ok, didn't I just ask him if I could get him anything??? Oohhh wellll) and a 6-pack so he could pass out and get some sleep -- H said he slept horribly the whole weekend because the boys hogged the bed.

Anyway, when I got here, I unloaded my things and took them inside. H offered to help, but I told him no thanks, I got it all. Then he started going on again about his very tiring weekend. I'm sorry, but I found it very difficult to validate any of his feelings because I was just thinking to myself, "Now you know what it's like to be with the kids all day, everyday, but you only had to do it for less than 4 days when I've done it for the past 9 1/2 years." But I did thank him again for watching them and told him it really meant a lot to me for him to do that. I also told H that I'll need him to watch them on the 30th (for P's painting party), and he said he would. He said he'll watch them anytime.

Then he was getting ready to leave, and just when I was thinking, "Ok...never mind about how my weekend went", he did ask. I started sharing some details then he interrupted ( ) and totally changed the subject with something that he needed a co-worker to do for him.... ....so I stopped talking. H said, "Go ahead and finish. I'm listening." I said, "No, you don't seem to be that interested." H said he was sorry for interrupting but he was listening so he asked me to finish. The apology didn't do anything for me because he always interrupts, and he's always sorry. So I just said, "My weekend was great, thank you. We went to the beach, we went out, and I had a very nice time," and that was all.

We talked a bit more about H's poker playing, and he's doing very well. He said he made over $2K on Saturday. H had said to me, "I'm tired right now, but I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm proud that I've been doing good with the kids and kicking a** on poker. Getting through these past 2 weeks has been hard, but I feel really good now. I'm happy." I told him that was good to hear......but it was difficult, too......then he left.

Before leaving for the weekend, I told H I would help him today with entering his resume into the CalJobs website. Well, first thing today, he called to remind me about it. I told him I would get to it as soon as I could, and not to worry -- it would be done. An hour later, he called again -- I hadn't been able to do it yet. 30 minutes later, H called and said, "Did you do it yet?" I'm getting a little annoyed, but I told him not yet. I was trying to clean up the house since it was left in disarray for me . H said, "Well...I don't want to put this off any longer. You told me you would help me with it today, and now you're acting like you don't want to." I told him, "I'm trying to clean up around here right now. I told you it (the resume) would get done today, and it will. It may take an hour -- it may take 3 hours -- but it will be done. Alright?" H said alright, thanks.

Another 30 minutes later...... ...... and he's bugging again. I told him, " Ok...can you give me about another 15 or 20 minutes? Can it wait that long?" He was quiet for a moment then said yeah.

So...20 minutes later, I started on it, and I called him about 20 minutes after that to let him know that it was finished. H said, "Thank you." I was still a bit irritated and just said, "Mmm hmm." Then after a sec, he said in his a**holish tone, "Thank you for being yourself again.".... ....I held my tongue then said goodbye.

(Sigh)..... I had a good day with my boys though . They told me all about their weekend, and I told them how much I missed them. It was great to get away, but of course, I couldn't help missing them . They're my babies ! Too hot to be outside again, so we just stayed inside, played some board games, made popcorn, and watched a couple DVDs .

Then H called around 8pm to talk to them. BTW, he told me last night that he was going to pick up S9 and S5 this afternoon to hang out with him....but that never happened.

Anyway like I was saying, he called at about 8pm to say he was going to play cards, and he called to talk to the boys. I put them on the phone then S9 handed it over to me when they were done. H said he was trying to talk to me before I put them on. I said, "Oh. Sorry about that. I just put them on." Then he told me that he would get S9 and S5 in the morning -- sorry, but if I had to put money on it, it's going to be sometime in the afternoon . H said, "Ok...well, bye." I said bye then we hung up.

I'm not exactly sure what I want at the moment. Right now, I feel like I love H...but only because I care deeply for him and because he is the father of my children. I feel like if he told me tomorrow that he was going to file for a D, I would be ok with that. I might tear up for a moment, but that's it. Nothing more.

I even feel like I could be the one to call it quits right now...and I don't feel scared about that anymore. H said he's happier than he's ever been...it was hard to "digest", but I was ok with that. I want him to be happy.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown

"Piecing is not for the faint of heart." ~ sage