Well, I lost my train of thought as far as my unfinished post goes, sooooo......oh well . If it comes back to me, I'll finish it up later , but I think those few sentences told the biggest part. I love H, but I don't think I've been communicating it nearly enough in his LL. Well duh ! I wouldn't be here if I had been .

And, cally, I don't think either of us were "in love" in the beginning of our R. We were very comfortable with each other and just loved one another. Does that make any sense? You say that speaks volumes -- how do you mean? Was I wrong to marry this man because I didn't have the "in love" feelings for him before we were married? And vice versa? Is there a difference between having them before you get married and developing them after you are?

And....did we get married for the wrong reasons? Hmm....probably. Maybe H married me because we had a son together, and maybe I married H because I wanted Daddy around. Is that a recipe for disaster?

As I stated before, our R was a rocky one to begin with. Full of drama. I look back and think, "OMG....I can't believe I/he/we did that! How stupid/childish/embarassing !" There were many times when I tried to end it with H (mostly over dumb fights, and to be honest, I think I was just scared because I had never been in a serious R before H), but he always kept pursuing me. Begging and pleading with me to come back to him, and I always did. Should I have stayed away like I originally tried to? Hmm......I don't think how I felt back then should matter at all now. Or is that wrong? It's 12 years later, and I have a loving H, 3 wonderful boys, a roof over my head, and so much more to be grateful for.

That's how I see it now, and I prefer not to think about it then. If I have to think back for anything, it'll be to remember the good times to try to get them back and to learn from my mistakes.

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Journaling:

H was supposed to have all 3 boys with him tonight, but that didn't happen after all. It's been a bad day for H . I tried not to get wrapped up in it with him, but it was REALLY hard. I did alright though.

After I helped H out this afternoon, the boys and I went to my parents for dinner. My mom had a nice surprise for S9 and S5 -- she bought each one a Nintendo DS and a couple of games for them. Boy, they're not spoiled, are they ? I say that because my mom ALWAYS goes overboard with these boys! I guess that's what grandparents are supposed to do .

After dinner, we stayed and visited for awhile then came home. H left a message asking me to call him when we got in so I did. He said, "You know what kind of a day I had today, and I'm sorry about it. I didn't know if you still wanted me to have the kids over because I've had a couple drinks with (mf) already. I really needed a drink, but I'll come and get them or you can bring them over if you want. I'm fine with whatever you decide.".....Uhhh....let me think .

I told H I thought it would be best if they stayed home tonight since he had been drinking, and I thanked him for being considerate enough to call and ask me instead of just coming over to get them. H said alright, and he would call back between 8:30pm and 9pm to say goodnight to them. H also said "ILY" before we hung up.

9:15pm comes and goes, and still no call from H. I called his cell, and there was no answer, so I had the boys leave him a message then put them to bed.

Ok. I'm getting tired now. Time to settle in and unwind.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown

"Piecing is not for the faint of heart." ~ sage