Trying to find MY way to happiness

[dodgermf]

I was in the kitchen at one point and saw a flyer on the counter for a house-for-sale in Rocklin. I asked H, "What's this?" H told me he picked it up when he was out on his first service call. He said, "I don't know....I was just thinking it would be nice to sell this house, move out there because it's a really nice area, and just start all over and be happy." I didn't have anything to say so I started walking away to go to the bathroom, and then I could hear H saying, "I guess I was just hoping to make things better for us.....but I know you hate me, and I still LY....I thought it could be a fresh start for us, and I do want to be together."

WOW, if that ain't the textbook definition of "manipulative", I don't know what is.

Then H said he was going to play cards.

Hmmm, figure those odds...

I told H, "This isn't exactly easy on me either. I don't know if it's right, but we're going to find out, and I think we really do need the space from each other, H."

Good for you, JV!!

So H "sadly" got his keys, wallet, etc to get going

Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! (Sorry JV, I can be kind of an a*****e sometimes, but hey he made his bed...even if it is on the floor of his friends house)

H also said something about there not being any food at (mf)'s place as he was walking to the car. I told him, "Well I guess you'd better go grocery shopping then."

Ouch!! Is my a*****e-ness rubbing off on you? Just kidding JV, you're doing spectacular!!! I've always followed your threads but now I can't wait to read about your progress. I don't know if it is progress in your R or not, but it is progress in the life and psyche of JVJKB!!

DMF

JV ROCKS!! Who's with me on that???????

[ValerieA]

Hey there, D.

I'm with ya on that!!

-------------------------

Well, I thought H had planned on being here around 11am to pick up S9 and S5 again. That's what he told me yesterday, so I called him at about 11:30am to see what was going on.

He was just getting up ! H said he was out late playing cards and was wired when he got back to (mf)'s. He said he didn't fall asleep until almost 4am . Anyway, he apologized and said he would be here no later than 12pm -- H didn't show up until after 12:30pm ..... oh well.

H was affectionate as usual and said he was sorry again for being late. He stopped to get the paper before he got here because he wanted to look for a cheap, used dresser to buy for himself. There was only one in there, but H wasn't interested in it so he was thinking of just getting a new one because he said he had nowhere to put his clothes. Then he said he also needed to get a bed and didn't think there was going to be enough space in the room -- it might feel cramped with a queen bed (that's as small as he'll go) and a dresser. I guess it's a pretty small room, huh? I said, "Well, there's a closet, right?" H said yes so I said, "Then take the hanging organizer with you that's in your closet when you clean it out. It should be enough to hold your socks, underwear, blah blah blah, and take all the extra hangers for your shirts and jeans. If you do that, then you shouldn't need a dresser. Unless you really want one." H quietly said, "Yeah, I can do that." I think it hit him when I said "when you clean it (the closet) out". His mood seemed to drop a bit.

After that, H asked if I could take him to pick up the Jag -- he didn't get a single call about it -- and then bring him back to the house after he parked it in another part of town. I said sure.

So we went and did all that. Then when we got back to the house, H started cleaning out the garage like he told me he would. I thought what he meant by cleaning it out was that he was going to get all his stuff out (his tools and other equipment for work, his "toys", etc), but he just reorganized everything. Oh well. Can't be upset with a tidy garage now, can I ? He did take an extra TV, some side tables, and an old loveseat that was set up in there over to (mf)'s place though, and he asked me to bag up any and all food from the pantry that he could have.

H went to drop off all that stuff at (mf)'s...well...his place then came back to get S9 and S5. The baby was napping so I asked H if he wouldn't mind staying for awhile so I could go grocery shopping. H said go ahead.

I came back, H helped me unload the groceries, then they left to go swimming. The baby and I had some fun, too! We played on the swingset, played peek-a-boo and pat-a-cake, and he played "bang-bang" with the containers while I made dinner.

H brought the boys back just after 8pm, made them a snack, then said he was off to "work" (BTW, he didn't take the rest of his stuff from the closet like he said he was going to). He also told me that it's looking like he might not go to AZ after all but it's not for sure yet.

He came over to me for a hug and kiss, and I didn't budge....(sigh)....I told H that we needed to talk. H said, "Alright. What is it?" I told him I don't think this is working. He said, "Neither do I. Tell me to come home, and I'll do it RIGHT NOW." I said, "No, that's not what I meant." I looked at H, and I noticed him taking a BIG swallow.

Then H said, "I know what you're going to say, so just say it and get it over with." I asked H what was I going to say, and he said, "You're going to tell me this isn't working, and you don't want this anymore, so to just go ahead and file for a D." I told H, "Well, you started off being right, but, H, I don't want a D. I just want space right now, and I want a LOT of it." H said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard."

Then H said, "Tell me what you want, and I'll do whatever it is. If you want me to come home, I will. I'll do it now. What do you want?".......(sigh)

I told H, "I want space, and I think it'll be good for you, too." H asked what I meant by space, and I said, "I think you need to stop coming by all the time and hanging around here and there throughout the day. I also think you need to stop calling all the time. You can call me and let me know when you want the kids. I think for at least right now, our contact with each other should be limited to them."

