Trying to find MY way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Kim, I remember you telling me that there will be times when I'll long for my H......and tonight is one of them.

H wanted S9 and S5 to spend the night with him again. He was going to take the baby, too, but he was already asleep when H got here so H decided he would take him tomorrow night.

H dyed his hair blonde again! I told him it looked nice and asked him what made him decide to do that. H said it didn't come out exactly the way he wanted it (well...it WAS a teeny-tiny bit orange ), but he was trying to get it the way I liked it before. Hmmm...a little plus there?

H also asked if I minded if he stayed for a bit to play poker online. I said that was fine so he played for about an hour and made around $200.

The boys gave me a hug and kiss before they left. No hug or kiss from H , but I did get an "ILY" as he was walking out the door . I told him "ILY2".

(Sigh).... ....I just miss him tonight. He looked really good when he came to get the boys. He was only wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and a cap, but he still looked good. He smelled nice, too. I miss that smell.

(Sigh)....Alright. Enough already before I get myself too far down in the dumps . I'm going to try to get some sleep, and I'm going to try to not stare at the unused pillow beside me.

I can get through this.

Thanks for listening to me pout .

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[cally]

JV..........Hope you got a goodnights rest. I am sorry you were feeling down.


Let's try to analyze just a little bit. H seems to be doing great with spending time with the kid's. Why is it do you think that he not wooooeing you sort of speak. Like trying to arrange a date. Or sending you flowers. Because maybe it could be that he just thinks you don't appreciare those kinds of things. How are you day to day JV.....do you open up to him and tell him what is in your heart? Or tell him what your expectations are.

It just seems like by your posts that you don't tell him when something bothers you or what your expectations are. He is not a mind reader. You don't seem to stand up for yourself a lot. But it seems you do have a husband that at least asks and that is important.

[ValerieA]

Hello, cally.

I actually did sleep very well last night, thank you. The phone rang at midnight, but I didn't answer. I could hear the machine picking up, and it was H. I guess he was up playing online and played in a tournament in which he won an entry into a bigger one. The info was sent to his email address, and he couldn't remember his password. I don't remember it either , but I know it's saved in this computer so no biggie.

H IS doing GREAT with spending more time with the kids. I appreciate it very much because it gives me a break from having all 3 boys at once, but, and this may sound crazy, it also worries me. H said several times before he actually left that he felt moving out would force him to be a better dad. He said if he left, then he would be much more motivated to do more as a father, and that's exactly what he's doing. Sometimes I'm just afraid that he'll be afraid of coming back because he might go back to not doing so much with them. What if he thinks, "I was right. I AM a better father now that I'm out of the house. Why go back when it could possibly change again to the way it was before?"....(sigh).... Ugh . Too much thinking .

I appreciate everything H does for me and gives me, and I tell him so. I just think he has it permanently etched in his mind that nothing he does is ever good enough. He even thinks that I am too good for him and he doesn't deserve me. He has said this a countless number of times throughout our R, but it's been much more frequent since the bomb dropped. I tell him all the time that he's wrong and that just isn't true, but he always shakes his head in disagreement.

I think this all goes back to his childhood when he was living with his grandparents for 6 years. He had chores to do everyday, and everytime, and I mean EVERYTIME, it was never good enough. NEVER. I thought he was joking when he told me this, but MIL and I were talking about this a month ago, and she said it was like that. Everyday. If he had to brush the stairs clean, his grandma would check it out when he was done, and if she wasn't happy with the way he did it (which seemed to always be the case), H had to do it over and over and over again until she was satisfied. His grandpa was the same way, and when they were finally pleased, they didn't show much emotion about it. They weren't jumping for joy.......and that's how I am. I am very grateful for everything, EVERYTHING, but I don't show it the way he wants to see it.....Like the way his mother does. She has a very young childlike enthusiasm for everything. Someone could give her a pair of socks for a gift and she will be overly jubilant about it. She appreciates anything and everything, and so do I, but we show our appreciation on different levels. Hmm.....let's say on a scale of 1 to 10, my show of appreciation is a 9, and MIL's is a 100! I'm not kidding. H has said before, "If there's one person that I can make happy, then I know it's my mom."

I've got to go now. The baby's fussing.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[cally]

I wonder why he thinks he will be a better father if he is out of the house. Is that because he thinks he will be a happier person? I think it is great also that he offered to take the baby at least. He seems to be the only little guy that your husband isn't spending much time with. That concerns me considering his comments about him being born. Maybe you could let your husband know that little guy is missing him. Just to help with a little bonding time for them.

Another thing that confuses me is he says he thinks he is not good enough for you even pre bomb. You would think if a person felt that way then they would be trying so hard and striving to be a great spouse. But he went and had an affair. Has he ever said why he strayed? Was it for emotional reasons or compliments.

Another thing you have stated is that you don't know if you ever loved him if I am correct. Do you think he senses that? Maybe it could attribute to him being out so much.

The one GREAT thing you have is a husband who will at least communicate with you. I am like him where I like to resolve things right away. Like me I have a husband who will not communicate. Then when he does communicate it is only attacking. So nothing ever gets resolved. So use it to your advantage that he does communicate. Maybe sit down with him and have a long talk about what you would like to happen in your marriage. Sometimes you have to start the pace of things in a marriage. Like if you would like him to buy you little gifts here and there. Maybe you could buy him a few and just put a note...was just thinking of you. Maybe you could arrange the first date this weekend just to talk about some things. He seems like he needs you to be really clear about what you would like.

