Trying to find MY way to happiness

[ValerieA]

H called just before 7pm last night and said he would have the kids home by 8pm......8:30pm rolls along, and still no sign of them. I'm getting very irritated with H's tardiness and not even calling to let me know what the deal is.

So I called him and asked what was going on. H said, "What do you mean?" I reminded him that he told me he would have the boys back by 8pm, and it was now 30 minutes later. H said, "Oh. I'm sorry. We came back to my place and I fixed them something to eat. I'm sorry. I guess I lost track of time." I told H ok, and I would very much appreciate it if he would call me to let me know from now on. He said he would.

They got here just after 9pm, and H sat next to me. I asked the boys if they had a fun time, and they did of course. H told me about what they did for the day. Then H asked the boys, "Did we have fun or what, guys?!" After they said yes, H said, "So that's where Daddy is staying for now. Mommy and Daddy still love each other, ok? See?" Then he leaned over, gave me a hug, and said, "Mommy and Daddy just need some time to not be with each other. We want to be happy first so that we all can be happy, ok? But no matter what, we still love each other, and we love you guys the most, ok? Daddy just needs to stay over at (mf)'s at nighttime for awhile." The boys seemed to be really fine with that, and S5 said, "Ok, Dad.....FAMILY HUG!!!!" Then S9 and S5 came over to H and me, and we all hugged.

After that, the boys went into their room, and H just looked at me with this scared, worried smile on his face and tears were beginning to fall down his cheek. I leaned over and gave H a hug. I shed a few tears myself.

I let go after a few moments and went to wipe his tears, but he wouldn't let me. H used to let me do that.

He got up and said he'd better get going. He said goodbye to the kids and told them he would see them tomorrow (today). I walked him outside, and he talked again about how hard this is for him. Then he just kept looking at me. I couldn't take it anymore so I asked him, "What? What do you want from me, H?" H said, "I want whatever you want, JV.......Do you really want to do this? Because I really want to just come home."

I thought for awhile and said, "I know that I don't want a D, and I know you don't either.....but what I do know is that we both need time. Things are not going to get better overnight.......H, there's something that you need from me, and I don't know what it is......but I do know what I need. I need to feel like I matter. I need to feel that I'm important to you so I can feel loved."

H cut in with, "What do you think I'm doing when I call you to see if you want anything from the store before I get here?! What do you think I'm doing when I take the kids for the day?!"..... When HE takes the kids??!!! Is he serious??!! Isn't he their father? And isn't that what fathers do? Geeeezzzzz -- I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I don't expect any appreciation for having to watch MY OWN children..... (sigh)

I told him, "I appreciate that, H. I really do ( ), but for me, and I know I've told you all this before, it's about time, H. It's about having your time. At least some of it." H said, "Tell me what to do and I'll do it, JV." I told him that's what I was trying to do but he kept interrupting me. H said, "Ok, I'm sorry. Let me know when you're done."........Now that really got under my skin . Here I am talking about what I need from him since he's acting like he really wants to hear it and he's willing to do it, but at the same time, it felt like he didn't want to hear it. Like I was annoying him or something.

Anyway, after biting my tongue for a minute, I continued on with, "You're telling me you want to come back, and I'm trying to tell you how to do that. I'm trying to tell you how to get back in here (pointing to my heart)......I need to feel important to you. For that to happen, I need for you to make time for me. Start taking me out again like when we were dating. Make arrangements for the kids on your own and take me out to do something we used to do together. Make time for me, H."

Then H said, "What if I can't do that? What if I feel like I can't do that? You want dating. You want romantic dating, and I may not be capable of doing any of that."

I knew there was probably some other reason for H saying that, but it was SOOOO HARD not to personalize it . It felt like he was telling me that he doesn't feel that way about me anymore. He doesn't feel like he can take me out and court me. I don't necessarily want romance. I just want to feel special to him again. The way he used to make me feel when we were first together. Nothing was ever really romantic with us. It was just very comfortable and fun. We went out to do things and always had fun.

I tried telling H this, but he said he just doesn't know if he can. So I told him, "Well.....I've given you the way back into my heart, H. If you can't do it and you won't, then that is your choice. If you can't make time for me, then I guess there's only one way to go." H said, "Here it comes.....Fine. Just tell me and we'll go to Reno and get it over with."



