H called just before 7pm last night and said he would have the kids home by 8pm......8:30pm rolls along, and still no sign of them. I'm getting very irritated with H's tardiness and not even calling to let me know what the deal is.

So I called him and asked what was going on. H said, "What do you mean?" I reminded him that he told me he would have the boys back by 8pm, and it was now 30 minutes later. H said, "Oh. I'm sorry. We came back to my place and I fixed them something to eat. I'm sorry. I guess I lost track of time." I told H ok, and I would very much appreciate it if he would call me to let me know from now on. He said he would.

They got here just after 9pm, and H sat next to me. I asked the boys if they had a fun time, and they did of course. H told me about what they did for the day. Then H asked the boys, "Did we have fun or what, guys?!" After they said yes, H said, "So that's where Daddy is staying for now. Mommy and Daddy still love each other, ok? See?" Then he leaned over, gave me a hug, and said, "Mommy and Daddy just need some time to not be with each other. We want to be happy first so that we all can be happy, ok? But no matter what, we still love each other, and we love you guys the most, ok? Daddy just needs to stay over at (mf)'s at nighttime for awhile." The boys seemed to be really fine with that, and S5 said, "Ok, Dad.....FAMILY HUG!!!!" Then S9 and S5 came over to H and me, and we all hugged.

After that, the boys went into their room, and H just looked at me with this scared, worried smile on his face and tears were beginning to fall down his cheek. I leaned over and gave H a hug. I shed a few tears myself.

I let go after a few moments and went to wipe his tears, but he wouldn't let me. H used to let me do that.

He got up and said he'd better get going. He said goodbye to the kids and told them he would see them tomorrow (today). I walked him outside, and he talked again about how hard this is for him. Then he just kept looking at me. I couldn't take it anymore so I asked him, "What? What do you want from me, H?" H said, "I want whatever you want, JV.......Do you really want to do this? Because I really want to just come home."

I thought for awhile and said, "I know that I don't want a D, and I know you don't either.....but what I do know is that we both need time. Things are not going to get better overnight.......H, there's something that you need from me, and I don't know what it is......but I do know what I need. I need to feel like I matter. I need to feel that I'm important to you so I can feel loved."

H cut in with, "What do you think I'm doing when I call you to see if you want anything from the store before I get here?! What do you think I'm doing when I take the kids for the day?!"..... When HE takes the kids??!!! Is he serious??!! Isn't he their father? And isn't that what fathers do? Geeeezzzzz -- I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I don't expect any appreciation for having to watch MY OWN children..... (sigh)

I told him, "I appreciate that, H. I really do ( ), but for me, and I know I've told you all this before, it's about time, H. It's about having your time. At least some of it." H said, "Tell me what to do and I'll do it, JV." I told him that's what I was trying to do but he kept interrupting me. H said, "Ok, I'm sorry. Let me know when you're done."........Now that really got under my skin . Here I am talking about what I need from him since he's acting like he really wants to hear it and he's willing to do it, but at the same time, it felt like he didn't want to hear it. Like I was annoying him or something.

Anyway, after biting my tongue for a minute, I continued on with, "You're telling me you want to come back, and I'm trying to tell you how to do that. I'm trying to tell you how to get back in here (pointing to my heart)......I need to feel important to you. For that to happen, I need for you to make time for me. Start taking me out again like when we were dating. Make arrangements for the kids on your own and take me out to do something we used to do together. Make time for me, H."

Then H said, "What if I can't do that? What if I feel like I can't do that? You want dating. You want romantic dating, and I may not be capable of doing any of that."

I knew there was probably some other reason for H saying that, but it was SOOOO HARD not to personalize it . It felt like he was telling me that he doesn't feel that way about me anymore. He doesn't feel like he can take me out and court me. I don't necessarily want romance. I just want to feel special to him again. The way he used to make me feel when we were first together. Nothing was ever really romantic with us. It was just very comfortable and fun. We went out to do things and always had fun.

I tried telling H this, but he said he just doesn't know if he can. So I told him, "Well.....I've given you the way back into my heart, H. If you can't do it and you won't, then that is your choice. If you can't make time for me, then I guess there's only one way to go." H said, "Here it comes.....Fine. Just tell me and we'll go to Reno and get it over with."



I told him that I am not ready to do anything right now, and I didn't think he was either. I said, "You're awfully quick to jump to that conclusion, H. Are you sure that that's not what YOU want to do?" H said, "I don't want a D. I don't know what I want right now. I'm trying to get into the right frame of mind right now. Yesterday you told me you wanted space, and today you're telling me you want me to take you out on dates. Are you playing games with my mind?"

I said, "No! Not even! I DO want space -- we BOTH need it, H. And after some time when our heads are a LOT clearer, THEN MAYBE, if we still want this R, we can try going out again. I didn't mean that you had to take me out NOW, and I'm not trying to force anything on you either. I'm just telling you what I need for this to work."

H walked up to me and gave me a hug and a kiss on my cheek then said goodbye and left.

(SIGH)......I need to stop thinking about all of this.

The baby is with MIL right now and he'll be with her overnight, too. H called earlier and was on his way to another service call. He said he would pick up the boys on his way back and have them spend the night with him.

I think I'll call my sisters and see what they're doing tonight. Maybe I'll just go over to visit for awhile if they're not too busy.

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown

"Piecing is not for the faint of heart." ~ sage