I could tell that he was getting a bit irritated.

Then I said, "H, I feel like I'm suffocating. You moved out 4 or 5 days ago, but you're still here all the time!" H said, "I'm NOT here ALL THE TIME!" I said, "You are in and out of this house numerous times throughout the day, and you call all the time during the day.....H, are we in agreement here that we are taking a break from each other?" H was thinking for a moment then said, "Well....I thought that's what I wanted....but....yeah, we are." I told him, "Ok...how can that be possible if we are still around each other everyday and all the time?" H was quiet again then said, "Ok, I'm sorry."

Then he stood in front of me and leaned over to put his forehead against mine with his eyes closed. H said he would call me in the morning to let me know when he was going to pick up the boys to go fishing. He said goodbye to the kids then left.

(Sigh).......Did I go too far??? I told H how I felt and what I needed -- space -- but he was NOT too happy about it. Have I gone too far??? Did I push him away too much??? Now I'm afraid that he might be very cold and distant toward me when we do have contact .

I'm afraid I might have screwed up BIG.

Thanks for listening. Good night all.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[dodgermf]

JV,

How can I put this delicately?...Let's see...

NO YOU DIDN'T GO TOO FAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There, how was that?

JV, it's called standing up for your convictions. I like it!!

DMF

[cally]

No JV I don't think you went to far. Way to go!!!!!

I honestly think the more space you have the more he may truely and honestly learn to start appreciating what he does have.

I have a question......Why does it seem like you have to ASK his permission to watch the kid's or the baby expecially? Has it ever been where you just needed to go somewhere or do something and you said honey you NEED to watch the kiddos this saturday for example?


Well, hopefully he will take your words to heart and give you space. You can hear strength coming from your last post. You go girl!!

[kml]

JV -
I 'm just a little worried about all the feedback you are getting here. It is normal for your friends to want your suffering to stop, but it doesn't always result in the most helpful advice.

I have a slightly different view. Your H has already shown you that he didn't really mean all those alien things he said. He's hurting and as motivated right now as he'll likely ever be to change. He's still desperately looking to hear you say you still love him, as he was before you booted him.

I think now is the time to strike, while the iron is hot, by telling him exactly what he needs to do in order to come home to you and the kids.
-he needs to woo you - take you on dates, make time for you, make you feel loved and important to him
- he needs to see a doctor or counselor to discuss his depression, bulimia, and possible gambling addiction


Just pushing him away is not as likely to get the results you want. Tell him the path back to reconciliation. Then you will know if he is motivated or not, by what he does with that information.

Your H is very sick right now, just abandoning him because of your hurt will not get you where you would like to be. Setting clear goals and objectives, and using the dog-training trick of rewarding good behaviors, will help more.

Ellie

[dodgermf]

Your H has already shown you that he didn't really mean all those alien things he said. He's hurting and as motivated right now as he'll likely ever be to change.

Ellie,

I can see exactly your concern here. Please understand that I am not saying that JV should revel in his "misery" or be mean to him, but we don't know that "he really didn't mean all those alien things he said." There's a chance that he's just scrambling and begging and pleading and pursuing, just to get her back. In other words doing all the things we did when our WAS's took off.

I just want JV to be careful. You know it was only a couple of weeks ago that her H was name calling and being very mean, so I think it may be too quick to think he's completely changed.

Just my 32 cents (inflation).

DMF

[ValerieA]

Hi, Ellie.

JV -
I 'm just a little worried about all the feedback you are getting here. It is normal for your friends to want your suffering to stop, but it doesn't always result in the most helpful advice.

I know this, and it has really been weighing on my mind. I understand that everyone (family and friends here) just don't want to see me hurt anymore, and they want me to be stronger. I agree. I don't like feeling this way, and I know it's on me to change it.

But I have also been waiting, hoping, and wanting someone to tell me what you have because I'm afraid that I did go too far. I know that I DO NOT want a D, but I think I pushed it closer to that possibility.

... He's hurting and as motivated right now as he'll likely ever be to change. He's still desperately looking to hear you say you still love him, as he was before you booted him.

You're absolutely right. This is the most I've ever seen H to be really motivated about changing.

I think I'll be able to tell him more that I do love him when I begin to feel much more important to him again.

I think now is the time to strike, while the iron is hot, by telling him exactly what he needs to do in order to come home to you and the kids.
-he needs to woo you - take you on dates, make time for you, make you feel loved and important to him
- he needs to see a doctor or counselor to discuss his depression, bulimia, and possible gambling addiction

My sister J had suggested something similar to this, but maybe the way she put it made me think that I would be forcing him to do things, and that would cause H to retreat.

I like the way you put it !

Well, we know that H won't go to a C. He just will not, but he did say one time that he would be willing to go to a different doctor to talk about his ED (but he didn't). So if he's serious about reconciliation and change, then this is a MUST. If he won't see a C, ok, but he needs to at the very least see a doctor.