I told him that I am not ready to do anything right now, and I didn't think he was either. I said, "You're awfully quick to jump to that conclusion, H. Are you sure that that's not what YOU want to do?" H said, "I don't want a D. I don't know what I want right now. I'm trying to get into the right frame of mind right now. Yesterday you told me you wanted space, and today you're telling me you want me to take you out on dates. Are you playing games with my mind?"

I said, "No! Not even! I DO want space -- we BOTH need it, H. And after some time when our heads are a LOT clearer, THEN MAYBE, if we still want this R, we can try going out again. I didn't mean that you had to take me out NOW, and I'm not trying to force anything on you either. I'm just telling you what I need for this to work."

H walked up to me and gave me a hug and a kiss on my cheek then said goodbye and left.

(SIGH)......I need to stop thinking about all of this.

The baby is with MIL right now and he'll be with her overnight, too. H called earlier and was on his way to another service call. He said he would pick up the boys on his way back and have them spend the night with him.

I think I'll call my sisters and see what they're doing tonight. Maybe I'll just go over to visit for awhile if they're not too busy.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[molliew]

I'm glad you decided to check in with your sisters tonight. Finding something else to do is really important.

My H isn't into making time to spend together either. He likes it better if it just happens. So I have found that I have to take the initiative to make it happen. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. A few months back we found some great friends we could get together with. He has just met them, but I already knew one from work. We started hanging out with them on Friday nights. We never make a plan, we just all show up at the same place on Friday night. H and I don't even talk about it, it just happens. We don't even necessarily sit together. He goes with the guys and I go with the girls. But he is in the room with me and we check in with each other off and on. Now this is not my idea of time together, but it is what he can do and it's more than we have done in the past so I'm grateful for it right now.

Try not to expect to get exactly what you are fantasizing about for time together or anything else. It may not happen exactly that way (no expectations). But you know what is acceptable to you. I don't think he is saying he doesn't want to spend time, but he may be saying he can't do it exactly the way you want to. I bet you don't do everything exactly the way he'd like either. I know I don't always meet my H's expectations. But I've also noticed he doesn't have as many as I do!

I know it is going to be hard with the kids, but you may have to be the one who takes the initiative on this. Maybe you could try to start with something smaller, like he needs to be on time!!! And when he is on time, make sure he knows how much you appreciate it.

Be very careful here. When I told my H to leave a year ago, he went looking for "comfort" somewhere else. Not saying that will happen to you. But it does happen.

[Jet]

JV,

My W told me she wanted me to plan dates, arrange child care, etc. She thought this would make her feel like I cared, given the amount of effort that takes.

I asked myself the same questions that your H asked you.

I was afraid of looking foolish and feeling embarrassed. I was never comfortable "planning" an evening. What if she didn't like it? What if it was not romantic?

Now, with all that said. Maybe your H responded that way for similar reasons as I did. Maybe you could arrange the first and afterwards tell him "this is the type thing I'm talking about".

I felt the pressure because I had no ideas on what to do. In the end, it may not have been that important but I worried about it. My W would have been happy shooting pool but I never knew that.

Jet

[ValerieA]

Hi, mollie and Jet.

mollie -- I'm glad I decided to get together with my sisters, too . I'll be going to P's house later this evening, and J's going, too. We're just going to hang around her house for the night and have some drinks . Not too many for me though -- I'm not a big drinker . Plus I need to be able to drive home .

I'm trying to have no expectations, but it is very hard. I guess because I've felt like I haven't mattered to H for so long, that now since he SAYS he will do anything I want, I guess I AM expecting it to happen. I'm expecting him to follow through on what he says......(sigh)......I'd better stop, and I know it. ACTIONS, ACTIONS, ACTIONS. I need to pay attention to his actions, not the words. WHACK! I know better than that .

... Maybe you could try to start with something smaller, like he needs to be on time!!! And when he is on time, make sure he knows how much you appreciate it.

I'll try this, and I will let him know that it's much appreciated.

Be very careful here. When I told my H to leave a year ago, he went looking for "comfort" somewhere else. Not saying that will happen to you. But it does happen.

