Journaling:

H's grandfather called this morning (I didn't answer in case it was H). He said with a very serious tone, "H, this is Grandpa. Give me a call. Bye.".....hmmm.....I wonder what that was all about (???).

H told me yesterday that he would be here between 10 and 10:30am to take the boys fishing. Well......11:30am rolled around so I called him. It seems as if he had another late night and just could not fall asleep until 8am this morning!!! He said he was sorry and asked if he could come for them at 1pm. H said he wouldn't be late. I was irritated, but I said fine.

He didn't get here until after 1:30pm. He called just before he got here and said he got tied up on the phone with a customer......hmmm......ok. I'm trying to let it go, but that was one of H's infamous excuses during pre-bomb. My guess is he fell back asleep and woke up just after 1pm .

Anyway, when he got here, he said he had stuff to do in the garage before he took the boys with him. (I didn't ask what, and after they left today, I didn't see any difference in anything compared to when he finished reorganizing yesterday.)

Then H came back inside after about 30 minutes and started clearing out his closet. He found a box in the very back and called me into the room. It was full of S9 and S5's old clothes -- all were size 5T. H asked what I wanted him to do with the stuff. I told him, "Well, they are pretty worn through. I don't think I want to keep them for (baby) for another 3 or 4 years. Just get rid of them." The baby crawled into our room at that time. H looked at him then held up a pair of overalls from the box. H had his back to me, but I could still see his face in the closet door mirror, and he was beginning to cry.

I had to walk out of the room to keep myself together.....to keep myself from breaking down and saying, "I'm so sorry, H. I want you to come home. Please come home."

H put some of his stuff into his car and said he would get the rest of it when he brought the kids home tonight. S9 has Tae Kwon Do at 6pm. Then H will get him at 7pm, so they'll probably be back around 7:30pm. Unless H takes them back to his place for awhile.

H also told me that he had a big panic attack late last night. H said, "It took everything I had in me to not come over here last night. I just wanted to come home, get in bed with you, and hold you......I'm sorry, JV. I know I'm very co-dependent on you. I don't know why I have to be like this." I told H if he ever has those moments again that he could always call me. He said thanks.

BTW, no hugs or kisses from H today......I was upset about this a bit today because I know it was my fault. I did go too far. I just felt too overwhelmed, and I felt like H had been continuing to come and go as he pleased......(SIGH)

Well, one VERY WONDERFUL thing did happen today! I got a knock at the door late this morning and received 2 dozen multi-colored roses from my mom and my 3 sisters! They are so BEAUTIFUL!!! Oh, and the roses are, too!

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

Valerie

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown

"Piecing is not for the faint of heart." ~ sage