I actually did sleep very well last night, thank you. The phone rang at midnight, but I didn't answer. I could hear the machine picking up, and it was H. I guess he was up playing online and played in a tournament in which he won an entry into a bigger one. The info was sent to his email address, and he couldn't remember his password. I don't remember it either , but I know it's saved in this computer so no biggie.
H IS doing GREAT with spending more time with the kids. I appreciate it very much because it gives me a break from having all 3 boys at once, but, and this may sound crazy, it also worries me. H said several times before he actually left that he felt moving out would force him to be a better dad. He said if he left, then he would be much more motivated to do more as a father, and that's exactly what he's doing. Sometimes I'm just afraid that he'll be afraid of coming back because he might go back to not doing so much with them. What if he thinks, "I was right. I AM a better father now that I'm out of the house. Why go back when it could possibly change again to the way it was before?"....(sigh).... Ugh . Too much thinking .
I appreciate everything H does for me and gives me, and I tell him so. I just think he has it permanently etched in his mind that nothing he does is ever good enough. He even thinks that I am too good for him and he doesn't deserve me. He has said this a countless number of times throughout our R, but it's been much more frequent since the bomb dropped. I tell him all the time that he's wrong and that just isn't true, but he always shakes his head in disagreement.
I think this all goes back to his childhood when he was living with his grandparents for 6 years. He had chores to do everyday, and everytime, and I mean EVERYTIME, it was never good enough. NEVER. I thought he was joking when he told me this, but MIL and I were talking about this a month ago, and she said it was like that. Everyday. If he had to brush the stairs clean, his grandma would check it out when he was done, and if she wasn't happy with the way he did it (which seemed to always be the case), H had to do it over and over and over again until she was satisfied. His grandpa was the same way, and when they were finally pleased, they didn't show much emotion about it. They weren't jumping for joy.......and that's how I am. I am very grateful for everything, EVERYTHING, but I don't show it the way he wants to see it.....Like the way his mother does. She has a very young childlike enthusiasm for everything. Someone could give her a pair of socks for a gift and she will be overly jubilant about it. She appreciates anything and everything, and so do I, but we show our appreciation on different levels. Hmm.....let's say on a scale of 1 to 10, my show of appreciation is a 9, and MIL's is a 100! I'm not kidding. H has said before, "If there's one person that I can make happy, then I know it's my mom."
I've got to go now. The baby's fussing.
JV
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
, but I know it's saved in this computer so no biggie.
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