This thought was actually going through my mind this morning, and when H came to pick up the boys, I said something about it, and I think I ticked him off some .

Before they left, I said to H, "You know this is just a separation, right?" H looked at me, looked at his ring which he had on, and showed it to me saying, "I know that we're still married." I said, "That's what I mean." He gave me a suspicious glare and said, "Why are you -- alright. Never mind." Then they left.

I know I probably deserve a few whacks for bringing it up, but I felt I needed to make sure H understood what I was getting at.

The phone rang a minute later, and it was H. He asked me if I could shut the garage door. I thought I did but I guess not. Then H said, "So why were you saying that to me?" I said, "Because I wanted to be sure that we're on the same page here. Yes, we're S, but we're still M. There is to be no one else involved. For either of us." H said, "I already knew that. Thanks for thinking so highly of me. (sigh) What are you doing tonight?" I told H that I wanted to get the house cleaned up before anything else -- it really needs it . He said alright and he'd see me in the morning when he drops the boys off. H has a service call to do in the morning, but he's not sure at what time yet.

Jet -- Thank you so much for your insight! It sounds like H could feel this way, too.

He's always been afraid of what I would think about his gifts to me. He always wondered if they were ever good enough and if I truly liked them. This could also be how he feels about taking me places. I'm no expert, but I think this all goes back to when he lived with his grandparents, and everything he did was NEVER good enough for them.

I felt the pressure because I had no ideas on what to do. In the end, it may not have been that important but I worried about it. My W would have been happy shooting pool but I never knew that.

I would be happy just shooting pool, too!

Ok, so.....maybe in a few weeks or so, if things are going smoothly, I'LL ask H out on a date. I'll make the arrangements, and I will let him know "this is what I'm talking about".

Thanks again, mollie and Jet. You've been so helpful.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Had a BLAST at my sister P's house last night ! My sister J was there, too. We had a good ol' time having drinks and talking about all the mischievious things we did as teens ! And how Mom never knew about those things ! LATE nights and covering up for each other LOL!!! Aaahhhh......those were the days .

We're getting together again next weekend to go visit our sister T who lives in Paso Robles. I forgot where P said it was (hmm...too much to drink last night ), but T has a timeshare near the beach, so that's where we'll be ! I know where Paso Robles is -- I meant the timeshare because it's somewhere else.

Not much going on here today. H brought the boys home around 10am and MIL took them with her to go visit H's grandparents. H said he would be back around 2 or 3pm to take them swimming. He had an install to do in Sacramento.

Just trying to catch up on some laundry today .

Hope everyone's enjoying their weekend, and thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

I really messed up big time . I let my frustration and anger get the best of me.

H said this morning that he would be back around 2 to 3pm to pick up S9 and S5 for swimming. Once again, he was late (it was 3:50pm) and he didn't bother calling to let me know.

So I called his cell but no answer. I left a rather unpleasant message -- not nasty, but I'm sure my frustration was obvious. Then he called back about 5 minutes later and said he had the volume off because MIL was calling him and bugging him this morning, he didn't feel like talking to her, and he forgot to turn the volume back up.

H asked what was up, and I asked him if he listened to the message I left him. H said no, tell me now. Unfortunately, it really bothers me when I leave H a VM and he doesn't listen to it before he calls me back because then I feel like I'm repeating myself.

Anyway, I told him that I was upset about him being late AGAIN. I told H, "Look. I know you didn't promise an exact time, but you DID say between 2 and 3pm, and now it's almost 4pm. This is not going to work. All week you've given me a time when you say you'll pick them up or drop them off, and everytime you've been more than 30 minutes late. I've asked you to call me to let me know if this was going to happen, and you said you would. So why didn't you today?"

H got loud with me and said that his install was extremely he**ish, and he did not need this BS right now. He said, "I left the customer's house just after 3pm, and as soon as I got in the car, I called XXXXX (co-worker) to finish up the paperwork! I've been on the phone ever since I left there with her and with (STBX-boss), alright?!"

I got loud back and said, "You couldn't take 15 seconds to call me before you called XXXXX to let me know that you were running late?!" Then H said, "You know what?! You're a stupid f***ing b****. I'll be there in 5 minutes to get them.(Click!)"



