Trying to find MY way to happiness

[ValerieA]

Hey there, Ellie.

Somewhere I've read that the worst thing for a marriage is for a man to feel like he can't make his wife happy - that this is one of the biggest triggers that drive men into affairs.

Many times I don't even know what I need to be happy. There's been so many times throughout our R when H asked me this, and I just don't know the answer. I really don't know. Or maybe I do and it's just lost somewhere in my head .

Yesterday I looked miserable because of our fight over the phone, and when H calls me the "b" word, it's almost impossible to let it go and plaster a smile on my face or act as if. When I get like that, H will not leave me alone when that is all I want for the moment. I'm the type who needs to sit and stew for about 10 minutes while H is the kind who needs to resolve the issue at hand ASAP. When I'm upset, I need time and space to cool off. H doesn't, and he pushes and pushes until he gets his way.

If I don't get my cooling off period, then I hold grudges, and I resent H for his playful way of initiating a truce because I think to myself, "Is this a joke to him? How can he talk to me the way he does and not expect me to be upset about it? How can he expect me to just forgive and forget because that's what he wants right now?" I'm sure I'm ASSuming that these things are jokes to him, and I know this is H's way of apologizing and getting me to laugh and smile.....but I NEED my cooling time, and I want him to tell me he's sorry and give me a kiss.

I think I just found my answer -- my typing was flowing along and there it is -- I want him to tell me he's sorry and give me a kiss.

H tells me he's sorry all the time, but if it was followed with a nice kiss, it would mean a whole lot more to me.

Hmmm.....but what if he didn't want to? I guess I won't know until I try it .

Remember the dog-training adage - reward the good behaviors, ignore the bad ones? It's okay to tell him exactly what you want (and he seems to have been responding to that yesterday) but make sure you reward him when he does.

Right -- I'll do my best to remember this.

Now....how to reward H? Hmm.....

H likes to give me lots of hugs and kisses, so I'll try with that, too. I'll also try with WOA which is a bit hard for me . I think H likes lots of enthusiasm. I can be very enthusiastic but not to the degree I think he'd like. This one's tough , so I'll try with PT first .

Thank you, Ellie.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."