There has to be something going on in that mind of his. He doesn't seem to have a problem either with having the kiddos overnight and staying home and doesn't gamble then. He is spending real quality time with them. Why can't he seem to do that with you. I would ask him that straight out. Maybe there is a resentment or hurt feelings that you are not aware of.

[ValerieA]

Ok. I guess I need to just put it all out there. The way I see my R with H and how I feel about it.

I love my H. I always have. But I'm guessing he thought and possibly still thinks that I don't because I haven't shown him in the way he understands and knows it. I haven't been speaking HIS LL.

I thought it was PT. I'm sure this is one, but probably not the main one. I thought about WOA, but I don't think H is very big on that either. So I'm beginning to think his main LL is AOS.

H is always doing things for me. Calling and asking if I need him to pick up anything (even now while we're S)

Gotta go. H just called and is broken down in the next town. I'll continue later.

[Scottisheart]

JV I have the same problem with my H. I'm not exactly sure what LL he is but I'm starting to lean toward AOS as well. I find that when I'm not doing as much around the house (aka things that H can SEE I've done) he seems distant and withdrawn. Of course I could still be wrong Maybe he's just a mish mash of all of them.

I've been keeping up with your thread but haven't posted. You seem to be getting lots of good advice and lots of help so I'll just sit in the cheering section if that's ok.

And for what it's worth.....maybe listen to your head, your heart AND your gut. Take a little from each and I'll bet it all comes together. You know your H best JV. Good luck!

Cheers, Scottisheart

[kml]

J -

H is always doing things for me. Calling and asking if I need him to pick up anything (even now while we're S)

If he EXPRESSES himself in AOS, it's a pretty good bet his RECEPTIVE LL is WOA. You do those nice things for someone because you want to hear "oh, honey, thank you, that was so nice of you" etc. So keep up the WOA with him.

Ellie

[ValerieA]

Hey, Scottisheart and Ellie.

Scotti, thanks for dropping in, and please, cheer on!!

Ellie,

You do those nice things for someone because you want to hear "oh, honey, thank you, that was so nice of you" etc.

Ok, I gotcha , and I'll keep WOA going. I do use them when the time's right, and I usually say something like, "Thanks. I really appreciate you doing that for me." But....hmmm....maybe I need to "sweeten" it??? Like "Thank you, babe! That was really nice of you!" AND follow it with a kiss??? Maybe H would enjoy it like that. Hmmm.....it's worth a shot, right?

Thank you, ladies.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Well, I lost my train of thought as far as my unfinished post goes, sooooo......oh well . If it comes back to me, I'll finish it up later , but I think those few sentences told the biggest part. I love H, but I don't think I've been communicating it nearly enough in his LL. Well duh ! I wouldn't be here if I had been .

And, cally, I don't think either of us were "in love" in the beginning of our R. We were very comfortable with each other and just loved one another. Does that make any sense? You say that speaks volumes -- how do you mean? Was I wrong to marry this man because I didn't have the "in love" feelings for him before we were married? And vice versa? Is there a difference between having them before you get married and developing them after you are?

And....did we get married for the wrong reasons? Hmm....probably. Maybe H married me because we had a son together, and maybe I married H because I wanted Daddy around. Is that a recipe for disaster?

As I stated before, our R was a rocky one to begin with. Full of drama. I look back and think, "OMG....I can't believe I/he/we did that! How stupid/childish/embarassing !" There were many times when I tried to end it with H (mostly over dumb fights, and to be honest, I think I was just scared because I had never been in a serious R before H), but he always kept pursuing me. Begging and pleading with me to come back to him, and I always did. Should I have stayed away like I originally tried to? Hmm......I don't think how I felt back then should matter at all now. Or is that wrong? It's 12 years later, and I have a loving H, 3 wonderful boys, a roof over my head, and so much more to be grateful for.

That's how I see it now, and I prefer not to think about it then. If I have to think back for anything, it'll be to remember the good times to try to get them back and to learn from my mistakes.

-----------------------------------

Journaling:

H was supposed to have all 3 boys with him tonight, but that didn't happen after all. It's been a bad day for H . I tried not to get wrapped up in it with him, but it was REALLY hard. I did alright though.

After I helped H out this afternoon, the boys and I went to my parents for dinner. My mom had a nice surprise for S9 and S5 -- she bought each one a Nintendo DS and a couple of games for them. Boy, they're not spoiled, are they ? I say that because my mom ALWAYS goes overboard with these boys! I guess that's what grandparents are supposed to do .

After dinner, we stayed and visited for awhile then came home. H left a message asking me to call him when we got in so I did. He said, "You know what kind of a day I had today, and I'm sorry about it. I didn't know if you still wanted me to have the kids over because I've had a couple drinks with (mf) already. I really needed a drink, but I'll come and get them or you can bring them over if you want. I'm fine with whatever you decide.".....Uhhh....let me think .

I told H I thought it would be best if they stayed home tonight since he had been drinking, and I thanked him for being considerate enough to call and ask me instead of just coming over to get them. H said alright, and he would call back between 8:30pm and 9pm to say goodnight to them. H also said "ILY" before we hung up.

9:15pm comes and goes, and still no call from H. I called his cell, and there was no answer, so I had the boys leave him a message then put them to bed.

Ok. I'm getting tired now. Time to settle in and unwind.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Little update:

H just called and apologized for missing my call. He said he passed out around 9pm. Hmm....go figure . Sorry ! That was bad .

H said he would call in the morning to let me know when he's picking them up.

Ok, NOW I'm going to bed ! Good night all.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."