The boys were outside playing and the baby was napping when H got here. He just walked in and started making himself something to eat -- well, I guess it's still his house, too, isn't it? Then he sat across from me in the living room and asked why I was starting a fight with him. I told H, "I wasn't trying to start anything with you. It just really p*sses me off when you're constantly late AND you don't call to tell me when I've asked you to AND you said you would!" H said, "Well, I told you I was busy. It's not like I was out d**king around....You look so f***ing miserable. What can I do right now to make you happy?"

I looked at him and said, "Nothing. Why don't you just please leave me alone? Take the boys and go to your place." H asked, "What's your problem? I'm trying to make up with you." I said, "I don't know. Maybe I am just a b**** since that's what you called me." H said, "You're not a b****. You're just acting like one." I said, "Whatever. Get the boys and get going." H said, "No. I'm eating first. I'll leave when I'm ready."

OMG, I was fuming! But I somehow managed to just shut up and keep to myself for the next 10 minutes. Geez.....I should have just did that in the first place .

So H finished eating, and while I was washing some dishes, he came up behind me and tried pushing me aside acting like I was in his way while he was trying to rinse off his dishes. This is H's playful way of initiating a truce , but when I do try to get out of his way, he moves in my direction to keep me from doing so. Uhh...got that ? Did that make sense?

I told him to let me get by, and he said no, not until I gave him a kiss. I said no way! H said we would stand there all night then. He had his cheek to me waiting for a kiss, and I told him he needed to give ME one first , so he did. Then he stuck his cheek out again, and when I leaned in to give him one, he walked away! What a jerk!

H shouted for the boys to come in and say goodbye to me. They did then H walked up to me and gave me a very phony kiss on my forehead. He said, "Goodbye, XXXXXXX." I said, "Goodbye, XXXXX."

Oh yeah. H also said he would have the boys back by 8:30pm, and he wouldn't be late.

(Sigh)......Geez.....where did all this anger come from? That was the "old JV". Short-tempered and b****y when things didn't happen the way I expected them to. I don't want to go back there again.

Now H is really going to enjoy his so-called freedom. I just reminded him of the old me.....WHACK WHACK WHACK!!!

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[OCKim]

Hi JVJKB...

IMHO... You may think that your H is enjoying his "so-called freedom" b/c you feel that you reminded him of the "old JV"... But, he really has no right talking to you the way he did over the phone. OK, so he was probably mad, but that is just no excuse for calling you a "stupid f***ing b****!!!"... Because, let's face it, JV...
We ALL know that is just not the case.

So... here I am on a Saturday night wanting to try to make you feel a bit better about yourself.
I read a book not too long ago about "Ways to Heal Your Heart" and so I want to share with you some of the things I wrote down that have helped me out...

*Count your blessings... When we are grieving a loss (the loss of our relationships due to seperation), we forget to appreciate what we DO have...
*Be patient with yourself... Instead of getting frustrated when you experience a setback, reward yourself with something special...
*Repeat to yourself: "I will get through this"...
Soon the pain WILL be gone...
*Put YOURSELF first... This is YOUR time to be pampered.
Release your obligations- You are grieving a loss and have other things that you have to do right now...
*Don't hold back your tears... It is OK to cry. Crying is good for the soul...
*Recognize that the pain you feel today will prepare you to be there for others in the future...
*Resolve to be the best person you can... Often when we feel & release some of our pain, we are inspired...
Make a list of the qualities you want to embody in your life...

The last part is a question for you, JV...
How would you feel if you knew FOR SURE that in 2 years your life would be filled with love and you would be happy again?

I am sorry that you are upset with yourself as it seems you feel that you "really messed up big time" tonight.
I just don't see it that way...
Try to remember what I once told you... Your H is just being your H... He is probably doing what he has ALWAYS done... As far as being late to pick up the kids or dropping them off to you... You CAN NOT control if he is going to be late... But, you CAN control how YOU respond to him.
JV... this may be part of you detaching more from your H... Detachment really is the natural acceptance that you are alone responsible for how you act. You can not control another person, but you can control how you choose to respond to them...