Ellie, how far are you from Sacramento?

Just pushing him away is not as likely to get the results you want. Tell him the path back to reconciliation. Then you will know if he is motivated or not, by what he does with that information.

Your H is very sick right now, just abandoning him because of your hurt will not get you where you would like to be. Setting clear goals and objectives, and using the dog-training trick of rewarding good behaviors, will help more.

Yes! Thank you, Ellie!

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Hey, D.

Believe me -- I KNOW that H hasn't completely changed.

I think if I just lay it all out there as far as what H needs to do to win me back so to speak, then I will see just how serious he is about it, and I know it's going to take a LOT of time.

If he does nothing, then that is his choice, and when I'm moving on without him, he will have no one to blame but himself. He won't have any excuse to say that he tried everything when he didn't.

Man, I feel good today !

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

H's grandfather called this morning (I didn't answer in case it was H). He said with a very serious tone, "H, this is Grandpa. Give me a call. Bye.".....hmmm.....I wonder what that was all about (???).

H told me yesterday that he would be here between 10 and 10:30am to take the boys fishing. Well......11:30am rolled around so I called him. It seems as if he had another late night and just could not fall asleep until 8am this morning!!! He said he was sorry and asked if he could come for them at 1pm. H said he wouldn't be late. I was irritated, but I said fine.

He didn't get here until after 1:30pm. He called just before he got here and said he got tied up on the phone with a customer......hmmm......ok. I'm trying to let it go, but that was one of H's infamous excuses during pre-bomb. My guess is he fell back asleep and woke up just after 1pm .

Anyway, when he got here, he said he had stuff to do in the garage before he took the boys with him. (I didn't ask what, and after they left today, I didn't see any difference in anything compared to when he finished reorganizing yesterday.)

Then H came back inside after about 30 minutes and started clearing out his closet. He found a box in the very back and called me into the room. It was full of S9 and S5's old clothes -- all were size 5T. H asked what I wanted him to do with the stuff. I told him, "Well, they are pretty worn through. I don't think I want to keep them for (baby) for another 3 or 4 years. Just get rid of them." The baby crawled into our room at that time. H looked at him then held up a pair of overalls from the box. H had his back to me, but I could still see his face in the closet door mirror, and he was beginning to cry.

I had to walk out of the room to keep myself together.....to keep myself from breaking down and saying, "I'm so sorry, H. I want you to come home. Please come home."

H put some of his stuff into his car and said he would get the rest of it when he brought the kids home tonight. S9 has Tae Kwon Do at 6pm. Then H will get him at 7pm, so they'll probably be back around 7:30pm. Unless H takes them back to his place for awhile.

H also told me that he had a big panic attack late last night. H said, "It took everything I had in me to not come over here last night. I just wanted to come home, get in bed with you, and hold you......I'm sorry, JV. I know I'm very co-dependent on you. I don't know why I have to be like this." I told H if he ever has those moments again that he could always call me. He said thanks.

BTW, no hugs or kisses from H today......I was upset about this a bit today because I know it was my fault. I did go too far. I just felt too overwhelmed, and I felt like H had been continuing to come and go as he pleased......(SIGH)

Well, one VERY WONDERFUL thing did happen today! I got a knock at the door late this morning and received 2 dozen multi-colored roses from my mom and my 3 sisters! They are so BEAUTIFUL!!! Oh, and the roses are, too!

Thanks for listening.

JV

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

[cally]

Just pushing him away is not as likely to get the results you want. Tell him the path back to reconciliation. Then you will know if he is motivated or not, by what he does with that information.

Using the last resort technique requires a big drastic change. It's not like the few of us here who are in support of JV being strong are in favor of divorce. We would just like to see JV be in a much healthier marriage. She has tried a couple times to put things on the line for hubby. She has asked him for a compromise on the gambling of two nights. He didn't even do that for one week! She also asked him to take her places. He won't. It's always gambling. It's always him, him, and then him again.

To place him as sick is just pitying him I think. I honestly feel he is not sick. I do think he has a gambling problem and has just learned to be very manipulative. Bcause is not to sick to stay out till all hours of the night and gamble. Also I feel there is a strong possibility maybe there is a mid life crisis going on right now.

I really don't think you went to far JV. It is evident that he does love you. But he may never realize juist how much if you keep etting him walk on you and punish you. He hased you for his whole life being ruined. Married and children and bills according to him is all your fault. I think with the last resort technique you have to show him okay well if this is what you never wanted then now it is gone. Then let him see how that feels for awhile.

Another big indicator of things is how your family reacted. They are close up and actually see him and how he acts. They can also see you face to face and see the toll this is taking on you just by looking at your face.

I do honestly hope this will be the answer and your husband will change. You do deserve to be treated better.

But deep down JV are you just comfortable with this marriage and lifestyle? Because I noticed that you couldn't say you honestly loved your husband in the beginning.That just seems to speak volumes.