Please... be kind to JV... You are doing the BEST you can!
Try not to be so hard on yourself, okay?
Hope you have a good rest of the night... -KIM

[ValerieA]

Hi, Kim.

... But, he really has no right talking to you the way he did over the phone...

When H dropped the kids off last night, I did tell him that I didn't feel I deserved to be talked to that way, and I told him he didn't have the right to do it. H said, "You're right. I don't, and I'm sorry."

So... here I am on a Saturday night wanting to try to make you feel a bit better about yourself.

Thank you very much, Kim, for doing just that although I am sorry you weren't out having some real fun . And thank you for sharing your notes. I wrote them down and they are taped to my bathroom mirror.

How would you feel if you knew FOR SURE that in 2 years your life would be filled with love and you would be happy again?

Does it really have to be 2 years?

I would feel like I was on cloud nine, and I would feel so alive. I wouldn't have a thing to worry about.

Hmmm....are you telling me this is how I need to start feeling? Well....I know I do. I have to try to get out more like I did the other night. It's hard and the chance doesn't come up very often, but I do when I can.

Try to remember what I once told you... Your H is just being your H... He is probably doing what he has ALWAYS done... As far as being late to pick up the kids or dropping them off to you... You CAN NOT control if he is going to be late... But, you CAN control how YOU respond to him.

Yes, H is who he is and has always been that way, and right, I cannot control him. I can only control myself.

Well, if anything, there was one small positive that came from yesterday's setback. H called at about 8:15pm and said S5 wanted a snack, so H was calling to let me know he was fixing him something to eat and would have them back at 9pm. I said ok and thanked him for calling to let me know, and they were back on time.

Thanks again, Kim.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[kml]

JV -

You look so f***ing miserable. What can I do right now to make you happy?"

I looked at him and said, "Nothing. Why don't you just please leave me alone?

Somewhere I've read that the worst thing for a marriage is for a man to feel like he can't make his wife happy - that this is one of the biggest triggers that drive men into affairs. Remember the dog-training adage - reward the good behaviors, ignore the bad ones? It's okay to tell him exactly what you want (and he seems to have been responding to that yesterday) but make sure you reward him when he does.

Ellie

[ValerieA]

Hey there, Ellie.

Somewhere I've read that the worst thing for a marriage is for a man to feel like he can't make his wife happy - that this is one of the biggest triggers that drive men into affairs.

Many times I don't even know what I need to be happy. There's been so many times throughout our R when H asked me this, and I just don't know the answer. I really don't know. Or maybe I do and it's just lost somewhere in my head .

Yesterday I looked miserable because of our fight over the phone, and when H calls me the "b" word, it's almost impossible to let it go and plaster a smile on my face or act as if. When I get like that, H will not leave me alone when that is all I want for the moment. I'm the type who needs to sit and stew for about 10 minutes while H is the kind who needs to resolve the issue at hand ASAP. When I'm upset, I need time and space to cool off. H doesn't, and he pushes and pushes until he gets his way.

If I don't get my cooling off period, then I hold grudges, and I resent H for his playful way of initiating a truce because I think to myself, "Is this a joke to him? How can he talk to me the way he does and not expect me to be upset about it? How can he expect me to just forgive and forget because that's what he wants right now?" I'm sure I'm ASSuming that these things are jokes to him, and I know this is H's way of apologizing and getting me to laugh and smile.....but I NEED my cooling time, and I want him to tell me he's sorry and give me a kiss.

I think I just found my answer -- my typing was flowing along and there it is -- I want him to tell me he's sorry and give me a kiss.

H tells me he's sorry all the time, but if it was followed with a nice kiss, it would mean a whole lot more to me.

Hmmm.....but what if he didn't want to? I guess I won't know until I try it .

Remember the dog-training adage - reward the good behaviors, ignore the bad ones? It's okay to tell him exactly what you want (and he seems to have been responding to that yesterday) but make sure you reward him when he does.

Right -- I'll do my best to remember this.

Now....how to reward H? Hmm.....

H likes to give me lots of hugs and kisses, so I'll try with that, too. I'll also try with WOA which is a bit hard for me . I think H likes lots of enthusiasm. I can be very enthusiastic but not to the degree I think he'd like. This one's tough , so I'll try with PT first .

Thank you, Ellie.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."